Al Gore’s Massage Therapy

I see Al Gore has managed to get himself into a bit of a red hot sex scandal.  Apparently, a couple of years ago, a masseuse he had booked to come to his hotel room for some ‘registered massage therapy’ was shocked and terrified as she was working on his stomach muscles, because he started groaning and instructed her to ‘move a little lower…lower…left…yes, YES!…cigarette?’  Okay, I’m making that last bit up.  I think the worst part of her statement to police, which, inexplicably, has been kept under wraps for two years, was her claim that he shoved his tongue down her throat.  First of all, call me crazy, but it seems like the wrong thing is getting massaged there, and secondly, if you saw that kiss that he slapped on Tipper years ago when he was running for President, then I think you might conclude this woman had a genuine complaint.  Al was forced to plant a big wet one on Tipper in front of thousands at his nomination rally to prove that he wasn’t a cold, wooden fish, but instead of it being a sexy romantic smooch, it looked more like he was sucking the marrow out of a beef bone.  Well, I guess their separation makes sense now.  Here’s a quote from Tipper’s statement, “Al and I have just grown apart.  He likes having massages every other day, and I don’t.  I would say, where are you going, and he’d say ‘I’m going for a massage, I’ve got a stiff neck.’ And I’d say, you just had a massage yesterday. And he’d say ‘Well, my neck is REALLY stiff.”  I guess we all know now it wasn’t his ‘neck’ that was stiff all that time.  Well, I talked to Al to get the story straight, and he said “I see the confusion now. When I said ‘Please reduce global warming’ what I meant was ‘Please massage my lower groin area.’”  But for some reason, this story reminded me of the no-frills Chinese massage therapists I used to go to.  This was not about relaxation.  One of the therapists asked me whether I liked soft, medium or hard pressure.  I chose medium.  What I didn’t realize was her ‘hard’ was equivalent to an automobile crushing machine.  She pressed with such ferocity that if you saw my face from under the face holder, it resembled Munch’s The Scream.  Another part of the massage therapy was poking your butt muscles, and there’s one particular spot, if they use enough force, which they always did, I’m telling you, your back passage slams shut for a week!!  Or perhaps I’ve said too much.  Anyway, Al Gore would stay out of trouble if he used these massage therapists.  There’s no way he’d ask them to massage his groin…he’d never walk again!

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