The Olympics are over. What a party! But now, I must warn you of a serious illness that many of us may succumb to at the conclusion of the 21st Winter Games. This malady was first discovered by doctors at the Ralph Klein University, shortly after the ‘88 Calgary Olympics. It’s called POVBD, or Post Olympic Vacant Brain Syndrome. Here’s what happens; for two solid weeks, for all of our waking and sleeping hours, our brains have been consumed with nothing but Olympic thoughts, such as; why do Ice Dancers wear costumes that Elton John would reject? Why does Brian Williams keep telling me the time? Where does Lloyd Robertson get his dentures and why don’t they fit? And then suddenly, it all stops. The brain is without stimulation, resulting in Post Olympic Vacant Brain Syndrome. Symptoms are a lot of blank staring, people wandering aimlessly searching for lines to stand in, and in severe cases, screaming GO CANADA in the most inappropriate places, like public toilets and U.S. customs lines. POVBS hits the news media the hardest, so if you see TV reporters standing on street corners in a catatonic state, just carefully approach them, and let them ask you what you think about the weather, or the government, or the HST, or traffic, or ferry line-ups, and that usually snaps them out of it. You can avoid this tragic disease by finding other thoughts to fill the void, thereby warding off the ‘vacant’ factor, and so I am happy to supply you with some things to think about:
-Windmills always turn counter clockwise, except in Ireland. Windmill experts chalk that up to excessive Guinness consumption.
Speaking of Guinness, they just gave the world’s biggest dog record to a Great Dane in the States. He’s 3ft 7ins tall, and 250 pounds. And then they almost gave the World’s Smallest Human record to a man who is 22 inches tall, until they realized that someone had just put shorts and a cap on one of the Great Dane’s giant downloads.
-When you are born, you have 300 bones, but by the time you’re an adult, you only have 206 left, so obviously, the government is stealing our bones and selling them to Jell-o.
- The oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9000 years old, and was found stuck under a 9,000 year old high school desk.
-The starfish is one of the few animals who can turn its stomach inside out. The other one is a university student at a kegger.
-The Nobel Peace Prize medal depicts 3 naked men with their hands on each others shoulders. And I think we all know that when herds of naked men hang around together touching shoulders, the first thing that breaks out is peace.
I believe your brain is now full. My work here is done.