We didn’t make it on to the U.N. Security Council. This has been consuming my thoughts for days now. How is it possible that Canada was snubbed by just about the ENTIRE WORLD? Jiminy Cricket, Canada is one of the most secure places in the universe. We have armed forces that are always doing more than their fair share on the global stage. We have the Mounties, who always get their man and look great in red. How secure is it to be Canadian? For years Americans used to put Canadian flag stickers on their luggage, so miserable French waiters wouldn’t spit in their vichyssoise. And yet, most of the U.N. voted for Portugal! You’re familiar with Portugal. That Mediterranean super power known for, let’s see, Port and killer jellyfish! Oh, and they’re bankrupt. Portugal’s armed forces are comprised of one old guy named Arsenio and his 3 legged burro. Many experts blamed our embarrassing defeat on Canada’s position on Israel and our lack of any real action on global warming, but that’s not what cooked our goose. We lost because Stephen Harper is cheap. How cheap? Well, in an effort to sway the votes our way, he had bottles of maple syrup placed on the desks of each country’s representative. Not a CASE of maple syrup, mind you. A bottle. And it probably wasn’t one of those large jugs ‘o genuine maple syrup. I’ll bet they were those little tourist bottles shaped like a maple leaf, just in case the recipient couldn’t figure out where the heck a bottle of maple syrup magically appeared from. A miniature maple leaf bottle doesn’t even cover one lousy pancake! I can just imagine the folks sitting down at their desks, spying the sugary treat and saying, ‘Wow! (Or Zut Alors! Or Vas ees DAS?! Or ¡Aiee Chihuahua!) A tiny bottle of maple syrup from Canada! I’ve always wanted maple syrup. Oh, you crazy generous Canucks, you had my vote at hello!” There are so many other things the prime minister could have placed on those desks; how about a Canadian diamond for everyone, including each of those Arab sheik’s wives, or he could have put a Candu reactor on each desk, WITH the instruction manual included. He could have put an RCMP Musical Ride horse on each desk. The Queen got one once, and she seemed quite impressed. Or if he had really wanted to tip the scales in our favour, he would have given them all the most coveted of Canadian swag; Justin Bieber’s hair! You know, whenever I gave my Dad something, a bar of soap, for example, he’d say “If it’s a gift it’s too much, and if it’s a bribe it’s not enough!” Well Stephen, whatever you call it, it wasn’t enough.
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