DEAR LINDA…From Nelson the Cat

Well, it’s been a long time since I have written to you. I have a good reason, which is that, unlike you, I have been incredibly busy with other things.  For example, licking. I have to put at least 8 hours of licking in a day to maintain the undeniable handsomeness you see here…

…and, let me also add, you can’t possibly know or comprehend the limitless enjoyment one experiences when licking the back passage.  Sometimes I’ll lose a whole afternoon just adequately dealing with that one glorious spot.  I have also been quite occupied with staring…sleeping…more licking…sleeping…some staring…additional staring…sleeping…oh yes, eating…sleeping…sleeping…woops, almost forgot, barfing and pooping outside the box…and sleeping.  So, as you can see, Linda, I have been hard pressed to find time to write you a note.  And may I also point out, that a giant and greatly begrudged portion of my day is spent dealing with ‘THE BONEHEAD.’  I can’t understand how eleven years have passed and you still refuse to get rid of that NOBHEAD.  I don’t know how you can even stand looking at his face!!

My life has deteriorated in a stunning fashion since the TWAT arrived.  He is loud.  He interrupts me all the time.  His jokes are terrible. He has no idea what’s happening in current affairs.  And he has abominable bathroom manners, and by that I mean he continues to use the same litter box as ME, which is…really… unacceptable.  I have tried to make it clear to you that this guy has got to go using the only sign recognized by the CCCA, the Canadian Cat Complaints Association, which is; to mount and then dry hump him.  Your response, inexplicably, is to NOT get rid of DICKHEAD, but to give ME a tongue-lashing!  What kind of democracy is this?  Well, I will tell you, Linda, I finally had had enough.  So, I felt the best way to exact some revenge, was to pull a prank on you.  Now, despite the fact that you think I’m such a serious so and so, I have a fairly sophisticated sense of humour.  Why you can’t grasp the deeper humourous metaphore that is inherent in a hairball, I have to say, doesn’t speak well of your comedy chops, but there you go.  Of course, when pulling a complex prank on someone, timing is key.  I had to wait until all the elements were in place, and one happened in mid-December when you stopped at a bank machine to get cash to get your highlights done.  I heard you telling Bob how you believed that North Korea had been stealing money from your bank account, because they want to destroy ALL people in comedy from Vancouver, how else could that horrible balance be explained.  And then you were completely pre-occupied by PINHEAD and his gastro-intestinal-quite-obvious-cry-for-attention…that’s when I knew this was my moment.  So, I stopped eating.  Which, you have to admit, is pretty hilarious in and of itself.  But I thought, let’s crank it up a notch, so I got myself into some full blown really serious inflammatory bowel disease!  Ha Ha Ha…oh my god, laugh, I could hardly start the car!!  You, as usual, seem incapable of understanding humour!  How you’ve made a living at this, I’ll never know.  And I timed it to all reach a gut-busting head right before your birthday, which was a week away from Christmas.  Come ON!!  This is funny stuff!  You were walking around the house with a face that looked like someone had stolen your favourite steel-belted-tummy-taming-body-slimmer.  And I heard you say Jesus Christ a LOT…although it was the season.  Jimminy, I have to say it was all pretty entertaining, and I laughed like a son-of-a-gun right up until they shoved that thermometer up my butt.  No matter how you try, you can never truly prepare yourself for that indignity.  And then it was blood tests, and ultra-sound and biopsy and days in the hospital.  What a riot!!  And now I’m back home and you keep calling me the 6 Million Dollar Cat!

That look on my face is slight embarrassment, because my nipples were showing.

Linda said I looked like I'd fought in the U.S. Civil War. A lame attempt at best, at a joke.

Yeh, I think you’re exaggerating just a tad, although I take your very loudly made point that thanks to the North Koreans and now ME, there will be no trip south to escape the winter blahs this year.  I must say though, that as amusing as all this was and as thrilled as I am to know that you are not going away to sun and sand and will be here for me to sleep on top of indefinitely, the joke appears to be on me,…because the BONEHEAD is still in this house!  Oh well, there’s hope yet.  Wait ‘til you hear about your mom’s practical joke. See, DICKHEAD keeps eating her jigsaw pieces, so she get’s herself a lung infection and congestive heart failure right before Christmas.  Now that’s what I call pure comic genius!

Moments from now I'll be dry-humping you.

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