SMELLING GREAT COULD KILL YOU

You may not be aware of this, but as a professionally licensed blogger, I have many responsibilities to the blog reading public.  For example, all licensed bloggers have taken hundreds of hours of training in a course called ‘Rambling Verbosity on Mundanities’.  This is where we learn to expound in a full and complete way on various topics that have a crucial affect on readers’ daily lives.  Topics such as, “I had oatmeal for breakfast” or “My nostrils feel funny” or “Hmmm.”  This, of course, provides the reader with endless hours of entertainment, and, if I may say, a vast quantity of information that improves their minute-to-minute existence in no small way.

Professionally licensed bloggers, or PLBs, also must learn CPR…Crap Posting Routine.  This means that if someone has a heart attack or is hit by a bus and is incapable of posting crap on Facebook or Twitter, the PLB can spring into action and start pumping the much-needed crap out again instantly.   PLBs are also highly trained in spotting anything that could be a danger to the public.  Say you’re in the front row at a Lady Gaga concert, and she’s wearing a giant egg and 12 inch platforms, if she trips and falls, you could be killed, or at the very least, become part of a really freaked out omelet and who wants that?

So, it’s with my public safety hat on that I inform you of something that I believe could become a tragic epidemic; exploding body lotion.  So, I was out shopping the other day at Winners, or as I like to call it, ‘in-depth market research’, and I was sniffing many things (Hello, my name is Linda and I’m a sniffaholic.) when I picked up some body lotion by Sarah Jessica Parker.  Now, I like SJP.  She seems to be a decent person and I can’t think of anything I’d like better than to contribute some more buckaroos to her children’s college fund.  I was examining Sarah Jessica’s box of Twilight body lotion, sadly I couldn’t sniff it because it was all wrapped up in it’s original packaging, but I figured maybe I would get an idea of the scent of Twilight by gazing at the colours on the box.  As I was doing this, I noticed a little sticker on the package that said, “Caution-Flammable”.  Flammable?  Body lotion?  Flammable in the traditional incendiary ‘Get BACK!  That thing is gonna BLOW!!’ definition of flammable??   A box of butane, yes, or a 12-year-old boys farts, but body lotion??

And what kind of scenario would instigate a total body lotion flame out? You’re on a big date; you’ve slathered Twilight all over your body so that you smell sexy wherever someone might stick their nose.  You start making out, you’re getting hot, I mean REALLY HOT…he starts unbuttoning your blouse, yes, yes, yes…KABOOM!!  You erupt into a 4-alarm blaze that levels your building and scorches all the body hair off your date.  No he won’t be sexting you.  Or it’s July and you’re walking down the street, feeling good, smelling great, turn the corner, bright sunshine hits your face, ahhh, summer…KAPLOWIE!!! Your sweet smelling Twilight body parts are splattered over a 3-block radius.

And who knows what this could lead to?  We might wake up one day soon to find that the U.S. has started a war with some crazed Middle Eastern dictatorship, because they have stockpiles of skin softener. Hmmm.  Maybe the Navy Seals didn’t have to rely on secret intelligence to find Bin Laden’s hiding place.  Maybe they just followed the enticing fragrance of New York at dusk.

In my next blog, I’ll be warning you about the newly discovered danger of spending too much time texting, tweeting and facebooking.  Apparently it leads to a serious strain called carpe diem syndrome, where you no longer have the strength to seize the day.

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