It sure looks like a lot of Canadians have been reading my book, “Mayan Horror-How to Survive the End of the World in 2012″.
Yes, the world will end on December 21st, but if you buy the book, available in most bookstores and online at the usual outlets, you will find tips on how to save yourself and your family once Armageddon strikes. As well, you’ll get the complete history of how the cagey Mayans created this killer calendar. The bonus, for Canadians is a list of the top ten best places to ride out the Apocalypse. Here’s a quote from the book giving you the number one safest place in Canada to hunker down and wait out the End of Days…
“#1 – The Diefenbunker. It’s the perennial winner in the category of “Best Place to Survive the End of the World” in Ottawa’s prestigious “Visitors’ and Illegal Refugees Guide to Ottawa Magazine”. The Diefenbunker, or, more correctly, the Diefenbunker Cold War Museum is easy to find. Let’s say you were heading west out of Ottawa on Highway 417 to go to an Ottawa Senators hockey game at the Corel Centre and you had this sudden thought, “Do I really want to watch the Senators play tonight?” which happens a lot these days. Well, if you keep going a few hundred metres past the Corel Centre and turn right at Exit 144, you’ll soon be in the aptly-named town of Carp and that’s where you’ll find the Diefenbunker. It’s 100,000 square feet of blast-proof protection on four floors, all underground. It was originally built during the Cold War as the place where the Canadian Prime Minister, John Diefenbaker, could hide out while Russian missiles rained down nuclear holocaust, killing every other Canadian except him, his little dog, the woman who massaged his jowls and his three Dieffenbachia plants which were named Lester, Bowles and Pearson. When the nuclear nightmare was over, John Diefenbaker would have been the only man left in Canada, meaning that to re-populate the country, women would have needed to have sex with John Diefenbaker…so maybe Canada wouldn’t get re-populated after all. Anyway, the Diefenbunker would have totally protected Mr. Diefenbaker from any jowl-rattling blast. These days, deep down in the bowels of the bunker, under picturesque Carp, you can take a tour where you’ll see the Prime Minister’s suite including the Diefenbunkbed where Diefenbaker would have Diefendropped off to sleep after a hard day of Diefenbroadcasting his message of hope to dead Canadians everywhere. There’s a gift shop filled with MemoraDiefenbelia, the War Cabinet room plus the CBC Radio studio where a lonely CBC announcer would turn on his microphone once an hour and say, “At the beginning of the long dash, marking ten seconds of silence it will be one o’clock Eastern Standard Time”. They had to include the national time signal in the Diefenbunker because this was the most popular radio broadcast in all of Canada during the 1960s. Canadians would drop what they were doing at the top of every hour and rush to the nearest radio to hear that reassuring time announcement. In the evening, families would gather round their radios to listen to the dulcet tones of the CBC announcer broadcasting the exact time, and that was one of the quirky things about Canadians back then. No approximate time would do. It had to be the exact time, “Geez, Bill, the village has been flattened by the A-bomb, you wouldn’t happen to have the exact time, eh?”
When the Mayan Calendar ticks down its final seconds on December 21st, this is the book to grip tightly in your hands.
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