TROUBLE IN DUCHESSLAND

It’s not easy being a ‘royal’.  First, you have to learn how to do that wave. You know the one, where you can’t flap too much or too little, so you must land somewhere in between ‘I’ve slipped into a coma’ and ‘I’m being attacked by killer BEES!’  It’s tricky.  Then you also have to master the art of walking slowly and steadily with excellent posture so that the large gem encrusted crown doesn’t wobble off your head.  This is a crucial skill.  In 1374 King Ethelfred the Unsteady was walking through the lower bailey of his castle one day, when he wobbled dramatically to one side and his crown fell off his head and crushed 146 serfs and 3 cows.  Here’s another thing you have to do if you’re royalty; pick one hair style that you will have ‘til death do you part.  Princess Anne took inspiration for her hair-do from the Mars Attacks aliens, while the Queen settled on a variation of Princess Leah’s bagel/ear muffs coif that suggests some kind of handles, I suppose for Phillip in case he tips over and needs to grab on to something.  And then there’s the feigned interest.  Every day these poor immensely wealthy people have to walk into a room filled with the huddled masses and attempt to convince them they are desperate to know the answer to “How far did you travel today?” or “How do you grow a leak this big?”  So you can see how difficult this job is.  But I think the toughest part of being royalty is learning how to look good on hidden cameras.  That was made pretty obvious by the latest video scandal to hit Sarah Ferguson.  I thought the Duchess of York looked a little drab in that latest footage that’s rocked the royal family.  If you’re going to sell open door access to your ex-husband for 500,000 pounds sterling, then, you know, let’s stick the curling iron through the hair.  And would a little bit of blush and lipstick kill ya? Perhaps a brighter outfit?  There are so many lovely patterns out for summer.  I mean if you’re open to this kind of slimy deal, then be proud, look professional. Let’s face it, if you look really hot in that crappy hidden video, folks won’t even notice that you were pimping your former Duke for $750,000 Cdn.  All they’ll say is “My goodness, that Weight Watchers has done wonders for Sarah and where can I get those SHOES?”  Oh, and FYI, for three quarters of a million Canadian, I won’t just sell open door access to my husband…I will SELL my husband, and the doors plus I’ll throw in the cats and a whole bunch of toy mice for FREE!

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