Summer is finally upon us, so it seems like a good time to answer a tiny fraction of the thousands of letters I get, asking for advice on how to have a good summer: 

Dear Linda,

I have a 2008, 95 foot, 78 cylinder quad slider Fume Spewer Platinum motor home. Comes complete with 2 car garage with his and hers Hummers, 8 person hot tub, satellite TV, full sized wine fridge, infrared sauna and it’s own coal fired power plant. The wife and I love to hop in and roar off to the wilderness to soak up the unspoiled beauty of nature.  Do you know any unspoiled places we can go visit?  Signed Raring to Go in Richmond

Dear Raring,

Let me figure out where I’m going this year, and then you can go in the complete opposite direction, ‘cause I’m sick and tired of getting stuck behind your kind and your high rises on wheels!!  So I’ll get back to you on that.

Dear Double Take Lady,

I love to read your column on the bus because it helps me get to sleep so fast.  Anyway, I love to have picnics, but it seems as soon as you leave the immediate Vancouver area, you have to deal with mosquitoes.  Is there any solution? Signed Hoping I stay awake long enough to read your answer.

Dear Hoping,

Never leave the immediate Vancouver area.  But if you insist, then the only way to battle mosquitoes is to make sure you have a skeeter decoy at your picnic.  Skeeter Decoys are people who give off that smell that mosquitoes love, and therefore are intensely attracted to.  My Mother is one of those people.  And I am happy to rent her out for a reasonable fee.  Just don’t be alarmed by all the slapping and screaming.

Dear L.C.,

I read your column all the time.  You went to the same high school as me, and you sure weren’t this funny back then!  HA HA!!  So, I’ll be going camping this summer, and I need to know what to do if I come in contact with a bear?  Do I make myself bigger?  Smaller?  I can never remember.

Manfred Lincoln, Class of ‘76

Dear Manfred,

Thanks so much for the compliment.  If you encounter a bear, first make direct eye contact, that shows respect.  Definitely make yourself smaller and pull out the hunk of steak that you should always carry in your pocket, and wave it around so the bear can see it.  Now, if you suddenly encounter a tax auditor in the campground, that’s when you should make yourself really big and threatening.  And you should wave your arms around wildly and scream “Legitimate business expense!!!” over and over. That always makes them back away. 

Enjoy your summer folks!

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