August 29, 2015

CULLEN ROBERTSON, NELSON

December 2, 1999 – August 26, 2015

Born in a homeless shelter to a single mother of no fixed address, Nelson Cullen Robertson had an inauspicious start to life. He was taken in by a foster family until he could walk, eat on his own and, of course, use a toilet properly, and was then put up for adoption. On January 13, 2000 Bob Robertson and Linda Cullen were looking for a baby, and he appeared to be perfect, even if he was the only baby available. Like many babies, Nelson was rambunctious. He spent countless hours racing around in circles, and then jumping into Linda’s arms and collapsing into deep sleeps. Linda remembers with fondness and not an insubstantial amount of pain, the time he jumped up and latched himself with his Ginsu nails to her backside while she was doing the dishes, and the time he jumped up and bit her in the chin when she looked into his eyes just a little too long, and the time he bit her thumb when she was combing his hair. He felt certain that he was being penalized for these infractions when they had his reproductive parts removed, however after many discussions seemed somewhat convinced that his sterilization was out of love and not punishment. He loved a lot of things; sitting with his Dad reading the paper; long pieces of string attached to his Mom who made them go; Mitzie, who came to live with him for a few years; cheese; pooping outside the box; but most especially lying on top of whoever had plunked themselves on the couch for a nap, or being draped over the LEFT shoulder. He hated being scratched anywhere other than his head, the vacuum cleaner, the sound of a newspaper being snapped open, the sound of a plastic bag being snapped open, just about anything being snapped open, and his adopted brother Winston, who he regarded as a lesser intellect and referred to him mostly as ‘The Bonehead’. He survived numerous battles; a sliced tendon; blocked penis, which he did NOT like talking about; plus several mystery infections and trips to emergency. He grew up to be an intelligent, serious sort, but despite his cleverness just couldn’t seem to get a job, due to a serious and ever increasing lazy streak. He was trained as a sock delivery specialist, and was paid in treats upon the dropping of the sock, but thanks to technology, there just isn’t much call for sock delivery guys any more. And in all his years he never did anything that was YouTube worthy, to the great disappointment of his Mother. He ruined furniture, wrecked travel plans, prevented the purchase of fresh flowers and drained the bank account. And because of all of that and so much more, is missed desperately by his Mom and Dad, who were with him right to the end. Nelson leaves behind his Mom, Linda Cullen, Dad, Bob Robertson, Gramma Ruth Cullen and ‘The Bonehead’. Nelson’s family would like to thank his personal physician Dr. Karen Zutrauen and her staff at CatCare Clinic in Richmond, BC for helping his Mom and Dad not lose their s!#t completely. No service by request. In lieu of flowers, because Winston also eats them, Nelson’s last wish was for everyone to make a donation to their favourite pet charity so that ‘nobody gets left sad and alone’. And as he also told Linda, ‘Why shouldn’t other people’s houses be as destroyed as yours?’ A celebration of life will be held by the litter boxes, where Winston will deliver a 21 Furball Salute.

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Past Articles

CULLEN ROBERTSON, NELSON
December 2, 1999 – August 26, 2015
Born in a homeless shelter to a single mother of no fixed address, Nelson Cullen Robertson had an inauspicious start to life. He was taken in by a foster family until he could walk, eat on his own and, of course, use a [...]

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DEAR LINDA…From Nelson the Cat

Well, it’s been a long time since I have written to you. I have a good reason, which is that, unlike you, I have been incredibly busy with other things.  For example, licking. I have to put at least 8 hours of licking in a day to maintain the undeniable handsomeness you see here…

…and, let [...]

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What? God has Died?

To that end, God’s estate has engaged a well-known law firm to defend the will. The law firm has an earthly practice as there were no lawyers in Heaven.

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Ex CBC Radio Stars plan New Comedy Series

Russian President Vladimir Putin says his decision on whether to run for a fourth term in 2018 will depend on the situation in the country and his “own mood.” Now, you must understand that in Russia, the definition of the word ‘run’ means, “If you disagree with me becoming president again…you’d better run.”

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Ex CBC Stars Plan New Comedy Series

“Pope Francis, speaking to the European parliament, has warned that the world sees Europe as “somewhat elderly and haggard”. This warning from a 77-year old man in a long gown”

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Ex CBC Radio Stars Plan New Comedy Series

The race is on to try and find an FDA approved patent for a women’s Viagra pill. This is all old hat now for men. A man I know says years ago he used to take blue pills for his back. Now he takes them for his front.

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Ex CBC Radio stars Plan New Comedy Series

“The Centers for Disease Control has instructed U.S. airlines that, if a passenger with Ebola-like symptoms vomits and passes out on a flight, they must not attempt to revive them. Asked if the crew of an Air Canada plane would refuse to resuscitate an unconscious Ebola victim, an Air Canada spokesman replied, “Only in Tango Class, although for an extra $5 you can get complete CPR.”

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Breaking Weekly Fundraising Campaign

“So Russia has now signed a nuclear supply agreement with Iran. And the rest of the world sits back and lets it happen. Do they not realize that Russia supplying Iran with nuclear materials is like letting Bill Cosby judge the Miss Universe tournament? Waaayy too much spent fuel!”

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Breaking Weekly Fundraising Campaign

CULLEN ROBERTSON PRODUCTIONS WANTS YOUR HELP
We want to create a comedy news parody series that mixes satire with animation called, Breaking Weekly

You can read all about it when you click on the link at the bottom. Before creating the series, we need to raise money to produce a short pilot/demo to show potential broadcasters exactly [...]

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Double Exposure rocks the Big Tent in Charlottetown, August 5th, 2014

Double Exposure (Bob Robertson and Linda Cullen) performed their special comedy show “The History of Canada And Other Hilarious Stuff” in the Celebration Zone on the waterfront in Charlottetown. The show was part of the 150th anniversary celebrations for the Charlottetown Conference which led, three years later to Canada’s Confederation.

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LINDA’S LIFE LESSONS

Christmas is a pretty nice time of year to have a baby, but a crappy time to have a birthday party. My Mother loved how everything was decorated so festively at the hospital for my arrival, but afterward, who can focus on somebody’s birthday when a turkey has to be stuffed! I think even Jesus had trouble with this.

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AN OPEN LETTER TO MRS. FORD

So as I watched you, standing off his right shoulder, I realized what the main problem is: You chose a DINK for a mate. Now, don’t feel too bad. There are plenty of people out there who have made the same mistake. Take me, for example. There was a time when I chose very VERY poorly. I’ve made up for it since then, but I don’t want to brag too much about my fella now, because I think it’ll probably make you rip your eyelashes out one by one.

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Double Exposure’s Hilarious Show in Maple Ridge

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Double Exposure in Maple Ridge

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The History of Canada Comes to the Clarke Theatre in Mission

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Double Exposure Heads to Haida Gwaii

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Get Your Tickets Now! Laugh ‘Til You Blow Your Anvil

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The Two Biggest News Stories in New Westminster

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Double Exposure pokes fun at New Westminster

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THE TORONTO CHRONICLES- January 9, 2013

Well, my apologies.  When we first got to Toronto, I had grand plans of writing the Chronicles every few days, because I was sure that’s how frequently really interesting things would happen in this giant city.  But then Christmas Day rolled around, and Santa, being the practical joker that he is, left matching doses of [...]

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The World Ends Tomorrow

—– Original Message —–
From: “John Edmond”
To: “Bob Robertson”
Sent: Wednesday, December 19, 2012 5:58:52 PM
Subject: Forwarding message from space
Hi Bob,
You may recall that we met when you did your reading in November ‘11 at Collected Works Bookstore in Ottawa (which, sadly, is closing Christmas Eve).
I got this message earlier today from my old friend Chris Hadfield, [...]

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THE TORONTO CHRONICLES!

OR…Can One Middle Aged Girl Leave One Large City For Another Even Larger City And Finally Grab Hold Once Again To That Brass Ring…Or At The Very Least, Stop Writing Such Long Sub-Titles?
December 18, 2012
Now let me just cover a few things before I get to Toronto.  First of all, I am writing this on [...]

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Only 9 Days ’til the World Ends

“Officials in the Netherworld went ballistic, according to an official of the Afterlife, speaking on condition of anonymity. It’s completely understandable that they would have blown their tops over this because, while it was easy for the Pope to just say, “Okay, people, there’s no Hell anymore”, it was everybody in the Sweet Hereafter who had to carry out the orders.”

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Only 12 Days ’til the World Ends

“You’re off the hook if you have a toddler. There is no way a human with a vocabulary of “Da-da”, “poo-poo”, “pee-pee”, and “good girl” can comprehend the concept of tectonic lithosphere plates being massively overlain by either or both of two types of crustal material.”

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Only 15 Days ’til the World Ends

“This just reinforces the point that this will not be the Christian God’s Armageddon because in order to make it a godly event, all 1300 of the Mayan gods would have to have gathered together and tried to get an agreement to wipe out the earth. Impossible. I know for example that Shitzaputzl, the god of profanity would never go along with it.”

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Only 16 Days ’til the World Ends

“Yes, I know Hitler tried to create a super race of Aryans but all he got was a stadium full of pasty-faced assholes with a superiority complex who could only raise one arm.”

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Northern Gateway Pipeline Means Jobs!

“As we strolled the long aisles of his warehouse, passing thousands of neatly stacked effigies of Barack Obama, Angela Merkel, Mark Zuckerberg, Gary Bettman and other hated world figures, I asked him the most obvious first question; who is his biggest seller? “That’s easy. We’re shipping out 50 Netanyahus a day right now” he said.”

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Somebody’s in a Mach…mach…Mood

“How did the missile test work this morning?” he barked into his phone.
“Still a little off”, said the minister, “we hit a falafel stand on Valiasr Avenue.”
“Well”, said the president, “Keep trying.”

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The Countdown is underway!

“Laugh those dog days of summer away.”

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Some Canadians Fearful of World Ending

A newly released Apto-Reeves survey reveals that ten percent of Canadians believe that the world will end when the Mayan Calendar stops on December 21st, 2012. The survey of 3 million Canadians across all demographics and including every ethnic group known to man shows that when asked, “When December 21st rolls around this year will [...]

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See Double Exposure ‘Live’ in New Westminster

“Two of Canada’s funniest people”

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See Double Exposure ‘live’ in New Westminster

See Double Exposure ‘live’ August 17th at The Columbia in New Westminster”

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Double Exposure ‘Live’ August 17th

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Ten Percent of Canadians Believe the World Will End

“Anyway, the Diefenbunker would have totally protected Mr. Diefenbaker from any jowl-rattling blast. These days, deep down in the bowels of the bunker, under picturesque Carp, you can take a tour where you’ll see the Prime Minister’s suite including the Diefenbunkbed where Diefenbaker would have Diefendropped off to sleep after a hard day of Diefenbroadcasting his message of hope to dead Canadians everywhere.”

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The Blessed Hockey Helmet

“Does holding that helmet up in front of 10,000 evangelicals and having them pray for its owner, make that a magical helmet with…I don’t know…super powers?”

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Mayan Horror March 23rd

272 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar
Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”
“One more important thing about the Mayans is that they weren’t a monotheistic society, which, for you those of you who didn’t get past grade 6, [...]

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Mayan Horror March 19th

“Why does this calendar stop at 11:11am Universal Time on December 21st, 2012?” Nobody really knows the answer, but I have a theory; burn out. The guy who chiseled the calendar just got fed up. The chiseler, let’s call him Mictxecacihuatxl, was chiseling away on his rock when he just said, “Screw this noise! Do they have any idea how long it takes to chisel 10 thousand years worth of dates? And they’re only paying me 20 beans a month and all the chimichangas I can eat! Forget it! Maybe it’s time to open that dance studio I’ve fantasized about.” And the chiseler downed tools just after chiseling “12/21/2012” and went off to open “Mictxecacihuatxl’s School of Mexican Hat and Chicken Dancing”.

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Mayan Horror February 21st

303 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar

Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”

“Long before fat people were shoving candy bars into their mouths, the Mayans invented chocolate, or, as it was called back then, cacao. The name was changed to chocolate in modern times because people found they couldn’t enjoy a snack that had the word ‘caca’ in it, and yet, it’s odd isn’t it, they still happily munch on pistachios.”

Long before fat people were shoving candy bars into their mouths, the Mayans invented chocolate, or, as it was called back then, cacao. The name was changed to chocolate in modern times because people found they couldn’t enjoy a snack that had the word ‘caca’ in it, and yet, it’s odd isn’t it, they still happily munch on pistachios.

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Mayan Horror February 15th

““The Mayans also perfected the blowgun that used poisonous darts. If you closely inspect the figures on the sides of Mayan temple walls, there is one figure that appears to be slumped on the ground with the message, “Never suck on a blowgun!”

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Mayan Horror February 13th

“. Who knows, maybe they eat humans and those are not anal probes at all but merely meat thermometers sticking out of the abductee’s back passage.”

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Mayan Horror February 4th

“I have a serious problem with von Daniken’s theory because if the tiny bug-eyed spacemen taught all these super races things like astronomy and mathematics, why did they stop there? Why couldn’t they have taught humans other important things like the difference between “All you can eat” and “All you should eat”? “

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Mayan Horror January 31st

“Everybody had to have a super race. You had the Egyptians, the Aztecs, the Greeks, the Atlantians, even the Lemurians who, I gather, were lemurs but they could levitate and often travelled to Uranus and back just to pick berries.”

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Mayan Horror January 29th

“It’s time to find out who are the Mayans and why they are they bringing rack and ruin to the earth. Okay, I exaggerate. There is no mention of them bringing rack, just ruin. I was just hoping there might be some rack first and that would give us time to get ready for the ruin which always follows just after the rack, but it was simply wishful thinking on my part. So, a lack of rack but plenty of ruin coming our way.”

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How to Boil a Canadian

“It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.”

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Mayan Horror January 27th

“And TV’s “Entertainment Tonight”, having milked Michael Jackson, Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen and Arnold Schwarzenegger stories dry, has turned to the Mayan Horror. Just last night the hosts were yelling, “And wait ‘til you see which of the Kardashian sisters has been dating a Mayan!”

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Mayan Horror January 15th

“?” No, Jesus wouldn’t come back during the Canadian winter, especially once hockey season is in full swing. He’d have to hope he could get a mention from Don Cherry on Coach’s Corner, and that’s not likely because Don Cherry hates foreigners, especially if they have long hair.”

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Mayan Horror January 13th

““Listen up, Christians! This end of the world cataclysm has nothing to do with you. The Mayans thought up the end of the calendar in 2012 thousands of years before there even were Christians. It’s time to let the Mayans see if they can get one right, so, stay the hell out of this, Harold Camping! Get your own damned apocalypse!”

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Mayan Horror January 12th

“Which brings me to the year 2011 and the antics of Christianity’s “Buffoon of the Year” trophy winner, the radio evangelist Harold Camping. I would call him an idiot but that would give idiots a bad name. And he has already given camping a bad name.”

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Mayan Horror January 9th

“There was the Spanish monk who suddenly blurted out into a crowded marketplace that the world would end that night. Well, it didn’t and the guys in charge of his monastery decided it would be best if he didn’t spend so much time in the Benedictine tasting room.”

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Mayan Horror January 7th

“In fact, in the “Guessing the date of the Rapture” department, Christians are the most useless of all, even worse than Nostradamus who called for the world to end in July 1999. Yes, the legendary Nostradamus! How could a man who predicted Brad and Jenn’s breakup to the exact day be so wrong about the end of the world?”

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Mayan Horror January 6th

“They’ll probably also come to the conclusion that Asshole is the god of car drivers being cut off, based on how many times his name is screamed out during those moments. We’ll deal with Asshole shortly when we get to Pastor Harold Camping.”

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Mayan Horror January 4th

“The evangelicals don’t like to hear this but if space aliens landed on earth today, they would quickly come to the conclusion that Jesus Christ is, in fact, the god of traffic jams, based on how many times his name is screamed out during those occurrences.”

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Mayan Horror January 3rd

“Stunned…horrified…shaken…dazzled…petrified…troubled…impressed…disturbed.”
C. Manson, Corcoran State Prison Daily Rattle”

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Mayan Horror January 2nd

““If you only read one book between now and December 21st, 2012, you are a very slow reader.”
Orlando Curtainbach, I Love Toronto Quarterly”

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Mayan Horror January 1st

“Twice as funny as…anything written…by Peter C. Newman”
Yeuda Mann, Markham Weekly Auto Trader”

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Mayan Horror December 31st

“I’ll leave you with this thought; here on our Pitt Meadows campus, I double as both the lead scientist at the Armageddon Lab and head coach of our football team, the Pitts. As such, I have to deal with both the long count and the short snap. Get caught off guard with either and you will have a serious protection breakdown, a mess in your backfield and, ultimately, you will be sacked. Read this book. It just might save your life.”

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Mayan Horror December 30th

““The book also shows you how to start a government from scratch and avoid common pitfalls like ending up with a right wing, micro-managing megalomaniac as leader. It’s all here. As I write this now, our team is working on a wind tunnel simulation of the Outbreak of Boils scenario. Anything is possible once that Mayan Calendar stops.”

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Mayan Horror December 29th

“Bob Robertson has covered all the possible scenarios that a planet-ending catastrophe could bring to humanity, from the ubiquitous monster earthquakes to the more obscure downpour of frogs and salamanders.”

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Mayan Horror December 28th

“His award-winning documentary about Pompeii, “Running Quickly in Sandals”, won the Caligula Prize for Pallid Writing at the Win By Luck Festival in Come By Chance, Newfoundland.”

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Mayan Horror December 27th

“The author, Bob Robertson, and I are completely in sync on this one important point; just because the oceans rise up, the earth’s tectonic plates are wrenched apart and molten lava rains down from the sky, doesn’t mean you can’t come out smiling on the other end.”

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Mayan Horror December 26th

“Let me introduce myself. I am Professor A. Jinkerson, PVC, MLB, DsT. I was very pleased to be asked to write the forward to this landmark book. As a trained catastrophysicist and the lead scientist at the Armageddon Lab here at the University of Southern British Columbia, I have dedicated my entire professional life to searching for a cure for cataclysms.”

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Mayan Horror The Countdown is on

“With the countdown underway to the end of life on earth, December 21st, 2012, this is another good time to remind you that Bob Robertson’s new book “Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World” gives you the best chance to survive the oncoming apocalypse.”

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Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 24th

“I know it’s Saskatoon in winter but geez it’s cold! And here’s a rare photo you don’t see everyday. Three of Canada’s great men: John Diefenbaker, Sir John A. Macdonald and Bob Robertson, all standing on the same corner in Saskatoon.”

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Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 23rd

“Maybe in New York there’s greater prestige if you can hang the head of a Canadian over your fireplace.”

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Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 22nd

One of the biggest things you notice while you’re standing waiting for the airport bus at Front and York Street in Toronto at 6:45am is that the Christmas lights are lit on the CN Tower. Okay, not Christmas lights per se but at this time of the year, they make the outside lights green and [...]

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Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 21st

“We were Radio DJs at a time when they hadn’t even invented cars. We came to the conclusion that every radio station manager we ever worked for was an idiot.”

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Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 20th

November 20th, 2011. It’s a testament to the capacity of this great city of Toronto that it could stage two massive events virtually at the same time: the annual Santa Claus Parade and my Mayan Horror book presentation at the Rivoli Theatre. To be fair, the parade had a few more people than my show. [...]

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Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 19th

And so…after a mighty fine night in Ottawa at Collected Works bookstore, it was off to Toronto today aboard VIA Rail. Here’s a photo at the Ottawa VIA Rail Station.

I don’t know what’s happening with my camera but on so many of the shots I take, this guy’s head keeps getting in the way…
Anyway, this [...]

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Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 18th

“I can’t explain, though, how I developed that huge goiter on my neck. Maybe it was because the Harper government has ‘choked off’ debate this week.”

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Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 17th

“…I look a little stunned I think. Maybe because I was starving. Westjet ran out of sandwiches so I had to settle for a can of beer and some Pringles, or…health food as some call it.”

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Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 16th

“If you don’t have a sense of humour, you’d best go to a reading of the new soft cover version of Mein Kampf. The author, of course, won’t be there but there will be a lot of saluting and yelling, if you like that sort of thing.”

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Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 15th

“Astrophysics 241-250, taught to the Mayans by alien beings from the Van Allen Belt, who also introduced the Mayans to belts and pocket puffs.”

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Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 14th

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” now arriving on bookstore shelves and just in time to make it the perfect Christmas gift for that special someone who needs a good laugh right about now.”

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Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 13th

“You may encounter flesh-eating zombies on your journey so I would include a bottle of bitter apple spray. I’ve used it for years to spray the legs of my couch and cats just won’t go near it. “

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Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 12th

“Did the Mayans get the date right? Is there an apocalypse around the corner? Bob Robertson offers his own hilarious take on the end of civilization in his latest book.”

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Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 11th

“Imagine being a political comedian in Iran or Somalia, or North Korea, countries where the citizens have no individual rights. I would have long since been strung up somewhere and left as buzzard food.”

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Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 10th

“You know when TV commentators talk about the plight of the Euro they all say, “This is no laughing matter”. Okay, well, when they talk about my book they will say, “This is a laughing matter.”

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Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 9th

“So far, there have been no readings planned for anywhere in the Yucatan, the original homeland of the calendar-killing Mayans. I was kind of hoping McNally Robinson might have a bookstore in Cancun where I would have dragged myself down to do a reading. It’s tough work but somebody’s got to do it.”

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Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 8th

“Wow!! A porn bunker for the apocalypse! And the Christians thought it was only Jesus who’d be coming.”

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Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 7th

“. My published wants me to remind you all that “Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” makes the perfect stocking stuffer for that hard-to-buy-for person on your list who loves howling with laughter over human annihilation.”

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Movie Scene from the ‘New’ Democratic Party

“It means the Opposition is now being led by a Montcalm in Wolfe’s clothing!”

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Scene from Downtown Vancouver

“Yeah, we’re heading south for the summer.”

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Movie Scenes – Stanley Cup

MAN
What the hell are you staring at?
BOB
I was just wondering when you were going to shave off your Playoff Eyebrows

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Hystery is History

“Maybe you’ll have even learned something, or, at the very least, when you’re at a cocktail party and someone says what do you know about explorers, you can confidently ask, “Which explorer? Ford or Dora?”

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Today in Hystery May 23rd

“On this day in 1903, the first automobile trip started out to go across the United States from San Francisco to New York. Think about it! It was 1903. Imagine your shock when you saw the sign that said, “Check your fuel. No service for the next 2900 miles.”

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Today in Hystery May 22nd

“On this day in 1955, the oldest man to drive in the Grand Prix, aged 55, finished in 6th place. It was a wonderful moment until they saw that his left turn signal was still on.”

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Today in Hystery May 21st

“On this day in 1908, the first horror movie premiered in Chicago. It was the silent film “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”. People at the premiere said that during the scene where Mr. Hyde kills his first victim, you could hear a pin drop.”

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Today in Hystery May 20th

“On this day in 1956, the United States dropped a thermonuclear bomb on the Bikini Atoll in the South Pacific. It is now an annual holiday on the Bikini Atoll known as WTF Day.”

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Today in Hystery May 19th

“On this day in 1979, the song “In The Navy” by the Village People hit #3 on the Billboard charts. So, first they made guys nervous about bending over in the YMCA shower and then they made guys nervous about polishing the torpedoes.”

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Today in Hystery May 18th

“On this day in 1927, Grauman’s Chinese Theater opened in Hollywood, California. Many movie stars claimed they had a hand in it.”

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Today in Hystery May 17th

“On this day in 1630, an Italian Jesuit priest, named Niccolo Zucchi, became the first to see two belts on the surface of Jupiter. This led to speculation that aliens wore pants.”

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SMELLING GREAT COULD KILL YOU

You may not be aware of this, but as a professionally licensed blogger, I have many responsibilities to the blog reading public. For example, all licensed bloggers have taken hundreds of hours of training in a course called ‘Rambling Verbosity on Mundanities’. This is where we learn to expound in a full and complete way on various topics that have a crucial affect on readers’ daily lives. Topics such as, “I had oatmeal for breakfast” or “My nostrils feel funny” or “Hmmm.”

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Today in Hystery May 16th

“On this day in 1836, one of America’s greatest writers, Edgar Allan Poe married his 13-year-old cousin Virginia. Poe, unfortunately, died an early death, which was disappointing because he had hoped to be with his wife while she went through puberty.”

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Today in Hystery May 15th

“On this day in 1817, the first private mental health hospital in the United States was officially opened in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. It was called “The Asylum for the Relief of Persons Deprived of the Use of Their Reason.” If they had kept on naming clinics in that style, then I guess the Betty Ford Clinic would now be “The Institution for the Curing of Hollywood Actors Deprived of the Use of Their Cocaine”.

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Today in Hystery May 14th

“On this day in 1874, the first admission was charged at a football game between Harvard and McGill. However, the score was 3-0, so I’m guessing it was also the first time a paying customer at a football game has demanded their money back.”

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Today in Hystery May 13th

“On this day in 1916, the 42nd Kentucky Derby was won by Johnny Loftus who crossed the finish line first on the back of George Smith. This caused the organizers to say that from then on, they would start using horses.”

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Today in Hystery May 12th

“On this day in 1870, Manitoba became a province of Canada. The provincial flag is a Union Jack along with the provincial coat of arms. The provincial motto in Latin is “Frigus testes mei rigentem” which means in English, “The cold is freezing my privates”, and the provincial bird is the Great Northern Warbling Mosquito. Happy birthday Manitoba!”

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Today in Hystery May 11th

“On this day in 1858, Minnesota was admitted as the 32nd U.S. state. There was a real need for a state like Minnesota, especially for people in Florida who wanted to escape the heat of January.”

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Today in Hystery May 10th

“On this day in 1931, a severe hailstorm fell on Burlington, New Jersey. People said the hail was the size of golf balls, which caused some slides with rocks the size of grapefruit, which covered an area the size of two football fields and shook the city so hard people said it felt like a train going through their basement.”

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Today in Hystery May 9th

On this day in 1502, Christopher Columbus left Spain on his 4th and final trip to the New World. To celebrate he got his crew T-shirts that said, “Been there, done that!”
On this day in 1671, the Irish desperado Colonel Thomas Blood attempted to steal the Crown Jewels from the Tower of London. First they [...]

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Today in Hystery May 8th

“On this day in 1877, the first Westminster Dog Show was held in New York City. Back in 1877, they didn’t have all the various dog breeds we have today. No Cockapoos, no Pomapoos, no Yorkipoos. If they keep making all these hybrid dogs, down the road somebody’s bound to cross a chicken with a Cocker Spaniel and a Poodle and create a Cocka-Doodle-Poo. That would be a great pet to own, plus, you’d get eggs.”

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Today in Hystery May 7th

“On this day in 1914, the United States Congress established Mother’s May. A lovely gesture, sure, but it’s good to remember that these mothers being honoured by Congress weren’t allowed, by Congress, to vote for another six years, so, I think the first Mother’s Day card should have read. “Mom, you’re the best and I know why you’re cursin’. You’re only a Mom and not a real person.”

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Today in Hystery May 6th

“On this day in 1882, Epping Forest in England was dedicated by Queen Victoria. The British weren’t impressed. They said, “What do we want with another epping forest?”

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Today in Hystery May 5th

“On this day in 1925, John T. Scopes was arrested for teaching evolution in Tennessee. You have to remember that in Tennessee they believed that Adam had sex with his cousin Eve and that’s when the banjo was invented.”

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Today in Hystery May 4th

“On this day in 1990, Angela Bowie revealed that her ex husband David Bowie had sex Mick Jagger. I guess we’ll never know how that went, although we do know which of them had the biggest hits.”

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Today in Hystery May 3rd

“On this day in 1979, Margaret Thatcher became the first female prime minister of Great Britain. She became famous for closing coal mines, bombing Argentine sheep and stopping at a gas station every morning on her way to 10 Downing Street, to inflate her hair which couldn’t be inflated to higher than 33 psi otherwise it would explode, injuring innocent cabinet ministers.”

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Today in Hystery May 2nd

“On this day in 1964, the Toronto Maple Leafs beat the Montreal Canadiens 4 games to 2 to win the NHL’s Stanley Cup. The Leafs won the cup again in 1967, but that was all she wrote, the Cup runneth no more. The little flags flapping on all the cars in Toronto say “Next year!”

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Today in Hystery May 1st

“On this day in 1889, Bayer first introduced Aspirin in Germany. Prior to that, if you lived with a constant headache, the only relief was to divorce him.”

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Today in Hystery April 30th

“On this day in 1952, Mr. Potato Head became the first toy to be advertised on television. It’s still big today while its competitors have faded away, like Mrs. Squash Bottom and Mr. Broccoli Hair.”

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Today in Hystery April 29th

“On this day in 1852, the first edition of Peter Roget’s Thesaurus was published. People were thrilled, pleased, overjoyed, ecstatic, glad, enchanted, charmed and tickled pink.”

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Today in Hystery April 28th

“On this day in 585, the ancient kingdoms of Lydia and Media were busy waging a war when, suddenly, a solar eclipse happened, and, of course, nobody could see anything so they just packed it in. Too bad there weren’t more solar eclipses in history.”

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Today in Hystery April 27th

“On this day in 1813, during the War of 1812, an American army under General Pike attacked and captured the city of Toronto. The British army wasn’t able to escape fast enough because, naturally, the Gardiner Expressway was closed that weekend (Toronto joke).”

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Today in Hystery April 26th

“On this day in 1982, 80% of Ontario’s 14,000 doctors staged a two-day walkout to protest the new fee schedule. They marched in front of the legislature building carrying placards they’d written out themselves. Unfortunately, no one could read what the placards said, except for a passing pharmacist and she told them it would be ready in about 20 minutes.”

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Today in Hystery April 25th

“On this day in 1993, Russia elected Boris Yeltsin as their absolute leader and he was never without his Absolut from that day forward.”

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Today in Hystery April 24th

“On this day in 1981, IBM introduced something called “The PC”. Actually the personal computer was invented by Xerox in 1973, but they didn’t see any future in people having their own computers, so they sold the rights to…drum roll please…Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs. In the Bonehead Hall of Fame, that is right near the top.”

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Today in Hystery April 23rd

“On this day in 1014, King Brian Boru of Ireland beat the Danes at Battle of Clontarf, near Dublin. It must have been a colourful battle to watch; the Irish forces marching in playing their uilleann pipes, the Danish marching toward them singing “There is Nothing Like a Dane”.

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Today in Hystery April 22nd

“On this day in 1955, Congress ordered all U.S. coins to bear the motto “In God We Trust”. Then, after the crash of 2008, they ordered the coins to say, “Who in God’s name do we trust now?”

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Today in Hystery April 21st

“On this day in 1509, Henry the 8th became King of England and he immediately married Catherine of Aragon because she really wanted to marry Henry the 8th. She wouldn’t have a Willy or a Sam.”

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Today in Hystery April 20th

“On this day in 1918, German World War One fighter pilot Manfred von Richthofen, better known as The Red Baron, shot down his 79th and 80th airplanes. They became his final victories in the air because he, himself, was shot down the next day. His last words were, “Who knew that Beagles could fly airplanes?”

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Today in Hystery April 19th

“On this day in 1898, the second Boston Marathon was won by a Canadian, Ronald J. McDonald. His time was 2 hours and 42 minutes, which was amazing because he was running in giant clown shoes.”

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Today in Hystery April 18th

“If your birthday is April 18th, you share it with reality TV personality Kourtney Kardashian who was born on this day in 1979. There are three Kardashian sisters; Kourtney, Sack of Hammers and Fence Post.”

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Today in Hystery April 17th

“On this day in 1397, Geoffrey Chaucer told the Canterbury Tales for the first time at the court of Richard II. You’ll remember Geoff from “A Knights Tale”, the true story of how Chaucer and his pals travel around getting into jousting tournaments where the crowd sings “We Will Rock You”. Oh, yeah, that song was such a huge hit in 1397! It was sung by the queen wasn’t it?”

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Today in Hystery April 16th

“On this day in 1724, the first Easter was observed. “And on the second day, they rolled the eggs down the hill and someone cried out, ‘there’s a bunny in this bush and it’s made of chocolate!” Good times!”

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Today in Hystery April 15th

“On this day in 1493, Christopher Columbus met with King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain after he had returned from his first voyage. “How did it go?” they asked. “Well” said Chris “Looks like we discovered India. Any chance of getting that cheque today?”

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Today in Hystery April 14th

“On this day in 1894, Thomas Edison introduced a device he called a “peep show”, so, I guess we can now say that not only did he invent the phonograph, he also invented the ‘porno-graph’.”

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Today in Hystery April 13th

“On this day in 837, the best view of Halley’s Comet in 2000 years occurred. Sadly, those were the dark ages and nobody could see anything.”

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Today in Hystery April 12th

On this day in 1385, Willem van Oostervant married Margaretha, the daughter of King Philip the Stout. I guess Willem, knowing whose daughter she was, had to constantly be yelling at her, “Stay away from the mutton!”
On this day in 1606, England adopted the Union Jack as its flag. One of the questions I’ve always [...]

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Today in Hystery April 11th

“On this day in 1906, Einstein introduced his Theory of Relativity as only Einstein could. You see, most human beings use only 2% of their brain. Einstein used 30% of his brain. It was bigger than ours. That’s why the women were so crazy about him. They knew he had a big brain.”

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Today in Hystery April 10th

“On this day in 837, Comet 1P/837 F1, also known as Halley’s Comet approached within 0.0334 astronomical units of Earth. The giant rock appeared brightest three times in the afternoon, which is why it was called the “One o’clock, two o’clock, three o’clock, rock.”

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Today in Hystery April 9th

“On this day in 1912, the White Star ocean liner Titanic left Queenstown, Ireland bound for New York. The 46,000-ton ship featured four funnels; ten decks, three propellers and two people standing in the prow with their arms wide open, yelling.”

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Today in Hystery April 8th

“On this day in 1879, milk was sold in glass bottles for first time. Ah, those were the days when the gleaming glass bottles of milk would be dropped off at your front door by the milkman, or as some use to call him, ‘Daddy’.”

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Today in Hystery April 7th

“On this day in 1795, France adopted the metre as the basic measure of length. It was a simple system with everything divided by ten. The English, meanwhile, decided to stick with the ‘yard’, which King Henry the First came up with. He said a ‘yard’ was the distance from the tip of his nose to the end of his thumb. Sure, but the next king might have a schnoz twice as long and arms 6 inches shorter. As for the ‘foot’, that was supposed to be based on the length of a man’s foot. And you’re telling me that the British became the greatest empire in the world using measurements based on body parts? I don’t think I have the courage to look up where they got the ‘inch’ from.”

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Today in Hystery April 6th

“On this day in 1930, bakery executive James Dewar invented Hostess Twinkies. You’ll remember him from the Bruce Willis movie where he walked around saying “I see fat people!”

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Today in Hystery April 5th

“On this day in 1958, in one of the largest non-nuclear explosions of all time, the marine hazard Ripple Rock, off Campbell River, British Columbia, was destroyed. Shortly after the massive explosion, the Canadian government claimed responsibility.”

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Today in Hystery April 4th

“On this day in 1967, a new Dutch government came to power led by Prime Minister de Jong. It was a close race between de Jong and de Restless.”

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Today in Hystery April 3rd

“On this day in 1973, the first cell phone call was made in New York City, and, for the first time in history that famous phrase was spoken, “Hey, ‘Sup?”

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Today in Hystery April 2nd

“On this day in 1800, the first performance of Ludwig von Beethoven’s First Symphony took place. In total, Beethoven wrote nine symphonies. He was working on his tenth when he died but it wouldn’t have been successful, especially because of the middle movement with the banjo parts.”

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