THE TORONTO CHRONICLES!

OR…Can One Middle Aged Girl Leave One Large City For Another Even Larger City And Finally Grab Hold Once Again To That Brass Ring…Or At The Very Least, Stop Writing Such Long Sub-Titles?

December 18, 2012

Now let me just cover a few things before I get to Toronto.  First of all, I am writing this on my birthday.  Thank you for your good wishes…those were good wishes, correct?  I have, despite using roughly 42 creams that clearly state on the TV commercials that they ‘turn back time’…turned 54.  So, as most of us do when we click over another hard driven kilometre on our internal odometer, I feel turning 54 is as good a time as any to put myself up on the hoist and see how the old chasse is doing.  It seems the undercarriage is mostly hanging in there, but earlier this year I did have to visit the doctor for what he called a vitreous detachment.  At first I thought he said ‘virtuous’ detachment, so I very quickly told him that happened a long time ago in the back of a Pinto after a Bay City Rollers concert.  Ok, my standards weren’t very high then.  As it turns out, according to the man with the certificates on his wall, it’s all about eyeball parts detaching themselves from the mother ship, which I believe is me.  Quite common after the age of FIFTY!  Thanks for underscoring that little fact, Doc!  So, looking at this from the most positive point of view, which, as you can imagine is very hard because of the ‘detaching’, I figure in a few years, my eyeballs are just going to shrivel up and fall out of their sockets, and I’ll just have to walk around with them in little bags, and take them out when I want to look at something.  Here’s a shot of me on the plane, realizing that soon I’ll be another year older AND I’ll have shrivelling eyeballs!

Now on to Toronto!  Bob and I are here on what we call a ‘bush beating foray’.  That kind of sounds like something from 50 Shades of Gray, but I’m talking ‘beating the bushes’ for work.  I’ll keep you updated on how that goes.  At the moment, everything is heading into Christmas stasis, so there won’t be much to report for a few weeks as all those who can make decisions about shows etc. will be either drunk  or incapacitated from chronic uncontrollable post turkey farting.  In the meantime, we’ve been out and about in the exciting city of Toronto, and I thought I’d fill you in on a few bits of news here.  First, and I think most important; Toronto has been invaded by GIANT glowing horned alien creatures.  Well, everything here is sort of bigger, which began a few years ago when Toronto decided to ‘super-size’ their mayor.  So in turn, everything else needed to be giant like the maybe former-but-not-quite-former-yet-mayor Rob Ford.  Anyway, these glowing aliens have taken over the Eaton Centre and I sense it won’t take much to set one of these things off and they just start eating folks alive…very much like the former-but-not-quite-yet-former-mayor Ford.  Here’s proof they exist…

….look out people!!  You’re about to be consumed by radioactive Martian ruminants!

Over the years Vancouver has been accused of being a ‘no fun city’ and I now think that might be true.  I’ve been riding the train a lot lately back home, and I can tell you that people are all pretty withdrawn, staring at their devices, nobody saying hello, no eye contact.  Absolutely no one appearing to enjoy  their playlists.  Not so in Toronto.  And I say if Vancouver ever thinks it’s going to become a world class centre, it’s gotta start unleashing it’s groove… may I present Exhibit ‘A’…Dancing subway man

Yo YO!  That’s how a city becomes the centre of the universe mofo.

More to come.

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