Somebody’s in a Mach…mach…Mood

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad flung the door of his office open so violently and slammed it shut with such a bang that the walls shook and several of his staff literally fell of their chairs with fear, fear being a daily feature of their employment at the president’s office overlooking the noisy Tehran traffic in Baharestan Square. His chief of staff quickly ran in to greet the president but had to quickly duck as the angry Iranian leader flung his overnight case at a wall.

“Sir”, whimpered his chief of staff, “your…your trip to New York did not…er…go well?”

“Didn’t go well?” screamed the president, “it was a disaster! Do you know, I made my best United Nations speech ever in front of the evil and hegemonic powers of the west and do you know what happened? Do you?”

“Well,” stuttered his chief of staff, “still not that standing ovation you’ve been hoping for?”

“People walked out in the middle of my speech and I know who it was, it was the Canadians.”

“How can you be sure”, his chief of staff mumbled, “the light is very dim in the General Assembly.”

“Oh, I knew it was the Canadians alright,” he seethed, “I couldn’t really see who was walking out but I did hear them squeezing by people saying ‘Sorry… ‘scuse me…sorry’. Oh, yes, it was those embassy-closing fools from Canada. Can you believe their discourtesy, just as I was getting to the part about eliminating Israel?

“Well sir”, said his nervous chief of staff, “there’s more bad news from Canada. They have just issued a ‘red’ advisory, warning Canadians to avoid all travel to Iran because it’s such a dangerous place. How…how should I respond sir?”

“There is only one way to answer such an attack,” shouted the Iranian President, “Iran will issue its own ‘red’ advisory against travelling to Canada because it is an even more dangerous place than Iran!”

“Canada?” replied his confused chief of staff, “I’m not sure what to warn Iranians about.”

“Shut up, you fool,” ordered Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, “write down what I tell you and issue the travel advisory. Canada is a much more dangerous place than Iran. For example, I have been told that thousands of Canadians get stoned every night.”
“By the police?” questioned his chief of staff.

No. I have heard they get stoned by someone called “BC Bud” and another called “Alexander Keith.” Write that down. What else? Oh, yes, Canada is a dangerous place because of the torture that their beloved hockey players are subjected to. Do you know how they punish these great Canadian athletes? They lock them out! Absolutely barbarous treatment.”

“I have heard about this Canadian sport, sir”, said the chief of staff, “but Iran locks people out, or up, don’t we?”

“Maybe we do”, said the agitated president, “but you tell people, in our travel advisory, that, in Canada, it gets even more dangerous. I have been told that when the great hockey teams play their final games for the Cup, if they haven’t won the game by the third period, do you know what the punishment is? Sudden death!

“Oh my!” squealed the chief of staff, “You are right sir. Canada is a dangerous place. I will include that in our travel advisory.”

“And one more thing”, said Ahmadinejad, “Tell the Iranian people to stay away from Canada because their prime ministers murder each other. Yes, yes, don’t look so shocked.”

“That’s hard to believe”, said his incredulous chief of staff, “give me an example.”

“I have been told”, said the president, “that Canada had a prime minister named Joe Clark and he was stabbed in the back by Brian Mulroney.”

The chief of staff was so stunned he stood still for a moment. “If that’s how they treat their leaders then Canada, indeed, is a very dangerous country sir. I will send out a ‘red’ advisory right away” and he backed out of the office just as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was phoning his minister of Nuclear Scheming.

“How did the missile test work this morning?” he barked into his phone.

“Still a little off”, said the minister, “we hit a falafel stand on Valiasr Avenue.”

“Well”, said the president, “Keep trying.”

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