Past Articles

Mayan Horror January 31st

“Everybody had to have a super race. You had the Egyptians, the Aztecs, the Greeks, the Atlantians, even the Lemurians who, I gather, were lemurs but they could levitate and often travelled to Uranus and back just to pick berries.”

Mayan Horror January 29th

“It’s time to find out who are the Mayans and why they are they bringing rack and ruin to the earth. Okay, I exaggerate. There is no mention of them bringing rack, just ruin. I was just hoping there might be some rack first and that would give us time to get ready for the ruin which always follows just after the rack, but it was simply wishful thinking on my part. So, a lack of rack but plenty of ruin coming our way.”

How to Boil a Canadian

“It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.”

Mayan Horror January 27th

“And TV’s “Entertainment Tonight”, having milked Michael Jackson, Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen and Arnold Schwarzenegger stories dry, has turned to the Mayan Horror. Just last night the hosts were yelling, “And wait ‘til you see which of the Kardashian sisters has been dating a Mayan!”

Mayan Horror January 15th

“?” No, Jesus wouldn’t come back during the Canadian winter, especially once hockey season is in full swing. He’d have to hope he could get a mention from Don Cherry on Coach’s Corner, and that’s not likely because Don Cherry hates foreigners, especially if they have long hair.”

Mayan Horror January 13th

““Listen up, Christians! This end of the world cataclysm has nothing to do with you. The Mayans thought up the end of the calendar in 2012 thousands of years before there even were Christians. It’s time to let the Mayans see if they can get one right, so, stay the hell out of this, Harold Camping! Get your own damned apocalypse!”

Mayan Horror January 12th

“Which brings me to the year 2011 and the antics of Christianity’s “Buffoon of the Year” trophy winner, the radio evangelist Harold Camping. I would call him an idiot but that would give idiots a bad name. And he has already given camping a bad name.”

Mayan Horror January 9th

“There was the Spanish monk who suddenly blurted out into a crowded marketplace that the world would end that night. Well, it didn’t and the guys in charge of his monastery decided it would be best if he didn’t spend so much time in the Benedictine tasting room.”

Mayan Horror January 7th

“In fact, in the “Guessing the date of the Rapture” department, Christians are the most useless of all, even worse than Nostradamus who called for the world to end in July 1999. Yes, the legendary Nostradamus! How could a man who predicted Brad and Jenn’s breakup to the exact day be so wrong about the end of the world?”

Mayan Horror January 6th

“They’ll probably also come to the conclusion that Asshole is the god of car drivers being cut off, based on how many times his name is screamed out during those moments. We’ll deal with Asshole shortly when we get to Pastor Harold Camping.”

Mayan Horror January 4th

“The evangelicals don’t like to hear this but if space aliens landed on earth today, they would quickly come to the conclusion that Jesus Christ is, in fact, the god of traffic jams, based on how many times his name is screamed out during those occurrences.”

Mayan Horror January 3rd

“Stunned…horrified…shaken…dazzled…petrified…troubled…impressed…disturbed.”
C. Manson, Corcoran State Prison Daily Rattle”

Mayan Horror January 2nd

““If you only read one book between now and December 21st, 2012, you are a very slow reader.”
Orlando Curtainbach, I Love Toronto Quarterly”

Mayan Horror January 1st

“Twice as funny as…anything written…by Peter C. Newman”
Yeuda Mann, Markham Weekly Auto Trader”

Mayan Horror December 31st

“I’ll leave you with this thought; here on our Pitt Meadows campus, I double as both the lead scientist at the Armageddon Lab and head coach of our football team, the Pitts. As such, I have to deal with both the long count and the short snap. Get caught off guard with either and you will have a serious protection breakdown, a mess in your backfield and, ultimately, you will be sacked. Read this book. It just might save your life.”

Mayan Horror December 30th

““The book also shows you how to start a government from scratch and avoid common pitfalls like ending up with a right wing, micro-managing megalomaniac as leader. It’s all here. As I write this now, our team is working on a wind tunnel simulation of the Outbreak of Boils scenario. Anything is possible once that Mayan Calendar stops.”

Mayan Horror December 29th

“Bob Robertson has covered all the possible scenarios that a planet-ending catastrophe could bring to humanity, from the ubiquitous monster earthquakes to the more obscure downpour of frogs and salamanders.”

Mayan Horror December 28th

“His award-winning documentary about Pompeii, “Running Quickly in Sandals”, won the Caligula Prize for Pallid Writing at the Win By Luck Festival in Come By Chance, Newfoundland.”

Mayan Horror December 27th

“The author, Bob Robertson, and I are completely in sync on this one important point; just because the oceans rise up, the earth’s tectonic plates are wrenched apart and molten lava rains down from the sky, doesn’t mean you can’t come out smiling on the other end.”

Mayan Horror December 26th

“Let me introduce myself. I am Professor A. Jinkerson, PVC, MLB, DsT. I was very pleased to be asked to write the forward to this landmark book. As a trained catastrophysicist and the lead scientist at the Armageddon Lab here at the University of Southern British Columbia, I have dedicated my entire professional life to searching for a cure for cataclysms.”

Mayan Horror The Countdown is on

“With the countdown underway to the end of life on earth, December 21st, 2012, this is another good time to remind you that Bob Robertson’s new book “Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World” gives you the best chance to survive the oncoming apocalypse.”

Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 24th

“I know it’s Saskatoon in winter but geez it’s cold! And here’s a rare photo you don’t see everyday. Three of Canada’s great men: John Diefenbaker, Sir John A. Macdonald and Bob Robertson, all standing on the same corner in Saskatoon.”

Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 23rd

“Maybe in New York there’s greater prestige if you can hang the head of a Canadian over your fireplace.”

Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 22nd

One of the biggest things you notice while you’re standing waiting for the airport bus at Front and York Street in Toronto at 6:45am is that the Christmas lights are lit on the CN Tower. Okay, not Christmas lights per se but at this time of the year, they make the outside lights green and [...]

Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 21st

“We were Radio DJs at a time when they hadn’t even invented cars. We came to the conclusion that every radio station manager we ever worked for was an idiot.”

Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 20th

November 20th, 2011. It’s a testament to the capacity of this great city of Toronto that it could stage two massive events virtually at the same time: the annual Santa Claus Parade and my Mayan Horror book presentation at the Rivoli Theatre. To be fair, the parade had a few more people than my show. [...]

Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 19th

And so…after a mighty fine night in Ottawa at Collected Works bookstore, it was off to Toronto today aboard VIA Rail. Here’s a photo at the Ottawa VIA Rail Station.

I don’t know what’s happening with my camera but on so many of the shots I take, this guy’s head keeps getting in the way…
Anyway, this [...]

Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 18th

“I can’t explain, though, how I developed that huge goiter on my neck. Maybe it was because the Harper government has ‘choked off’ debate this week.”

Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 17th

“…I look a little stunned I think. Maybe because I was starving. Westjet ran out of sandwiches so I had to settle for a can of beer and some Pringles, or…health food as some call it.”

Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 16th

“If you don’t have a sense of humour, you’d best go to a reading of the new soft cover version of Mein Kampf. The author, of course, won’t be there but there will be a lot of saluting and yelling, if you like that sort of thing.”

Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 15th

“Astrophysics 241-250, taught to the Mayans by alien beings from the Van Allen Belt, who also introduced the Mayans to belts and pocket puffs.”

Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 14th

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” now arriving on bookstore shelves and just in time to make it the perfect Christmas gift for that special someone who needs a good laugh right about now.”

Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 13th

“You may encounter flesh-eating zombies on your journey so I would include a bottle of bitter apple spray. I’ve used it for years to spray the legs of my couch and cats just won’t go near it. “

Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 12th

“Did the Mayans get the date right? Is there an apocalypse around the corner? Bob Robertson offers his own hilarious take on the end of civilization in his latest book.”

Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 11th

“Imagine being a political comedian in Iran or Somalia, or North Korea, countries where the citizens have no individual rights. I would have long since been strung up somewhere and left as buzzard food.”

Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 10th

“You know when TV commentators talk about the plight of the Euro they all say, “This is no laughing matter”. Okay, well, when they talk about my book they will say, “This is a laughing matter.”

Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 9th

“So far, there have been no readings planned for anywhere in the Yucatan, the original homeland of the calendar-killing Mayans. I was kind of hoping McNally Robinson might have a bookstore in Cancun where I would have dragged myself down to do a reading. It’s tough work but somebody’s got to do it.”

Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 8th

“Wow!! A porn bunker for the apocalypse! And the Christians thought it was only Jesus who’d be coming.”

Mayan Horror Daily Blog November 7th

“. My published wants me to remind you all that “Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” makes the perfect stocking stuffer for that hard-to-buy-for person on your list who loves howling with laughter over human annihilation.”

Movie Scene from the ‘New’ Democratic Party

“It means the Opposition is now being led by a Montcalm in Wolfe’s clothing!”

Scene from Downtown Vancouver

“Yeah, we’re heading south for the summer.”

Movie Scenes – Stanley Cup

MAN
What the hell are you staring at?
BOB
I was just wondering when you were going to shave off your Playoff Eyebrows

Hystery is History

“Maybe you’ll have even learned something, or, at the very least, when you’re at a cocktail party and someone says what do you know about explorers, you can confidently ask, “Which explorer? Ford or Dora?”

Today in Hystery May 23rd

“On this day in 1903, the first automobile trip started out to go across the United States from San Francisco to New York. Think about it! It was 1903. Imagine your shock when you saw the sign that said, “Check your fuel. No service for the next 2900 miles.”

Today in Hystery May 22nd

“On this day in 1955, the oldest man to drive in the Grand Prix, aged 55, finished in 6th place. It was a wonderful moment until they saw that his left turn signal was still on.”

Today in Hystery May 21st

“On this day in 1908, the first horror movie premiered in Chicago. It was the silent film “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”. People at the premiere said that during the scene where Mr. Hyde kills his first victim, you could hear a pin drop.”

Today in Hystery May 20th

“On this day in 1956, the United States dropped a thermonuclear bomb on the Bikini Atoll in the South Pacific. It is now an annual holiday on the Bikini Atoll known as WTF Day.”

Today in Hystery May 19th

“On this day in 1979, the song “In The Navy” by the Village People hit #3 on the Billboard charts. So, first they made guys nervous about bending over in the YMCA shower and then they made guys nervous about polishing the torpedoes.”

Today in Hystery May 18th

“On this day in 1927, Grauman’s Chinese Theater opened in Hollywood, California. Many movie stars claimed they had a hand in it.”

Today in Hystery May 17th

“On this day in 1630, an Italian Jesuit priest, named Niccolo Zucchi, became the first to see two belts on the surface of Jupiter. This led to speculation that aliens wore pants.”

SMELLING GREAT COULD KILL YOU

You may not be aware of this, but as a professionally licensed blogger, I have many responsibilities to the blog reading public. For example, all licensed bloggers have taken hundreds of hours of training in a course called ‘Rambling Verbosity on Mundanities’. This is where we learn to expound in a full and complete way on various topics that have a crucial affect on readers’ daily lives. Topics such as, “I had oatmeal for breakfast” or “My nostrils feel funny” or “Hmmm.”

Today in Hystery May 16th

“On this day in 1836, one of America’s greatest writers, Edgar Allan Poe married his 13-year-old cousin Virginia. Poe, unfortunately, died an early death, which was disappointing because he had hoped to be with his wife while she went through puberty.”

Today in Hystery May 15th

“On this day in 1817, the first private mental health hospital in the United States was officially opened in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. It was called “The Asylum for the Relief of Persons Deprived of the Use of Their Reason.” If they had kept on naming clinics in that style, then I guess the Betty Ford Clinic would now be “The Institution for the Curing of Hollywood Actors Deprived of the Use of Their Cocaine”.

Today in Hystery May 14th

“On this day in 1874, the first admission was charged at a football game between Harvard and McGill. However, the score was 3-0, so I’m guessing it was also the first time a paying customer at a football game has demanded their money back.”

Today in Hystery May 13th

“On this day in 1916, the 42nd Kentucky Derby was won by Johnny Loftus who crossed the finish line first on the back of George Smith. This caused the organizers to say that from then on, they would start using horses.”

Today in Hystery May 12th

“On this day in 1870, Manitoba became a province of Canada. The provincial flag is a Union Jack along with the provincial coat of arms. The provincial motto in Latin is “Frigus testes mei rigentem” which means in English, “The cold is freezing my privates”, and the provincial bird is the Great Northern Warbling Mosquito. Happy birthday Manitoba!”

Today in Hystery May 11th

“On this day in 1858, Minnesota was admitted as the 32nd U.S. state. There was a real need for a state like Minnesota, especially for people in Florida who wanted to escape the heat of January.”

Today in Hystery May 10th

“On this day in 1931, a severe hailstorm fell on Burlington, New Jersey. People said the hail was the size of golf balls, which caused some slides with rocks the size of grapefruit, which covered an area the size of two football fields and shook the city so hard people said it felt like a train going through their basement.”

Today in Hystery May 9th

On this day in 1502, Christopher Columbus left Spain on his 4th and final trip to the New World. To celebrate he got his crew T-shirts that said, “Been there, done that!”
On this day in 1671, the Irish desperado Colonel Thomas Blood attempted to steal the Crown Jewels from the Tower of London. First they [...]

Today in Hystery May 8th

“On this day in 1877, the first Westminster Dog Show was held in New York City. Back in 1877, they didn’t have all the various dog breeds we have today. No Cockapoos, no Pomapoos, no Yorkipoos. If they keep making all these hybrid dogs, down the road somebody’s bound to cross a chicken with a Cocker Spaniel and a Poodle and create a Cocka-Doodle-Poo. That would be a great pet to own, plus, you’d get eggs.”

Today in Hystery May 7th

“On this day in 1914, the United States Congress established Mother’s May. A lovely gesture, sure, but it’s good to remember that these mothers being honoured by Congress weren’t allowed, by Congress, to vote for another six years, so, I think the first Mother’s Day card should have read. “Mom, you’re the best and I know why you’re cursin’. You’re only a Mom and not a real person.”

Today in Hystery May 6th

“On this day in 1882, Epping Forest in England was dedicated by Queen Victoria. The British weren’t impressed. They said, “What do we want with another epping forest?”

Today in Hystery May 5th

“On this day in 1925, John T. Scopes was arrested for teaching evolution in Tennessee. You have to remember that in Tennessee they believed that Adam had sex with his cousin Eve and that’s when the banjo was invented.”

Today in Hystery May 4th

“On this day in 1990, Angela Bowie revealed that her ex husband David Bowie had sex Mick Jagger. I guess we’ll never know how that went, although we do know which of them had the biggest hits.”

Today in Hystery May 3rd

“On this day in 1979, Margaret Thatcher became the first female prime minister of Great Britain. She became famous for closing coal mines, bombing Argentine sheep and stopping at a gas station every morning on her way to 10 Downing Street, to inflate her hair which couldn’t be inflated to higher than 33 psi otherwise it would explode, injuring innocent cabinet ministers.”

Today in Hystery May 2nd

“On this day in 1964, the Toronto Maple Leafs beat the Montreal Canadiens 4 games to 2 to win the NHL’s Stanley Cup. The Leafs won the cup again in 1967, but that was all she wrote, the Cup runneth no more. The little flags flapping on all the cars in Toronto say “Next year!”

Today in Hystery May 1st

“On this day in 1889, Bayer first introduced Aspirin in Germany. Prior to that, if you lived with a constant headache, the only relief was to divorce him.”

Today in Hystery April 30th

“On this day in 1952, Mr. Potato Head became the first toy to be advertised on television. It’s still big today while its competitors have faded away, like Mrs. Squash Bottom and Mr. Broccoli Hair.”

Today in Hystery April 29th

“On this day in 1852, the first edition of Peter Roget’s Thesaurus was published. People were thrilled, pleased, overjoyed, ecstatic, glad, enchanted, charmed and tickled pink.”

Today in Hystery April 28th

“On this day in 585, the ancient kingdoms of Lydia and Media were busy waging a war when, suddenly, a solar eclipse happened, and, of course, nobody could see anything so they just packed it in. Too bad there weren’t more solar eclipses in history.”

Today in Hystery April 27th

“On this day in 1813, during the War of 1812, an American army under General Pike attacked and captured the city of Toronto. The British army wasn’t able to escape fast enough because, naturally, the Gardiner Expressway was closed that weekend (Toronto joke).”

Today in Hystery April 26th

“On this day in 1982, 80% of Ontario’s 14,000 doctors staged a two-day walkout to protest the new fee schedule. They marched in front of the legislature building carrying placards they’d written out themselves. Unfortunately, no one could read what the placards said, except for a passing pharmacist and she told them it would be ready in about 20 minutes.”

Today in Hystery April 25th

“On this day in 1993, Russia elected Boris Yeltsin as their absolute leader and he was never without his Absolut from that day forward.”

Today in Hystery April 24th

“On this day in 1981, IBM introduced something called “The PC”. Actually the personal computer was invented by Xerox in 1973, but they didn’t see any future in people having their own computers, so they sold the rights to…drum roll please…Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs. In the Bonehead Hall of Fame, that is right near the top.”

Today in Hystery April 23rd

“On this day in 1014, King Brian Boru of Ireland beat the Danes at Battle of Clontarf, near Dublin. It must have been a colourful battle to watch; the Irish forces marching in playing their uilleann pipes, the Danish marching toward them singing “There is Nothing Like a Dane”.

Today in Hystery April 22nd

“On this day in 1955, Congress ordered all U.S. coins to bear the motto “In God We Trust”. Then, after the crash of 2008, they ordered the coins to say, “Who in God’s name do we trust now?”

Today in Hystery April 21st

“On this day in 1509, Henry the 8th became King of England and he immediately married Catherine of Aragon because she really wanted to marry Henry the 8th. She wouldn’t have a Willy or a Sam.”

Today in Hystery April 20th

“On this day in 1918, German World War One fighter pilot Manfred von Richthofen, better known as The Red Baron, shot down his 79th and 80th airplanes. They became his final victories in the air because he, himself, was shot down the next day. His last words were, “Who knew that Beagles could fly airplanes?”

Today in Hystery April 19th

“On this day in 1898, the second Boston Marathon was won by a Canadian, Ronald J. McDonald. His time was 2 hours and 42 minutes, which was amazing because he was running in giant clown shoes.”

Today in Hystery April 18th

“If your birthday is April 18th, you share it with reality TV personality Kourtney Kardashian who was born on this day in 1979. There are three Kardashian sisters; Kourtney, Sack of Hammers and Fence Post.”

Today in Hystery April 17th

“On this day in 1397, Geoffrey Chaucer told the Canterbury Tales for the first time at the court of Richard II. You’ll remember Geoff from “A Knights Tale”, the true story of how Chaucer and his pals travel around getting into jousting tournaments where the crowd sings “We Will Rock You”. Oh, yeah, that song was such a huge hit in 1397! It was sung by the queen wasn’t it?”

Today in Hystery April 16th

“On this day in 1724, the first Easter was observed. “And on the second day, they rolled the eggs down the hill and someone cried out, ‘there’s a bunny in this bush and it’s made of chocolate!” Good times!”

Today in Hystery April 15th

“On this day in 1493, Christopher Columbus met with King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain after he had returned from his first voyage. “How did it go?” they asked. “Well” said Chris “Looks like we discovered India. Any chance of getting that cheque today?”

Today in Hystery April 14th

“On this day in 1894, Thomas Edison introduced a device he called a “peep show”, so, I guess we can now say that not only did he invent the phonograph, he also invented the ‘porno-graph’.”

Today in Hystery April 13th

“On this day in 837, the best view of Halley’s Comet in 2000 years occurred. Sadly, those were the dark ages and nobody could see anything.”

Today in Hystery April 12th

On this day in 1385, Willem van Oostervant married Margaretha, the daughter of King Philip the Stout. I guess Willem, knowing whose daughter she was, had to constantly be yelling at her, “Stay away from the mutton!”
On this day in 1606, England adopted the Union Jack as its flag. One of the questions I’ve always [...]

Today in Hystery April 11th

“On this day in 1906, Einstein introduced his Theory of Relativity as only Einstein could. You see, most human beings use only 2% of their brain. Einstein used 30% of his brain. It was bigger than ours. That’s why the women were so crazy about him. They knew he had a big brain.”

Today in Hystery April 10th

“On this day in 837, Comet 1P/837 F1, also known as Halley’s Comet approached within 0.0334 astronomical units of Earth. The giant rock appeared brightest three times in the afternoon, which is why it was called the “One o’clock, two o’clock, three o’clock, rock.”

Today in Hystery April 9th

“On this day in 1912, the White Star ocean liner Titanic left Queenstown, Ireland bound for New York. The 46,000-ton ship featured four funnels; ten decks, three propellers and two people standing in the prow with their arms wide open, yelling.”

Today in Hystery April 8th

“On this day in 1879, milk was sold in glass bottles for first time. Ah, those were the days when the gleaming glass bottles of milk would be dropped off at your front door by the milkman, or as some use to call him, ‘Daddy’.”

Today in Hystery April 7th

“On this day in 1795, France adopted the metre as the basic measure of length. It was a simple system with everything divided by ten. The English, meanwhile, decided to stick with the ‘yard’, which King Henry the First came up with. He said a ‘yard’ was the distance from the tip of his nose to the end of his thumb. Sure, but the next king might have a schnoz twice as long and arms 6 inches shorter. As for the ‘foot’, that was supposed to be based on the length of a man’s foot. And you’re telling me that the British became the greatest empire in the world using measurements based on body parts? I don’t think I have the courage to look up where they got the ‘inch’ from.”

Today in Hystery April 6th

“On this day in 1930, bakery executive James Dewar invented Hostess Twinkies. You’ll remember him from the Bruce Willis movie where he walked around saying “I see fat people!”

Today in Hystery April 5th

“On this day in 1958, in one of the largest non-nuclear explosions of all time, the marine hazard Ripple Rock, off Campbell River, British Columbia, was destroyed. Shortly after the massive explosion, the Canadian government claimed responsibility.”

Today in Hystery April 4th

“On this day in 1967, a new Dutch government came to power led by Prime Minister de Jong. It was a close race between de Jong and de Restless.”

Today in Hystery April 3rd

“On this day in 1973, the first cell phone call was made in New York City, and, for the first time in history that famous phrase was spoken, “Hey, ‘Sup?”

Today in Hystery April 2nd

“On this day in 1800, the first performance of Ludwig von Beethoven’s First Symphony took place. In total, Beethoven wrote nine symphonies. He was working on his tenth when he died but it wouldn’t have been successful, especially because of the middle movement with the banjo parts.”

Today in Hystery April 1st

“On this day in 1868, Canadians celebrated their first April Fools Day or as they call it in Quebec, Poisson D’avril which means “Fish of April”. I kid you not. So I wish that whatever happens to you today, you don’t end up smelling like a fish.”

Today in Hystery March 31st

“On this day in 1975, the CN Tower in Toronto reached 555.35 metres in height or 1822 feet, becoming the world’s tallest freestanding structure; there was nothing higher than that except for the snowboarders sitting in Whistler enjoying some BC Bud.”

Today in Hystery March 30th

“On this day in 1992, the 64th Academy Awards took place. The big winner, as Best Picture, was “The Silence of the Lambs”. Everybody rushed out to see it, well, except my neighbor, Bob who never went to the movies. He only saw the ads. He said to me, “Why would I see a movie about a hockey goalie who eats people?”

Today in Hystery March 29th

“On this day in 1795, Ludwig von Beethoven, 24 years old, debuted as a pianist in Vienna. I believe he was playing at a smoky bar in the Hietzing District. He was half way through his 5th Symphony when a man came up to his piano, dropped a handful of Pfenniges in his tip jar and said, “Man! What are you doin’ here?”

Today in Hystery March 28th

“On this day in 1866, the first ambulance went into service in the U.S It also marked the first day that an ambulance was followed by some lawyers on horseback.”

Today in Hystery March 27th

” On this day in 1935, John Buchan, Lord Tweedsmuir, was appointed as Governor General of Canada. Buchan was a successful novelist before he was appointed. He had written the best seller, “The 39 Steps”. Whoever appointed him was very wise, choosing a novelist as Governor General, considering that Canada’s parliament contains mostly fiction with a bit of tragedy and a lot of comedy.”

Today in Hystery March 26th

“On this day in 1921, one of Canada’s most famous boats was launched in Halifax, the schooner Bluenose. For years the Bluenose won races as the fastest ship in the North Atlantic. That earned her enough credit to get put on the Canadian dime, and she’s still there today, as we like to say, on the Queen’s backside.”

Today in Hystery March 25th

“On this day in 1882, the first demonstration of pancake making took place in a New York City department store. That’s interesting because I thought these things started out on the range with cowboys sharing this special treat. Okay, so maybe the word ‘flapjacks’ has a very different meaning.”

Today in Hystery March 24th

“On this day in 1989, one of the worst oil spills in history happened when the tanker Exxon Valdez ran aground on a reef and spilled 11.3 million gallons of oil into the ocean off Alaska. The moral of the story is; never drink then get behind the rudder.”

Today in Hystery March 23rd

“On this day in 1923, Foster Hewitt, Canada’s ‘Voice of Hockey’ announced his first hockey game over the Toronto Star’s radio station. Foster Hewitt was the man who coined the phrase, “He shoots! He scores!” Everybody has used it since then, hockey play-by-play announcers…Bill Clinton.”

Today in Hystery March 22nd

“On this day in 1841, a man named Orlando Jones patented Cornstarch, proving that there’s almost nothing you can’t do with corn. You can boil it, roast it, pop it, make a pipe out of it, make it into tortillas, make it into bourbon, mix it with a hot dog for a real taste treat, even add it to comedy to make people groan. The only thing you can’t do with corn is elect it to government, although looking at who we’ve got there these days, a cob of corn might be more effective.”

Today in Hystery March 21st

“On this day in 743, the exporting of slaves by Christians to heathen areas was prohibited, and this made a lot of sense. I mean, what if you exported your slaves to a place where heathens lived and your slaves were captured by the heathen and became…slaves?”

Today in Hystery March 20th

“On this day in 1345, the planets Saturn, Jupiter and Mars were in a conjunction of ascension and, in Europe, people thought that was what caused the plague. That’s nonsense, of course! However, if Neptune ever ascended into Uranus that could make you quite feverish.”

Today in Hystery March 19th

“On this day in 1279, the Battle of Yamen took place. The Mongols beat the Chinese army and that brought an end to the Song Dynasty in China. I mention this because there are a number of people out there who think David Foster is the head of the Song Dynasty.”

Today in Hystery March 18th

“On this day in the year 37, the Roman Senate annulled the will of Emperor Tiberius and proclaimed Caligula the new emperor. Caligula’s motto, by the way, was “sulum aufero suum induviae quod operor insolitus res” which, translated means, “let’s get naked and do weird things!”

Today in Hystery March 17th

“On this day in 1858, in Toronto Ontario, a riot broke out during the Saint Patrick’s Day Parade. One man was stabbed to death. This is why, if you live in Toronto, it’s much safer to go to the Santa Claus Parade. Leprechauns might like fighting, but elves wouldn’t dare.”

Today in Hystery March 16th

“On this day in 1995, the Mississippi House of Representatives ratified the 13th Amendment and slavery officially ended in Mississippi. That is what we call in Canada “Sober Second Thought”.

Today in Hystery March 15th

“On this day in 1964, U.S. President Lynden Baines Johnson asked America to start a War on Poverty. It seems to be the only war they’ve been in over the last 50 years with a successful exit strategy.”

Today in Hystery March 14th

“On this day in 1812, the U.S. Congress authorized war bonds to finance the War of 1812, the war against Canada, which by the way, Canada won, even marching on Washington and burning down the Whitehouse. The lesson is obvious; don’t piss the Canadians off!”

Today in Hystery March 13th

“On this day in 1925, the state of Tennessee made it unlawful to teach evolution. Fortunately, it was still legal for cousins to marry and to refuse service to black people so, hey, it wasn’t totally a bad news day.”

Today in Hystery March 12th

“If your birthday is March 12th, you share it with singer and actor Liza Minnelli who was born on this day in 1946. She has become quite a role model for children in America. Lots of boys hope they can become Liza Minnelli.”

Today in Hystery March 11th

“On this day in 537, the Goths laid siege to the city of Rome. This was followed the next year by an attack by the Punks, but the worst attack on Rome was by the Industrial Musicians. People literally ran screaming from the city with their hands over their ears.”

Today in Hystery March 10th

“On this day in 1896, heavyweight boxer Bob Fitzsimmons knocked out his much larger opponent, Jim Corbett, to win the World Heavyweight Boxing Championship. When they asked him about it afterward he said…drum roll, please…”The bigger they are, the harder they fall”. Okay, now, if only I can find out when the phrase “You’re welcome” became “No problem”.

Today in Hystery March 9th

“On this day in 1776, Adam Smith published a book called “The Wealth of Nations” which became the standard guide for all capitalist countries in the world. These days, capitalist countries use a different book as their guide; “Massive Debt for Dummies”

Today in Hystery March 8th

“On this day in 1934, scientist Edwin Hubble showed the world a photo of the universe showing that there are as many galaxies as there are stars in the Milky Way. Billions and billions of stars out there, and, to their credit, not one of them has ever been in rehab.”

Today in Hystery March 7th

“On his day in 1933, the game of “Monopoly” was invented. These days, as you’ve probably noticed there are so many versions of Monopoly for sale I can’t keep up. The latest I saw was Google-Opoly, where every space says Google. Finally, we understand what the word ‘monopoly’ means!”

Today in Hystery March 6th

“On this day in 1899, Bayer registered Aspirin as a trademark. The actual name of the pill is acetylsalicylic acid…and that, boys and girls, is why they called it Aspirin.”

Today in Hystery March 5th

“On this day in 1651, the South Sea dike in Amsterdam broke after a storm. A young boy later faced charges of withdrawing his finger.”

Today in Hystery March 4th

“On this day in 1933, Franklin Delano Roosevelt was inaugurated as the 32nd president of the United States. In his inauguration speech, he pledged to pull the U.S. out of the Depression and spoke his famous line, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself”. I believe the list has grown since then.”

Today in Hystery March 3rd

On this day in 468, Saint Simplicius was elected as Pope to succeed Pope Hilarius. Now, who said the Catholic Church doesn’t have a sense of humour?
On this day in 1634, Boston’s first tavern opened. It was a great success. Patrons reportedly said they liked going to a place “where everybody knows your name”
On this [...]

Today in Hystery March 2nd

“On this day in 986, Louis the Fifth became the King of the Franks. I was shocked when I read this. I thought the King of the Franks was Oscar Mayer.”

Today in Hystery March 1st

“On this day in 1957, Kokomo the Chimp became television’s “Today Show” animal editor. That was very early in television. These days Chimpanzees run everything from the prime time line-ups all the way down to the loudness of TV commercials. They’ve come a long way!”

Today in Hystery February 29th (For Leap Years)

On this day in 1504, Christopher Columbus used a lunar eclipse to frighten hostile Jamaican Indians. “Listen you people! Back off, or I make the moon go away! Okay, you asked for it! Yeah, and if you try it again I’ll make the sun go away! Oh, and one more thing; I’m sure this is [...]

Today in Hystery February 28th

“On this day in 1984, Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Elliot Trudeau went for a walk in a blizzard and decided to resign as Prime Minister. For all the politicians in Ottawa today, it makes you wish there were more blizzards to go walking in.”

Today in Hystery February 27th

“On this day in 1991, the U.S. led, six- week-war with Iraq ended. So let me get this straight; the exit strategy was to be out in six weeks? Oh, the good old days!”

Today in Hystery February 26th

“On this day in 1930, the first red and green traffic lights were installed in New York City, and they have been ignored ever since.”

Today in Hystery February 25th

“On this day in 1932, Austrian citizen Adolf Hitler got his German citizenship…and there’s the problem right there isn’t it? Be careful who you let into your country.”

Today in Hystery February 24th

“On this day in 1998, pop star Elton John was knighted. It was all very exciting except for the shock when Elton arrived at Buckingham Palace and discovered that he and the Queen were both wearing the same dress.”

Today in Hystery February 23rd

“On this day in 1997, scientists in Scotland announced they had succeeded in cloning an adult mammal, producing a lamb named “Dolly”. Human cloning has still not been made legal yet; although I was reading the cover of a magazine at the grocery checkout yesterday and it said Elvis was alive and well and pumping gas at a Chevron in New Jersey…so, you never know do you?”

Today in Hystery February 22nd

“On this day in 1903, due to a drought, the U.S. side of Niagara Falls ran short of water. That would not be good luck for honeymooners would it, to be photographed standing next to Niagara Trickles?”

Today in Hystery February 21st

“On this day in 1988, televangelist Jimmy Swaggert confessed his sins on television. Reverend Jimmy had been with prostitutes. His church immediately ordered him to be defrocked, but, of course, that’s where all his problems began didn’t they?”

Today in Hystery February 20th

“On this day in 1959, the Avro Arrow program, to design and manufacture supersonic jet fighters in Canada, was cancelled by Prime Minister John Diefenbaker. It would have been the state of the art jet fighter on the planet, built by Canadians, but, oh no, we had to continue on as the beer and hockey capital of the world.”

Today in Hystery February 19th

“On this day in 1878, Thomas Alva Edison patented the gramophone, which became the phonograph, which became the record player, which became extinct.”

Today in Hystery February 18th

“On this day in 1954, the first Church of Scientology was established in Los Angeles, California. It was started by L. Ron Hubbard, a guy who wrote science fiction novels and got his doctorate from Sequoia University…by mail order. One of their devotees was singer and mayor of Palm Springs, Sonny Bono, but, he was audited by a ski hill tree. The current director, by the way, is 31 year old David Miscavige who is so obsessed with security that he likes to shoot photos of his perceived enemies with a .45 automatic. Hey! Where do I sign up to join this esteemed organization?”

Today in Hystery February 17th

“On this day in 1776, the first volume of Gibbon’s “Decline & Fall of Roman Empire” was published. There was great excitement and thousands read the first volume called “The Decline” but when they got to the end of the book, they all cried, “Oh, come on! There’s a sequel??

Today in Hystery February 16th

“On this day in 600, Pope Gregory the Great put out a decree saying “God bless you” was the correct response to a sneeze. Seriously! That was in Italy, but there was another philosophy on sneeze responses in Germany where the Emperor ordered that the proper response to a sneeze was “Gesundheit!” Funny thing; the Pope was so admant that sneezes in public be responded to properly, but on farts, he was silent.”

Today in Hystery February 15th

“On this day in 1965, Beatle John Lennon passed his driving test. He almost failed, probably because he kept saying to the examiner, “Imagine no speed limits. I wonder if you can”

Today in Hystery February 14th

“On this day in 469, Pope Gelasius the First established the annual celebration of Saint Valentine’s Day, the day we send a card and flowers to the one we love. There is no mention of who Pope Gelasius sent the card and flowers to.”

Today in Hystery February 13th

“On this day in 1692, the MacDonald clan of Scotland were murdered on the orders of King William the Third of England, all because they didn’t pledge allegiance to the new king. But, holy cow, did they ever get revenge; Macdonald’s is the world’s largest chain of fast food restaurants in the world and Macdonald’s Tobacco Company, for many decades, was the number one cigarette manufacturer in Canada. If that isn’t revenge, I don’t know what is.”

Today in Hystery February 12th

“On this day in 1999, U. S. President Bill Clinton was acquitted by the United States Senate in his impeachment trial. Nevertheless, it still left a stain on his presidency.”

Today in Hystery February 11th

“On this day in 1752, the first hospital in the United States, opened; Pennsylvania Hospital. For payment they took Mastercarp (fish) VISA (Visually interesting Sioux Artifacts) and AMEX (All Materials Except Xylophones).”

Today in Hystery February 10th

“On this day in 1929, Monsignor Stephen Alencastre, dedicated the beautiful Romanesque
Church of Saint Patrick in Honolulu. It would have been to commemorate the day that Saint Patrick drove all the consonants out of Hawaii.”

Today in Hystery February 9th

“On this day in 1863, the fire extinguisher was patented by Alanson Crane. Two problems have always existed with fire extinguishers; in case of a fire, A. Where did we put it? and B. How do you work it? I’m sure Mr. Crane never foresaw those problems.”

Today in Hystery February 8th

“On this day in 1974, Ringo Starr released his hit record “You’re 16″, which drew on his background as a Rhodes Scholar and Mensa Club presidency. This explains the mysterious and thought-provoking lyrics, “You’re 16, you’re beautiful and you’re mine.”

Today in Hystery February 7th

“On this day in 1882, the last bare knuckle American champion fighter, John L Sullivan, knocked out Paddy Ryan. After that, bare knuckle fighters disappeared…or did they? I wonder how John L. Sullivan would do on skates with a hockey stick. I’m thinking he’d find a roster spot in the NHL.”

Today in Hystery February 6th

“On this day in 1837, the first play was performed in Ottawa, Ontario, which, back then, was called Bytown. The play was put on by soldiers of the British garrison. That garrison is now the site of the modern day parliament buildings. The play they performed was called “The Village Lawyer”. It was a hilarious comedy performed by a lot of bad actors, much like what happens in that same spot today.”

Today in Hystery February 5th

“On this day in 1922, Reader’s Digest magazine was first published. I know some people enjoy it but I only have negative feelings about Readers Digest. Maybe it’s because the only time I read it is just before going in for my prostate exam.”

Today in Hystery February 4th

“On this day in 1969, Yasser Arafat took over as chairman of PLO, which he led for over 30 years. In 1990, he was 61 and married a woman of 27. A child was born and, immediately, the PLO claimed responsibility.”

Today in Hystery February 3rd

“If your birthday is February 3rd, you share it with Canadian singer ‘Stompin Tom’ Connors who was born on this day in 1936. Don’t you ever wonder how hockey arenas ever pick the songs they play between whistles? Number one for decades was by the infamous British pedophile Gary Glitter, and now the hottest hockey arena song, “The Hockey Song” is by a guy who became a star singing about a potato. There’s just no predicting is there?”

Today in Hystery February 2nd

“On this day in 1887, in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, the first Groundhog Day was observed. This observance was actually based on ancient German folklore, except in the original, it’s a bear that comes out to see his shadow. I think you can see why the guys in the tall hats, who yank the poor critter out of his cage, switched it to a groundhog.”

Today in Hystery February 1st

   On this day in 1327, teenager Edward the 3rd was crowned the King of England. He was only 14 years old at the time so his first speech was a little awkward, “So, like the chancellor comes up to me and I’m like, what’s goin’ on? And he goes, well the black death is [...]

Today in Hystery January 31st

“On this day in 1950, U.S. President Truman publicly announced the development of the H-bomb. Now, this is a matter that confuses me. We all know about the A-Bomb in 1945, but then, 5 years later, they developed the H-Bomb. What happened to the B, the C, the D, the E, the F…okay, pardon me. We’re all very familiar with the F-Bomb.”

Today in Hystery January 30th

“On this day in 1973, the band KISS played their first concert in New York. Boy! You don’t see shows like that anymore. Oh wait! Yes you do! KISS is still doing concerts and I’ll bet they’re still great, as long as you don’t mind staring at a 62-year old tongue.”

Today in Hystery January 29th

“If your birthday is January 29th, you share it with one of the all-time great comedians, W.C.Fields, who was born on this day in 1880. This guy is hard to beat for funny lines, so I’ll leave you with one of my favourites. He said, “A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.”

Today in Hystery January 28th

“On this day in 1860, Britain formally returned the Mosquito Coast to Nicaragua. Britain also gave them back Lake Piranha, Leech Creek and Tarantula Valley.”

Today in Hystery January 27th

“On this day in 1870, the first sorority in America started up in Indiana. It was the Kappa Alpha Theta. Because they use Greek letters, these societies are modeled after the Greeks. So far, I haven’t noticed any Geek societies starting up, although, God knows, college campuses are full of them. I guess if they started a Geek society, it would be called “Betta Hacka Database”.

Today in Hystery January 26th

“If your birthday is January 26th, you share it with “The Great One”, hockey’s greatest player, Wayne Gretzky, who was born on this day in 1961. You may mock the title, but in Canada, slandering Wayne Gretzky is the only offense left on the books where the death penalty still applies. One bad word and you will be executed by Cement Head Semenko with a large fist to the face.”

Today in Hystery January 25th

“If your birthday is January 25th, you share it with Scotland’s greatest poet, Robert Burns, who was born on this day in 1759. His birthday is celebrated every year on this date by people gathering together, getting hammered on Scotch and eating a sheep’s stomach. The evening of the 25th is absolutely fabulous. The morning of the 26th…not so fabulous.”

Today in Hystery January 24th

“On this day in 1908, General Baden-Powell started the Boy-Scouts. This was a great step forward, not just for boys, but also for old ladies who had never been able to get to the other side of the street.”

Today in Hystery January 23rd

“On this day in 1991, the TV series “Seinfeld” debuted in the U.S. on NBC-TV. Things have changed so much since then. In 1991, there was only one half hour weekly TV show about nothing. Now, they’ve got entire channels that do that.”

Today in Hystery January 22nd

“On this day in 1946, U.S. president Harry Truman set up the Central Intelligence Agency. Oh, to have been a fly on the wall for that meeting. Wait a minute! That was no fly!”

Today in Hystery January 21st

“On this day in 1932, the USSR and Finland ended their non-attack treaty. The negotiations went for days and nights until finally they hammered out the agreement which said, “Okay, we promise to stop not attacking you if you’ll do the same.”

Today in Hystery January 20th

“On this day in 1936, Edward the 8th succeeded his father, King George, as British King. Eleven months later he packed it in, saying he had to abdicate in order to marry the commoner Wallis Simpson, better known as “the woman I love”. Once they got married, he could then spend more time with the Adolph, “the Fuhrer I am fond of.”

Today in Hystery January 19th

“On this day in 1977, the world’s largest crowd, 12.7 million people, showed up for an Indian religious festival, and who was the happiest person at that festival? The guy with the Porta Potty contract.”

Today in Hystery January 18th

“On this day in 1948, Ted Mack’s “Original Amateur Hour” began on television in the United States. For years I thought the “Amateur Hour” was Question Period in the Canadian parliament.”

Today in Hystery January 17th

“On this day in 1976, “I Write the Songs” by Barry Manilow hit #1 on the American record charts, but, of course, Barry Manilow didn’t write it. So much for truth in rock and roll!”

Today in Hystery January 16th

“On this day in 1949, after only 23 performances, night after night at the Ziegfeld Theatre in New York, the “Rape of Lucretia” closed down to the great disappointment of the producers, but to the great relief of Lucretia.”

Today in Hystery January 15th

“On this day in 1870, the donkey was first used as the symbol of the U.S. Democratic Party. Where did this wacky idea come from? Were they all drunk one night when somebody yelled, “Our party should be represented by an ass?”

Today in Hystery January 14th

“If your birthday is January 14th, you share it with CBS news correspondent and “60 Minutes” regular, Andy Rooney, who was born on this day in 1919. Because he did so many 60 Minutes episodes, I’m sure there was one where he said, “Have you ever noticed how some people like to read about which celebrities were born on this day in history? Why can’t they stop doing that?”

Today in Hystery January 13th

“If your birthday is January 13th, you share it with Charles Perrault of France who was born on this day in 1628. You may not recognize the name but Perrault had two jobs; he was a lawyer and…he wrote the Mother Goose Fairy Tales, and now I will let you supply the punch line about the difference between a lawyer’s bill and fairy tales.”

Today in Hystery January 12th

   On this day in 1684, French king Louis the 14th married Madame Maintenon, or, as I like to call her, ‘Mrs. Now’.
   On this day in 1816, the government of France decreed that all members of the Bonaparte family should be sent out of the country forever. Just because one member of the family messed [...]

Today in Hystery January 11th

“If your birthday is January 11th, you share it with one of Canada’s most popular prime ministers, Jean Chretien, who was born on this day in 1934. His mangled phrases have become legendary in Canada. Here’s one of my favourites from the mouth of Jean Chretien, “A proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It’s a proof. A proof is a proof. And when you have a good proof, it’s because it’s proven.”

Today in Hystery January 10th

“On this day in 1920, Canada joined the League of Nations, or the LON. There were 63 teams in the league, although Germany and Japan dropped out in 1933 to start their own league, the League of Nasty Nations (the LONN), which played off against the LON in 1945 for the world championship. Despite the fact they cheated frequently, the LONN lost the championship and their teams were disbanded.”

Today in Hystery January 9th

“On this day in 1975, 600 employees of the Royal Canadian Mint went on strike. They wanted to make more money. The Mint negotiated saying they wanted the employees to make more money. It was tense until the Mint finally agreed that the employees would make more money. In return the employees agreed to make more money.”

Today in Hystery January 8th

“If your birthday is January 8th, you share it with Elvis Presley who was born on this day in 1935. I’m trying to find something about Elvis that you don’t already know. Okay, I found one and they say this is true; Elvis hated the singer Robert Goulet so much, that, while Goulet was singing on TV, Elvis shot the TV set. Goulet was unharmed in the incident.”

Today in Hystery January 7th

“On this day in 1955, TV cameras were first allowed into Canada’s House of Commons. This meant that members of parliament now had to check three things before they walked in, not two; check briefing notes, check speech, check fly.”

Today in Hystery January 6th

“On this day in 1898, the first telephone message from a submerged submarine took place. The call was placed by an engineer named Simon Lake. I believe his message was, “Hey! What’s up? It’s Simon. Yeah. I’m on a submarine! Yeah! We’re getting ready to take off so I thought I’d just give you a call from the submarine. Yeah!”

Today in Hystery January 5th

“On this day in in 1930, Mao Tse-tung wrote his famous book entitled “A Single Spark Can Start a Prairie Fire”. This was followed up by his next literary smash entitled “Always Look Both Ways Before Crossing the Street” and to finish the trilogy, Mao wrote his final volume called “Never Take a Wooden Nickel.”

Today in Hystery January 4th

   On this day in 1642, King Charles the first, along with 400 soldiers attacked the English parliament. It was an unfair fight. The soldiers used their weapons; bows and arrows, swords and battle axes. The parliamentarians used their weapons; jeers, catcalls, procedural votes and general desk thumping. They were slaughtered.
   On this day in [...]

Today in Hystery January 3rd

“On this day in 1977, Apple Computers was incorporated…or should that read Apple Computers was iCorporated?”

Today in Hystery January 2nd

“On this day in 1832, the first curling club in the U.S. opened in Orchard Lake. And with that, they created the first expression that can be used both in sexual relations and in a sport; “Hurry hard!”

Today in Hystery January 1st

“On this day in 1801, the dwarf planet Ceres was discovered by the astronomer Giuseppe Piazzi. It’s amazing to me that, in 1801, he had telescopes that could see the planet, never mind confirm that it was populated by dwarfs.”

Today in Hystery December 31st

“On this day in 1711, the Duke of Marlborough was fired as the English army commander. It doesn’t say here why he was fired but, maybe, when they hired the Duke of Marlborough, they were hoping for a rugged cowboy out on the prairie, on his horse, puffing on a cigarette.”

Today in Hystery December 30th

“On this day in 1731, the first music concert held in the United States took place in Peter Pelham’s great room in Boston. Reviews of the concert said it was the best concert they’d ever seen”

Today in Hystery December 29th

“On this day in 1930, Fred P Newton completed the longest swim ever, 1826 miles. He swam in the Mississippi River from Ford Dam, Minnesota, to New Orleans. Not much was heard from him after that. Perhaps he swam back up the other way and spawned.”

Today in Hystery December 28th

“On this day in 1956, the last Ding Dong School episode played on NBC-TV and all the kids said goodbye to Miss Frances. I never got to see that show, although I definitely spent Junior High at a Ding Dong school.”

Today in Hystery December 27th

“On this day in 1825, the first public railroad using steam locomotives was completed in England. If you look up the first steam trains in England, you’ll find that people travelled in open cars, breathing in steam and smoke and flying cinders from the coal-fired engine. It might have been the fastest way to travel back then, but whoever you went to visit on your arrival must have commented on the fact that you smelled like a campfire.”

Today in Hystery December 26th

“On this day in 1946, the Flamingo Hotel in Las Vegas opened, and, let’s face it, how often in our daily conversations can we say, “It was the start of an era”?”

Today in Hystery December 25th

“On this day in the year 1, the first Christmas was celebrated, according to the calendar-maker Dionysus Exiguus. That date seems rather doubtful, but then, Dionysus’ calendar that year featured different goats for each month. It hung in pretty well every stable.”

Today in Hystery December 24th

“On this day in 1851, a fire devastated the Library of Congress in Washington, destroying 35,000 books. Fires in libraries can be terrible. Like, if the George W. Bush library ever caught fire, they’d lose all those copies of Readers Digest.”

Today in Hystery December 23rd

“On this day in 1690, the English astronomer John Flamsteed observed the planet Uranus without realizing that it was undiscovered. His main problem came afterwards when he kept running up to people and yelling, “I’ve just seen Uranus!”

Today in Hystery December 22nd

“On this day in 1882, the first string of Christmas tree lights was created by…guess who? Thomas Edison. So, now you know who invented Christmas lights and you can help me toast his name. Next up, I want to find out who invented those plastic house icicles and you can help me hunt him down and have him flogged.”

Today in Hystery December 21st

“On this day in 1894, Mackenzie Bowell became the Prime Minister of Canada. The most fortunate thing for all Canadians at the time was that his last name was pronounced the same as toll, not towel. There’s a relief!”

Today in Hystery December 20th

“On this day in 1192, English King Richard the Lionhearted was captured in Vienna. He was on his way back from the Crusades and was trying to sneak through Europe disguised as a lowly pilgrim but he was captured when the Duke of Austria’s men noticed there was a lowly peasant who was wearing giant, flashy king’s rings on his fingers. So, Richard may have had the heart of a lion, but he had the brains of a goldfish.”

Today in Hystery December 19th

   On this day in 1686, Robinson Crusoe left his island after 28 years. Wait a minute! How come we’re celebrating the date of a totally fictitious event? Well, because December 19th is kind of thin on outstanding historical events. For example, I could have told you it was on this day in 1055 that [...]

Today in Hystery December 18th

“On this day in 1947, Pope Pius the 12th published his encyclical “ Optissima Pax”, and for years afterward, we were continually annoyed at supper time when the doorbell would ring and it would be a door-to-door Encyclical salesman.”

Today in Hystery December 17th

“On this day in 1792, the opening of first legislative assembly of Lower Canada took place in Quebec City, and this explains why, still today, Quebecers keep trying to separate from Canada. They started out as ‘Lower’ Canadians.”

Today in Hystery December 16th

“On this day in 1653, the king of England had been executed and Oliver Cromwell was sworn in as English Lord Protector. That’s not an expression you hear anymore, Lord Protector, although, I believe many of the NHL’s best goalies wear Lord Protectors.”

Today in Hystery December 15th

“On this day in 1973, the Pirates of Caribbean ride opened at Disneyland and, suddenly thousands of parents had to answer the question; “Daddy? Are those real pirates?” And Daddy would have said, “No, sweetie. If you want to see real pirates, you’ll have to go and work for a credit card company.”

Today in Hystery December 14th

“On this day in 2008, President George W. Bush made his fourth and final planned trip to Iraq as president and had to duck out of the way or get hit by two shoes thrown at him by an Iraqi journalist. George W. Bush may not have been a great president but he was a world class ducker.”

Today in Hystery December 13th

“On this day in 1903, the Wright Bros made their first flight at Kittyhawk, North Carolina. Little did they know that over a hundred years later, you would have to take off your shoes, unbuckle your belt, take your keys and coins from your pockets, walk through a fully body scanner, raise your arms, have a paddle zap your body, be patted down in your groin by someone you don’t know and then have your computer swabbed with giant Q-tips before you could do what Orville Wright did in 2 minutes and 5 seconds in 1903.”

Today in Hystery December 12th

“On this day in 1899, George F Bryant of Boston patented the wooden golf tee. Here was a godsend. Up until this time, golfers teeing off needed someone to hold the ball, much like a kicker needs in football. Volunteers were very hard to find.”

Today in Hystery December 11th

“On this day in 1901, Guglielmo Marconi sent the first transatlantic radio signal from Cornwall, England to Signal Hill in St. John’s Newfoundland. The signal was the Morse Code letter ‘S’ repeated over and over again. I guess, in Cornwall that constituted an evening of hilarious entertainment.”

Today in Hystery December 10th

“On this day in 1961, one of America’s best known sex therapists, Dr. Ruth, married Fred Westheimer. Boy! Talk about performance anxiety on your wedding night!”

Today in Hystery December 9th

“On this day in 1851, the very first YMCA in North America opened in Montreal. And as they cut the ribbon, the director spoke and said, “Young man! There’s no need to feel down. I said, young man! Pick yourself off the ground!” And the next thing you knew, people were dancing in the street, arms above their heads, forming letters.”

Today in Hystery December 8th

“If your birthday is on December 8th, you share it with singer Sinead O’Connor who is infamous for holding up the Pope’s photo on Saturday Night Live and yelling “Evil!” It was Sinead versus the Pope. In the end, the bald one in the dress won.”

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Today in Hystery December 7th

“On this day in 1941, “a date that will live in infamy”, the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor and the United States joined the Second World War. There is some confusion amongst people who only know a little bit of history, and who thought that it might have been the Irish who attacked Pearl Harbor. That is incorrect. The code words used by the Japanese to indicate the attack was underway were “Tora Tora Tora!”. If the Irish were attacking, it would have been “Toora Loora Loora”.

Today in Hystery December 6th

“On this day in 1745, Bonnie Prince Charlie’s army began retreating to Scotland. They had marched down through England hoping to attack London and take over the country, but when they got to London I’m sure they found the weather much too pleasant and decided to head back to Scotland.”

Today in Hystery December 5th

“On this day in 1929, America’s first nudist organization got started with its first convention. So, I guess you’ve got some questions about that, like where did they put their name tags or how many male members where there, or even how did they maintain eye contact. Sorry, I don’t know.”

Today in Hystery December 4th

“On this day in 1976, Elizabeth Taylor was married for the seventh time, this time to John Warner. I figure listening to her talk in her sleep at night was very entertaining. It probably sounded like role call at the army base.”

Today in Hystery December 3rd

“On this day in 1967, the first human heart transplant was performed in South Africa by Dr. Christian Barnard. These days, they can pretty well transplant anything; kidneys, lungs, faces; although there’s one thing they haven’t tried yet, even though Paul Anka sang about doing it over 50 years ago; they still can’t put your head on my shoulder.”

Today in Hystery December 2nd

“On this day in 1804, in Paris, Napoleon Bonaparte was crowned emperor of France. He even got the Pope to travel from the Vatican to put the crown on his head. Things went well for a while. Then he decided to attack Russia and lost. Then he fought the British at the Battle of Waterloo and lost. Napoleon also suffered from a serious case of hemorrhoids and there are some historians who say he lost at Waterloo because his hemorrhoids were really bothering him. If you believe them, then Napoleon didn’t lose at Waterloo because of a lack of preparation. He lost because of a lack of Preparation H.”

Today in Hystery December 1st

“On this day in 1929, and there are very few bigger anniversaries than this one; the game of Bingo was invented by Edwin S Lowe. It’s quite the game. Amongst many other things, it has created the only time when you’ll hear an old lady swear…when someone else yells, “Bingo!”.

Today in Hystery November 30th

“On this day in 1971, the TV movie “Brian’s Song,” aired for first time in the U.S. I remember that night. I haven’t wept that much since I realized I didn’t own any Google shares.”

IT’S A SNOW JOB

Our first snow of the winter!  I’m always thrilled by the first snowfall.  But there’s a dark side to this seasonal giddiness, and I caught a whiff of it last week on one of the newscasts, as the white stuff was being forecast.  Weatherman says, “Hey, ho boy, we got snow on the way, by [...]

Today in Hystery November 29th

“On this day in 1972, Atari released its first popular video game called “Pong”. Remember that one? They built it into tables in bars and otherwise sane adults ended up screaming and cheering. Then someone invented Pac Man and Donkey Kong and that’s when the Chinese realized they could take-over the world without firing a shot…’cause when the attack comes we’ll all be heads down, staring into little screens, moving the Sims around with our thumbs.”

Today in Hystery November 28th

“On this day in 1893, New Zealand became the first country in the world to allow women to vote in a national election. 78 years later, the government of Switzerland decided to follow suit. It seems that a strict diet of Toblerone can render you stupid.”

Today in Hystery November 27th

“On this day in 1990, Britain’s Conservative Party chose John Major to succeed Margaret Thatcher as party leader. However, history now shows that John Major wasn’t half the man Thatcher was.”

Today in Hystery November 26th

“On this day in 1896, an athletics coach at the University of Chicago created the football huddle. And so another element was added to the rugged man’s game of American football where eleven men wearing tight pants stand with their arms around each other, whispering.”

IT’S NOT A STROKE-IT’S BOTOX

In the last 12 months, I have been asked not once, but twice, whether I would try Botox.  When it happens once, you can allow for error, say a slip of the tongue;  “Linda, when I asked if you’d ever try Botox to help lift your sliding cheeks off of your shoulders, so they stop [...]

Today in Hystery November 25th

“On this day in 1792, the Farmer’s Almanac was first published and it’s still going strong today. Their weather forecasting is a secret, but I was reading my Farmer’s Almanac today and it said you can tell if there’s a cold winter coming by watching male woodpeckers. If they are spotted sharing a tree it means a bad winter is coming, or maybe they’ve just discovered they both enjoy Broadway musicals.”

Today in Hystery November 24th

“On this day in 1963, the first ‘live’ murder on TV took place as Jack Ruby shot Lee Harvey Oswald. Since then there have been many ‘live’ murders on TV, especially the night Jay Leno moved to primetime. That was a death most gruesome!”

Today in Hystery November 23rd

“On this day in 1815, Canada’s first streetlights came on in Montreal. Finally! No more feeling around for your house keys. The streetlights were doomed, though. They were fueled by whale oil, making all of Montreal smell like a giant plate of sushi.”

Today in Hystery November 22nd

“On this day in 1794, the European province of Strasbourg Alsace-Lorraine, prohibited circumcision and the wearing of beards. The governor announced it in the town square as he pointed at different men and shouted, “You! Cut it off! You! Keep it on!”

Today in Hystery November 21st

“If your birthday is November 21st, you share it with the great Frenchman, Voltaire. His occupation is listed as ‘thinker’. I wish that was still an occupation these days, so that the government could send me a big cheque every time I had a thought. I mean, just five minutes a day on the toilet and I’d be a millionaire.”

Today in Hystery November 20th

“On this day in 1966, Men in Zurich voted against allowing women to vote. And just how much sex do you think any of them got when they came home that night?”

Today in Hystery November 19th

“On this day in 1998, the United States House of Representatives Judiciary Committee began impeachment hearings against U.S. President Bill Clinton, and all he did wrong was not have sex with Monica Lewinsky.”

Today in Hystery November 18th

“On this day in 1307, the folk hero of Switzerland, William Tell was forced by a brutal ruler to shoot an apple off his son’s head. You can imagine how nervous he must have been. If that was me I would have said, “Any chance we could use a pumpkin, instead?”

Today in Hystery November 17th

“On this day in 1970, the British newspaper,The Sun, put the first pinup girl on Page Three, giving British men a reason to get themselves up in the morning.”

Today in Hystery November 16th

“On this day in 2000, Bill Clinton became the first U.S. President to visit Vietnam since the end of the Vietnam War. He got off the plane and was greeted by Vietnamese officials who told him that he was the first U.S. president to visit Vietnam since the end of the war in 1973, and Bill Clinton said, “Hold on. They had a war here?”

Today in Hystery November 15th

“On this day in 1849, the very first US poultry show opened in Boston or, as the chickens like to call it, “Death Row.”

Today in Hystery November 14th

“On this day in 1905, Albert Einstein created the quantum theory of light, the idea being that we live in a quantum universe, one built out of tiny, discrete chunks of energy and matter. Einstein never took an IQ test, but you can well imagine he’d be up there with people they call “Idiot Savants”. My desk partner and I, in high school, were very much like that. He was the Savant.”

Today in Hystery November 13th

“On this day in 1789, Benjamin Franklin wrote that famous phrase that every one of us has repeated hundreds of time. “Nothing is certain but death & taxes”. And it’s still true, except that you can now add in one more, “Nothing is certain but death, taxes and Google ruling the world.”

Today in Hystery November 12th

“On this day in 1933, they held an election in Germany and the Nazis received 92% of vote. Wow! That’s more than a landslide. The Nazis absolutely killed the other parties! I mean…they killed the other parties.”

Today in Hystery November 11th

“If your birthday is November 11th, you share it with actor Leonardo DiCaprio who was born on this day in 1974. Leo has shot a lot of big movies, but he’s best remembered as the hood ornament on the Titanic.”

Today in Hystery November 10th

“On this day in 1801, the state of Kentucky outlawed dueling, and thank goodness for that! It was a ghastly way to settle a dispute. Litigation…now that’s civilized!”

I’m Paddling as Fast as I Can

I’ve never read any of those 101…1001…5,000,001 Things to Do Before you Die books.  I find it’s just too much pressure.  I’ll start reading the lists of things; swim with sharks, climb Everest, organize the sock drawer, and they all sound terribly adventurous, and I feel I should do them, but I know I never [...]

Today in Hystery November 9th

“On this day in 1821, the first US pharmacy college held its first classes in Philadelphia. Signing up for the pharmacy courses was pretty simple. You handed your application to the registrar and he told you to come back in about 20 minutes.”

Today in Hystery November 8th

“On this day in 1731, in Philadelphia, Benjamin Franklin opened the first US library. He cut the ribbon and then said very loudly, “Ladies and gentlemen. I am delighted to be here today to officially open…”, and that’s when the entire staff went “Ssshhh!”

Today in Hystery November 7th

“On this day in 1942, the 1st US president to broadcast in a foreign language, Franklin Roosevelt, made a speech in French. Nothing like that has happened since, although when Bill Clinton declared “I did not have sex with that woman…” his tongue was planted firmly in his cheek.”

Today in Hystery November 6th

“On this day in 1917, the Russian Revolution began with capture of the Winter Palace. Before that, two different groups had fought for control of Russia, the Bolsheviks and the Mensheviks. The Mensheviks lost and were very critical of the attack on the Winter Palace. As one Menshevik said, “That is total Bolshevik!”

Today in Hystery November 5th

“On this day in 1955, Jean Beliveau of the Montreal Canadiens scored the second fastest hat trick in NHL history; three goals in 44 seconds. The fastest hat trick was by Bill Mosienko of the Blackhawks. He scored three goals in 21 seconds. The slowest hat trick in the NHL was by Wade Belak of the Toronto Maple Leafs; three goals in 7 years.”

Today in Hystery November 4th

“On this day in 1980, in the U.S. presidential election, Ronald Reagan beat Jimmy Carter in a landslide and became president for eight years. Eight years remembered fondly by many Americans, but only vaguely by President Reagan.”

Today in Hystery November 3rd

“On this day in 1883, the legendary American stage robber Black Bart got away with his last stagecoach robbery. Black Bart was legendary because he left a poem for his victims after he had robbed them, making him the only stagecoach robber in the world to yell, “Hands in the air! I want all your money plus an eight letter word that rhymes with ‘stickup’!”

Today in Hystery November 2nd

“On this day in 1936, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation was formed. Its first TV show back in 1936 was The Royal Canadian Air Farce which stayed on the air for 70 years until the CBC, out of compassion, had all the members of the Air Farce put to sleep.”

Today in Hystery November 1st

“On this day in 1892, the first photo of a woman’s bare breast appeared in National Geographic. Christians were outraged but when it was explained that the woman was a Zulu, they all calmed down. “It was just nature”, they said, “not actually a…woman woman.” Meanwhile 14 year old boys began to show a rising interest in geography.”

CANADIAN IS THE NEW CHEAP

We didn’t make it on to the U.N. Security Council.  This has been consuming my thoughts for days now.  How is it possible that Canada was snubbed by just about the ENTIRE WORLD?  Jiminy Cricket, Canada is one of the most secure places in the universe.  We have armed forces that are always doing more [...]

Today in Hystery October 31st

“On this day in 1938, during the Great Depression, in an effort to try restore investor confidence, the New York Stock Exchange unveiled a fifteen-point program aimed at upgrading protection for the investing public. And how’s that workin’ out for ya?”

Today in Hystery October 30th

“On this day in 1270, the 8th and last Crusade was launched where European armies went to take control of the Middle East away from the Muslims. The Crusades accomplished very little. The military states built up by the Crusaders evaporated not long after they left. They didn’t have spin doctors back then to make a miserable failure seem like good news compared to George W. Bush 700 years later who said “Mission accomplished!”

Today in Hystery October 29th

“On this day in 1967, the Broadway musical “Hair” premiered in New York City. There were things in that show that people had never seen on stage. It had profanity. It had nudity. It had illegal drugs. These days we call that just another night on HBO.”

Today in Hystery October 28th

“If your birthday is October 28th, you share it with singer Wayne Fontana who was born on this day in 1945. He was the lead singer with Wayne Fontana and the Mindbenders who had a big hit in the 60s with “The Game of Love”. He sang with the group for 5 years and then was charged with pouring gasoline on a car and setting it on fire. The authorities held him in jail under the Mental Health Act, proving that he had spent far too much time with the Mindbenders.”

Today in Hystery October 27th

“On this day in 1964, singers Sonny and Cher got married. I was just looking at the photos of the wedding and, you know, right now, Cher doesn’t look a day older! Sonny looks a little stiff.”

I’M NO MR. FIXIT

I will never be a handyman.  The number one reason that I will never be a handyman is the operation.  It’s far too long and painful a procedure to have all your plumbing re-routed, on top of which I think you have to go to some strange foreign country to have it done, like Holland, [...]

Today in Hystery October 26th

“If your birthday is October 26th, you share it with Pat Sajack who was born on this day in 1946. Pat, of course, is the host of TV’s Wheel of Fortune. Pat was born in Chicgo…oops, sorry. Can I buy a vowel, Pat?”

Today in Hystery October 25th

“On this day 1993, it was a significant day in Canadian political history. Prime Minister Kim Campbell’s Progressive Conservatives lost 152 of their 154 seats in the House of Commons. They were left with two seats, or as I like to say, they were reduced to a single breeding pair.”

Today in Hystery October 24th

“On this day in 1929, the first day of the great stock market crash began. They called it “Black Thursday”. Many stockbrokers tried to fly away from their offices but gravity had other plans for them. How we cheered for gravity that day!”

Today in Hystery October 23rd

“On this day in 1867, in Canada, 72 Senators were summoned by Royal Proclamation to serve as the first members of the Canadian Senate. The Canadian Senate, of course, remains the best example of that old advertising pitch, “earn money while you sleep!”

Today in Hystery October 22nd

“On this day in 1969, Beatle Paul McCartney was forced to deny rumours of his death. Remember that? The funny things is, of the four Beatles, he’ll be the one who lives to 110, giving concerts and looking eerily like my grandmother.”

Today in Hystery October 21st

“On this day in 1805, the famous Battle of Trafalgar took place off the southwest coast of Spain. The British fleet, under Admiral Lord Nelson, defeated the French and the Spanish fleets. Unfortunately, Lord Nelson was killed in the battle. Up until that point, the admiral had lost an eye in battle, then he had lost an arm in battle, so, when he died, he wasn’t completely himself.”

Today in Hystery October 20th

“On this day in 1880, the Amsterdam Free University opened. Unbelievable! Every course at the university was free. The downside was the sandwiches in the cafeteria were 3 thousand dollars each.”

Today in Hystery October 19th

“On this day in 1973, Ringo Starr released a single called “Photograph”, proving to the world that some people should never be allowed in recording studios.”

Today in Hystery October 18th

“On this day in 1929, based on a Canadian court challenge, the Judicial Committee of the Privy Council of Great Britain ruled that the word ‘person’ in Section 24 of the British North America Act should also include females. And then these enlightened men went to their local pub and spent the evening telling jokes about Doreen and her enormous knockers.”

Today in Hystery October 17th

“On this day in 1964, the New York Yankees baseball team fired their manager Yogi Berra. Yogi was, at first, shocked when he got the pink slip, saying, “Well, it ain’t over ‘til it’s over…wait a minute. Let me read this letter…okay, it’s over.”

Today in Hystery October 16th

“On this day in 1843, Sir William Rowan came up with the idea of quaternions, a non-commutative extension of complex numbers. This just shows you what can result when you spend too long sitting on the toilet.”

Today in Hystery October 15th

“If your birthday is October 15th, you share it with one of the greatest philosophers of all time, Friedrich Nietzsche. He had a great fondness for metaphors and that’s why I thought we’d shed a little light on his birthday.”

Today in Hystery October 14th

“On this day in 1066, the Battle of Hastings took place in which William the Conqueror and his Norman army beat the English and took over Britain. Not only was it the last time Britain was successfully invaded but it was also the only time an army was victorious composed entirely of men named Norman.”

Today in Hystery October 13th

“On this day in 1843, B’nai B’rith was founded. No matter how long I Google this, I still can’t find the missing vowels from the words “B’nai B’rith”. I guess that’s why it’s a secret society.”

Today in Hystery October 12th

On this day in 1992, the Microwave Observing Project began, seeking alien life forms in the universe. They did receive some early signals, but it just turned out to be the Rush Limbaugh Radio Show.”

Today in Hystery October 11th

“On this day in 1991, televangelist Jimmy Swaggart was seen soliciting a hooker. He defended it by saying his rod and staff needed comforting.”

Today in Hystery October 10th

“On this day in 1957, U.S. President Eisenhower apologized to the finance minister of Ghana, after the finance minister was refused service in a restaurant in Delaware. The president said, “I’m terribly sorry sir, they thought you were a black AMERICAN.”

Today in Hystery October 9th

“On this day in 1953, Conrad Adenauer was elected the Chancellor of West Germany. I used to be confused in my history class because I always thought that Adenauer was the guy who invented Daylight Savings Time.”

Today in Hystery October 8th

“If your birthday is October 8th, you share it with King Zog of Albania who was born on this day in 1895. He was driven out of Albania and eventually moved to France where he became a Muppet character.”

Today in Hystery October 10th

“On this day in 1913, William Stewart Herron discovered oil near Calgary, sparking Alberta’s first oil boom. Herron first noticed gas bubbling out of an old mine shaft in 1911. After that he packed up Granny, Elly May and Jethro and they all headed for Beverly Hills.”

YOU GOT QUESTIONS-I GOT ANSWERS

Time to open up my Colossal Container of Correspondence and answer your burning queries:
Dear Linda,
I’m a compact fluorescent light bulb salesman who is under a great deal of pressure.  Do you think it’s right that the HST is applied to my weekly visits to Helga’s Holistic Hands of Pleasure Massage and Whip Therapy?  With that [...]

Today in Hystery October 6th

“On this day in 1996, the first debate in the U.S. federal election took place between Bob Dole for the Republicans and Bill Clinton for the Democrats. It was a hands-down win for Clinton, mainly because Bob Dole didn’t make women want to run a hot bath after watching him debate.”

Today in Hystery October 5th

“On this day in 1984, astronaut Marc Garneau became first Canadian in space aboard the Space Shuttle. Garneau later became a member of Canada’s parliament and felt right at home among so many other space cadets.”

Today in Hystery October 4th

“On this day in 1873, the Toronto Argonauts Football Club was founded, making it the oldest football club in North America. I was at one of their home games recently and I paid $8 for a can of, what tasted like, the oldest beer in North America.”

JOAQUIN & I ARE THROUGH!

I feel like a chump.  And by that I mean I feel like I’ve been duped, tricked, hoodwinked even.  Yes, I can say without any fear of contradiction that my hood has definitely been winked!  And it was winked by none other than Joaquin Phoenix!  This is not the first time in my life I’ve [...]

Today in Hystery October 3rd

“On this day in 1945, Elvis Presley had his first public performance. That’s right, he was ten years old. His teacher suggested he perform at the Mississippi-Alabama Fair and Dairy Show. He stood on a chair and sang “Old Shep”. He came in 5th and won 5 dollars. He would have come in first but they only showed him from the waist up.”

Today in Hystery October 2nd

“On this day 1871, Brigham Young, the Mormon leader, was arrested for bigamy. He was upset, obviously. He said, “You mean I only get to have one wife? Okay then, I’ll take Thursday.”

Today in Hystery October 1st

“On this day in 1843, “News of the World” began publication in London England. I believe the headline on their first publication read “Half Man Half Crocodile marries 600 pound Alien Woman. First Litter Due Any Day Now.”

THE BODY OF AN ATHLETE-A SUMO WRESTLER!

I finally did it.  I joined a fitness centre.  The Speed Skating Oval in Richmond.  If you haven’t seen it since the Olympics, you should. It’s spectacular. You might see me there, walking back and forth through all the latest, state of the art machines.  And therein lays my biggest problem.  I expect to see the weight [...]

Today in Hystery September 30th

“On this day in 1978, the great TV ventriloquist Edgar Bergen died at the age of 75. His dummy, Charlie McCarthy, lived another ten years although his act was reduced to just lying on a box and not saying anything.”

Today in Hystery September 29th

“On this day 1916, John D. Rockefeller became the first ‘billionaire’. These days, they’re a dime a dozen, they make their money on the internet before they can shave and only after achieving their first billion do they finally feel the urge to move out of their parents’ basement.”

Today in Hystery September 28th

   On this day in 1542, the Spanish explorer, Juan Rodriguez Cabrillo discovered California when he landed at San Diego. It must have been an exciting moment for him writing in his ship’s log. All the explorers wrote ship’s logs, although, just like ‘web logs’ became ‘blogs’, ships logs became ‘shlogs’. You would think that [...]

Today in Hystery September 27th

“On this day in 1968, the musical “Hair” opened in London. Thousands of Britons were shocked by the profanity, the drugs and the nudity. This was because, as you know, British people hardly ever have sex. To the British, foreplay is six words, “Lie back and think of England”.

Today in Hystery September 26th

“On this day in 1887, a man named Emile Berliner patented the Gramophone. It didn’t catch on for quite a while because people thought it was just a phone for contacting your grandmother, and she was useless with new gadgets anyway.”

Today in Hystery September 25th

“On this day in 1885, in Battleford Saskatchewan, the Indian chief Kapapamahchakwew was tried for treason and sentenced to hang for involvement in North West Rebellion. He was also charged with public endangerment because his name was blocking the doors to the court house.”

Today in Hystery September 24th

“On this day in 1890, the president of the Mormon Church in Salt Lake City issued a manifesto ordering members that polygamy should be abandoned. Thousands of Mormon men were then forced to call all their wives into a room and pick one. Can you imagine the looks these guys got?”

Today in Hystery September 23rd

“On this day in 1912, Mack Sennet, who was from Quebec, released his first “Keystone Cops” movie. Not only did it set a record for box office comedies, it provided a model for every police department in the state of Alabama.”

Today in Hystery September 22nd

“On this day in 1583, the ship ‘Golden Hind’ landed in England with the sole survivors of the Humphrey Gilbert expedition to Newfoundland. Because of this brave rescue, the Golden Hind became a mystical ship making many Englishmen want to come and kiss her for good luck, which began the ancient saying, “You can kiss my Golden Hind!”

Today in Hystery September 21st

“On this day in 1814, “The Star Spangled Banner” was first published as poem. I’m sure it was not that exciting to read it, compared to, I dunno, let’s say Roseanne Barr bursting everyone’s eardrums at a Padres game in 1990. There’s a YouTube of that. But make sure your dog is out of the room. That sound can kill small animals.”

Today in Hystery September 17th

“On this day in 1819, the first whaling ship arrived in Hawaii. Hunting whales in Hawaii was banned many years ago. Today, there are hundreds of whales in Hawaii, some in the ocean, most on the beaches.”

Today in Hystery September 20th

“On this day in 1972, British police found cannabis growing on the farm of Paul and Linda McCartney. Where were the McCartneys at that moment? I’m guessing “Band on the Run”.

Today in Hystery September 19th

“On this day in 1991, the mummified body of Otzi the Iceman was discovered by some tourists in the Alps. Otzi was 5300 years old, and appeared to have died from some sort of shock. Perhaps that explained the mummified lottery ticket he was gripping in his hand.”

Mind the Elk

“Rule Number Two; if you come across a bull elk rubbing its antlers against a tree, do not laugh! After all, if someone came across you in the woods, rubbing your protrusions against a tree, you would not enjoy hearing laughter.”

Today in Hystery September 18th

“On this day in 1838, in the United States, the Anti-Corn Law League was established. This was a law, obviously, to cut down on the amount of corny jokes being told in the U.S. at that time, for example; two cannibals are eating a clown and one cannibal says; “Does this taste funny to you?” You can see why the league was formed.”

TOILET BOWLS TO ASTEROIDS-WE GOT TROUBLES

I have a lot of worries at the moment.  First of all, I’m extremely worried that I may not be getting my toilet bowl as clean as it could be.  I see the commercial on TV almost every day, showing the actual live animation of the many disgusting varieties of nasty germs I’m missing with [...]

Today in Hystery September 16th

“On this day in 1973, The Buffalo Bills of the NFL beat the New England Patriots 31-13 mostly due to the 250 yard record-setting rushes of OJ Simpson. Yes, for all you kids out there who don’t remember; OJ Simpson didn’t always race around in a white Bronco.”

Today in Hystery September 15th

“On this day in 1656, England and France signed a peace treaty. Of course, from 1066 on England and France fought each other 21 times. That’s why this peace treaty and all the others ended with the words, “yadda yadda, blah blah blah”

Dragnuts – Episode 13 Preview

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Dragnuts – Episode 12 Preview

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Dragnuts – Episode 11 Preview

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Dragnuts – Episode 10 Preview

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Dragnuts – Episode 9 Preview

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Dragnuts – Episode 8 Preview

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Dragnuts – Episode 7 Preview

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Dragnuts – Episode 6 Preview

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Dragnuts – Episode 5 Preview

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Dragnuts – Episode 4 Preview

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Dragnuts – Episode 3 Preview

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Today in Hystery September 14th

“On this day in 1956, the first frontal lobotomy operation was performed in Washington, D.C. which makes me wonder why more politicians don’t have it done today.”

Today in Hystery September 13th

“On this day in 1759, the famous Battle of the Plains of Abraham occurred near Quebec City, the British beating the French for control of Canada. The British general, Wolfe, died and the French general, Montcalm, also died. This is why, today, the people of Quebec don’t completely trust the Anglo politicians, believing that every one of them is just a Wolfe in Montcalm’s clothing.”

Today in Hystery September 12th

“On this day in 1759, British soldiers captured the town of Quebec. You won’t see this being celebrated in Quebec these days. It’s ranked on the Quebec list of annual celebrations, just behind the E. Coli Festival.”

Today in Hystery September 11th

“On this day in 1970, the Ford Pinto was introduced. This would be the car that exploded in a fireball when someone hit your rear bumper. I guess on that day at the Ford plant, quality was Job Two.”

Today in Hystery September 10th

“On this day in 1945, Mike the Headless Chicken was decapitated but lived for 18 months without a head. You can Google it. Mike spent 18 months running around like…I believe you know the punch line.”

Today in Hystery September 9th

“On this day in 1895, the American Bowling Congress was formed. Why bowlers needed their own congress is beyond me, but their first resolution was to determine whether five pin bowlers were equal to ten pin bowlers. As usual, you get a bunch of men, form a congress and they start arguing over who has the biggest balls.”

Today in Hystery September 8th

“On this day in 1977, Interpol began issuing their warning about video piracy which viewers saw before their movie began. This is now the second most-ignored warning in the world next to “Do not turn on cell phones until the aircraft has come to a complete stop in front of the terminal”

Today in Hystery September 7th

“On this day in 1930, R.B. Bennett became the prime minister of Canada. Lucky guy! Getting to be PM of Canada during the Great Depression is about as useful as being Mel Gibson’s publicist.”

AN OLD TECHNOLOGY HISTORY LESSON

This is a shock to the system, not unlike seeing Stephen Harper trying to dance with the Inuit, it leaves you feeling unhinged, disconnected from humanity, not to mention a tad queasy.

Today in Hystery September 6th

“On this day in 1909, word was received that, five months earlier, Admiral Peary had discovered the North Pole. His brief message read; “Have discovered the North Pole. The factory takes up many acres and toys seem to be everywhere, but no sign of elves. Killed a reindeer because the men were starving. It had a very red nose. That’s all to report at this point. Peary, over and out.”

Today in Hystery September 5th

“On this day in 1975, Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme attempted to assassinate President Gerald Ford in Sacramento. President Ford was saved because Lynette made a lot of noise as she was sneaking up on him. A little shot of WD40 and we could have lost another president.”

Today in Hystery August 30th

“On this day in 1888, Lord Walsingham of Norfolk County, England, shot 1,070 grouse in a single day. Thanks to the “Psychic Network”, we can now report that after his death, Lord Walsingham was reincarnated as a free range chicken that became Colonel Sander’s first bucket of crispy fried chicken, after being chased around a yard for ten minutes before being beheaded. This is called Karma.”

Today in Hystery September 4th

“On this day in 1988, boxer Mike Tyson crashed his silver BMW into a tree in New York. Similar to the Tiger Woods incident, except that Mike Tyson wasn’t being chased by a woman with a nine-iron.”

Today in Hystery September 3rd

“On this day in 1891, cotton pickers in the U.S. south organized their own union, or, as Republicans today like to say. “The whole mess started started with that cotton’ pickin’ union.”

Today in Hystery September 2nd

“On this day in 1864, in Charlottetown PEI, Canada, John A. Macdonald and George-Étienne Cartier pronounced themselves in favour of a ‘great confederation of all the colonies”. After which Macdonald immediately announced, “Dos cervezas, por favor!”

Today in Hystery September 1st

“On this day in 1858, the first Transatlantic Cable failed after only one month in service. The owners immediately tried the Transatlantic Cable Help Line. They explained that the cable had gone dead. The Transatlantic Cable technician asked them to locate the On/Off button and make sure the cable was turned on. The owners said yes. The technician then told them to re-boot the Transatlantic Cable and, if that failed, to bring it in for service at their local Transatlantic Cable Dealer. The owners hung up. Decided to switch to a Mac.”

Today in Hystery August 31st

“On this day in 1988, the first day of a 5 day blackout began in Seattle. The worst hit during the power outage was all the Starbucks stores which were forced to sell $4 glasses of No Fat, Decaf, Extra Cold Water.”

Today in Hystery August 29th

“On this day in 1261, Jacques Pantaleon was elected as Pope Urban. The reason he was called Urban was that he was an urban, city kind of guy, a metrosexual if you like, who felt confident enough with his male sexuality to spend the rest of his life in a dress.”

Today in Hystery August 28th

“On this day in 1997, at a Belgian amusement park, people on one of the rides were stuck upside down for 90 minutes, which inspired the big hit song that year, “It’s Raining Franks”

Today in Hystery August 27th

“If your birthday is August 27th, you share it with Paul Reubens, AKA Pee-Wee Herman who was born on this day in 1952. If you’re looking for gift ideas for Pee-Wee, I’d stay away from movie passes.”

Today in Hystery August 26th

“On this day in 1545, Pope Paul the Third named his son, Pierluigi Farnese, the Duke of Parma, and I know what your first question is; a Pope had a son? What about celibacy? What about being married to the church? Well, as it turns out, over the centuries, the Pope’s ring wasn’t the only thing that has been kissed.”

Today in Hystery August 25th

“On this day in 1785, the first issue of the Montreal Gazette was published. The Gazette is now the oldest newspaper still in existence in Canada. People at the time were upset with the arrival of this new media. The Town Crier’s Union declared that unless something was done, this would mean the end of town criers. There was also a popular folk song at the time called “Newspaper Killed the Town Crier Star”. It was a very catchy tune.”

Today in Hystery August 24th

“On this day in 1940, the Luftwaffe began bombing London, England. The English were not afraid, believing they were being attacked by “Love Waffles”. As a result, they never surrendered.”

LONG FORM CENSUS SENSE

My Mother is one of those outraged octogenarians. The other day she said, “I am just outraged about this long form census. It’s none of their GD business how many bedrooms I have…by the way, what’s a long form census?”

Today in Hystery August 23rd

“On this day in 1950, West Germany and Japan were re-admitted to the International World Athletic Federation, proving that, even after you’ve attempted world domination by obliterating millions of people, it only takes 5 years to be forgiven and allowed to get back into the fun of track meets. Hello, Taliban! Are you listening?

Today in Hystery August 22nd

“On this day in 1989, astronomers discovered the first complete ring around the planet Neptune. This raises the question; are their rings around Uranus? Only if you don’t shower regularly.”

Today in Hystery August 21st

“On this day in 1959, Hawaii became the 50th U.S. state. The Americans discussed making Canada the next state, but decided against it when they realized they already had enough places where the temperature hit -30.”

Today in Hystery August 20th

“On this day in 1896, the dial telephone was patented. I’m guessing the royalty money has slowed down to a trickle.”

Today in Hystery August 19th

“On this day in 1919, and this one’ll get you, Afghanistan gained its independence from Britain. So, I guess the question we should be asking is; “So, how’s that working for you so far?”

Today in Hystery August 18th

“On this day in 1962, Peter, Paul and Mary released their first big hit, “If I had a Hammer”. The music business has changed a lot since then. If that song was released by a rap group today, they’d call it, “If I had a Hummer”

Today in Hystery August 17th

“On this day in 1891, the electric self-starter for cars was patented. You all know what they had to do before that, stand in front and crank the engine. It required two people; at the front, the cranker, inside, the crankee, and if the cranker didn’t get it started, the crankee became crankier.”

Today in Hystery August 16th

“On this day in 1898, a man named Edwin Prescott patented the roller coaster. Shortly afterwards, modern science began using the new term “projectile vomit”.

Today in Hystery August 15th

“On this day in 1848, Waldo Hanchett of Syracuse, New York, patented the dental chair, one of the most fearsome weapons of torture every devised. He worked day and night to perfect his dentist’s chair. Every night at dinner, the family would sit down to eat and Mrs. Hanchett would always ask, “Where’s Waldo?”

Today in Hystery August 14th

“On this day in 1893, France issued its first drivers’ license. The man didn’t do well on the written test but passed the driving test with flying colours, making all Frenchmen proud, by giving the finger to every wagon he got stuck behind. He was awarded the Legion of Honour.”

Today in Hystery August 13th

“On this day in 1977, Randy Bachman quit the band ‘Bachman Turner Overdrive’, or BTO. That left the band with only two members; Fred Turner and Dick Overdrive, so they packed it in.”

A BIEBER BIO? OMG!

As I trudge through these dark days of impending global self-destruction, these torturous times of frustrating financial belt tightening, in my lowest most fearful moments, when I’m struggling to cobble together enough money to purchase a desperately needed cream depilatory that is also bio-degradable, I have wondered if the day would ever come when someone would deliver tidings [...]

Today in Hystery August 12th

“On this day in 1492, Christopher Columbus discovered some islands off Africa and they were filled with lovely yellow birds which he enjoyed looking at and running his hands over their smooth little bodies, and so he called the islands “The Canary Islands”. Shortly after that he discovered the “Virgin Islands”.

Today in Hystery August 11th

“On this day in 1979, the temperature in Embarrass, Minnesota reached 28 degrees Fahrenheit. Yes, August 11th!! The temperature got down to -2 degrees Celsius. And you wonder how they named it Embarrass, Minnesota!”

Today in Hystery August 10th

“On this day in 1497, John Cabot returned to England from Newfoundland, and told the king about his trip to ‘Asia. Yes, he lied. He was caught out when the king asked him if he’d brought back any silk. He sheepishly replied, “No your highness, but I’ve got a few boxes of moose jerky you might like.” I don’t believe he was beheaded but he definitely lost his season’s tickets to the Serving Wenches Meat Toss.”

Today in Hystery August 9th

“On this day in 1854, Henry David Thoreau published his book, “Walden Pond” telling of the two years he spent on his own in a tiny cabin in the woods beside Walden Pond. He could never have done it these days. What? Me? Spend an hour without being able to text somebody? I’d go nuts.”

Today in Hystery August 8th

“On this day in 1974, U.S. President Richard Nixon announced that he would resign from office. He also announced that he was not a crook. This appeared to be a lie, but, in fact, it was a typo. The script writer had meant to have him say, “I am not a cook”, which would have made him seem like just a nice man who was being kicked out of office because he couldn’t make an omelet.”

Today in Hystery August 7th

“On this day in 1409, the Council of Pisa closed after trying to get rid of one Pope and select another. The results were unclear because no one knew which way the Council of Pisa was leaning.”

Today in Hystery August 6th

“On this day in 1661, Holland sold Brazil to Portugal for 8 million guilders. This was the biggest off season deal Holland made that year. Brazil was a superstar, but Holland needed to off-load them because, being in the Colonial League, there was a salary cap and the Dutch were already three countries over their Colonial Masters limit, so they sold Brazil. In return, they got a couple of future prospects in the Virgin Islands and Taiwan.”

Today in Hystery August 5th

“On this day in 1763, in western Pennsylvania, the British won the Battle of Bushy Run by beating the Indian chief Pontiac. It was the first time that anyone had seen a Pontiac in reverse.”

WHY DON’T WE LIKE CONRAD BLACK?

People don’t like Lord and Lady Black because they talk exactly like Mr. & Mrs. Howell from Gilligan’s Island. You know, that strange nasal fake toffee-nosed English accent that a person puts on to sound like they went to Harvard, when they really went to Mr. Ed’s Beautician College .

Today in Hystery August 4th

“On this day in 1954, the government of Pakistan approved a new national anthem that summed up everything the government in Pakistan stood for and they called it “Death to the American Imperialists, May Missiles reign down on India and Welcome home all Terrorists!” sung to the tune of “Woolly Bully”.

Today in Hystery August 3rd

“On this day 1985 mail service returned to a nudist colony in Paradise Lake, Florida. Residents promised that they’d wear clothes or stay out of sight when the mailperson came to deliver. I guess the mailmen got upset looking at those big flabby breasts, and some of the women didn’t look great either.”

Today in Hystery August 2nd

“On this day in 1819, the first parachute jump took place in the United States. There is no official record of where it took place, maybe off a cliff. The parachute didn’t catch on for quite a while after that. I mean, it was 1819! They seemed to be missing an important ingredient.”

Today in Hystery August 1st

“On this day in 1969, the largest hailstones ever recorded, 2 ¾ inches in diameter, fell on Ottawa. The Conservative opposition in Parliament urged Pierre Trudeau to take a walk in the hail.”

Today in Hystery July 31st

“On this day in 1741, the explorer Vitus Bering, who was working for the Russians, landed in what is now Alaska. I don’t know if he stuck his flag anywhere, but he looked through his telescope and yelled,”Sarah Palin! I can see her house from here!”

Today in Hystery July 30th

“On this day in 1974, the Quebec National Assembly passed Bill 22, making French the official language of Quebec. Thank goodness they did, too, otherwise, today, you’d have people in Montreal leaving work on Fridays saying, “Okay, bon weekend!”

Today in Hystery July 29th

“On this day in 1928, Walt Disney’s first cartoon called “Steamboat Willy” was released. Now, you young folks out there wouldn’t be too familiar with this one. I imagine most people under 40 probably think Steamboat Willy is some kind of sailor’s disease.”

Today in Hystery July 28th

“On this day in 1896, the City of Miami was incorporated. Miami, by the way, is an old Seminole Indian word meaning, “Old men with brown lizard faces”.

THE NEW KILLER CANADIAN SYMBOL

I had a dozen crucial topics I wanted to cover this week, not the least of which was the mayor of Vancouver caught on tape swearing! I was so shocked, stunned, dismayed, gob smacked, traumatized, I almost dropped my !*#%& thesaurus!!

Today in Hystery July 26th

“On this day in 1664, the Sovereign Council in Quebec fixed commodity and shipping prices and also required price tags on all goods. They also allowed trading posts to say, “Giant Beaver Pelt Blowout. Do not pay ‘til 1665!”

Today in Hystery July 25th

“On this day in 1943, Benito Mussolini, the “Duce of Fascism” was deposed as leader of Italy and thrown in jail. Two years later he tried to escape from Italy but was captured by his countrymen, killed, then hung upside down outside a gas station. And we think we get ticked off with high gas prices.”

Today in Hystery July 24th

“On this day in 1846, the first demonstration in Canada of the telegraph took place at Toronto’s city hall. The message read, “Hey! Wassup?”

Today in Hystery July 23rd

“On this day in 1983, an Air Canada 767 ran out of fuel and made an emergency landing on an old airstrip in Gimli, Manitoba. Besides great piloting, there was a lot of luck involved in this landing; in his spare time, the captain happened to be a glider pilot, in his past, the first officer had flown out of the old airstrip, and finally, that very day was the annual “Gimli Welcomes Newcomers Day”, meaning that each of the passengers, stepping off the plane, were welcomed by the mayor and presented with plastic Viking helmets and T-shirts that said, “I Yust Go Nuts for Gimli”.

Today in Hystery July 22nd

“On this day in 1948, the people of Newfoundland voted to join Canada. This was a win-win situation for both sides. For Newfoundland, it meant they could share the riches of this vast country. For Canada it meant they finally got a sense of humour.”

Today in Hystery July 21st

“On this day in 1940, the Soviet Union, which was desperate to take over countries that ended in ‘ia’, took over Latvia, Estonia and Lithuania. They had wanted to get Macadamia and take control of the World Nut Cartel, but the Hawaiians beat them to it.”

IT’S QUESTION & ANSWER TIME

Summer is finally upon us, so it seems like a good time to answer a tiny fraction of the thousands of letters I get, asking for advice on how to have a good summer: 
Dear Linda,
I have a 2008, 95 foot, 78 cylinder quad slider Fume Spewer Platinum motor home. Comes complete with 2 car garage [...]

Today in Hystery July 20th

“On this day in 1878, the first telephone was introduced in Hawaii. The difficulty on that first day was that, having only one telephone, there was nobody else to phone, so, really, although this is a great anniversary, the biggest day in Hawaiian telecommunications history was the day the SECOND telephone was introduced in Hawaii.”

Today in Hystery July 19th

“On this day in 1941, during the Battle of Britain, Prime Minister Winston Churchill began his famous “V for Victory” campaign. Churchill had hoped, initially, that the campaign would be called “Kill the Nazis”, but he struggled trying to make the letter ‘K’ with his fingers. People thought he was doing a shadow puppet of a rabbit, so he went with “V for Victory”

Today in Hystery July 18th

“On this day in 1905, the Canadian provinces of Alberta and Saskatchewan came into being. So, happy birthday to Alberta and Saskatchewan! You might want to know where the names of these two provinces came from. The word ‘Alberta’ comes from one of the names of Queen Victoria’s daughter. The word ‘Saskatchewan’ is an old Indian word meaning “Land where no man can leap to his death.”

Today in Hystery July 17th

“On this day in 1976, the 21st Olympics began in Montreal, giving Canadians, among other things the Olympic Stadium, the gift that just kept on giving; tower fires, collapsing roofs, falling slabs of concrete and a final cost of $1.6 billion! It just shows you what the Montreal Mafia can do when they put their minds to it.”

Today in Hystery July 16th

“On this day in 1988, hockey superstar Wayne Gretzky married actress Janet Jones, which became the greatest role she ever played because prior to that she would introduce herself this way, “Hi. I’m Janet Jones. You probably remember me from Police Academy 5?”

Today in Hystery July 15th

“On this day in 1870, the British government transferred to Canada complete control over Hudson’s Bay and all the Northwest Territories. The Canadians replied, “Well, thanks, but we’d been hoping for Bermuda.”

Today in Hystery July 14th

“On this day in 1832, The U.S. government decided to make opium exempt from federal taxes. It’s very similar to Canada where a six pack of donuts is exempt from the HST. The big difference is that a six pack of opium can provide a lot more enjoyment than the donuts.”

AN INCONVENIENT SINGING MOOSE

I am very PRO saving the planet. So of course, I try to do everything we’re supposed to:I throw containers in the blue box, I re-use shopping bags,and as the ultimate example of recycling, I married a man who’s been married before. So I do feel I’m doing my part.

Today in Hystery July 13th

“On this day in 1898, Guglielmo Marconi patented the radio. For many years afterwards, though, other scientists claimed that Marconi had stolen the idea. Can you imagine that? Radio people stealing ideas from each other? What has the world come to?”

Today in Hystery July 12th

“On this day in 1962, the Rolling Stones played their first ‘live’ performance at the Marquis Club in London, and, thanks to walkers, wheelchairs, seeing-eye dogs, hearing aids, portable oxygen tanks and Depends, they are still performing today.”

Al Gore’s Massage Therapy

I see Al Gore has managed to get himself into a bit of a red hot sex scandal.  Apparently, a couple of years ago, a masseuse he had booked to come to his hotel room for some ‘registered massage therapy’ was shocked and terrified as she was working on his stomach muscles, because he started [...]

Today in Hystery July 11th

“On this day in 1946, Canada’s first drive-in movie theatre opened in Hamilton, Ontario. Nine months later, hundreds of babies were born in Hamilton and every baby came out reciting all the lines from “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Coincidence or what?”

Podcast for July 9 2010

It’s the much awaited Double Exposure Radio Summer Quiz! Test your knowledge, and win our eternal admiration.

Today in Hystery July 10th

“On this day in1925, the USSR established its official news agency TASS. TASS stood for “Truth Ain’t So Special”.

Today in Hystery July 9th

“On this day in 1982, Margaret Thatcher began her second term as Britain’s prime minister. To celebrate the occasion, Mrs. Thatcher went to her favourite hair salon, Poofy’s of London, and had her hair inflated to just under 500 pounds of pressure. This caused the Soviet Union to re-think world domination.”

Today in Hystery July 8th

“On this day in 1709, the Battle of Poltava took place with the Russians beating the Swedes. The Swedes lost, apparently, because they just wouldn’t go into the corners (old hockey joke).”

Today in Hystery July 7th

“On this day in 1930, The United States began construction on the Boulder Dam, which was later renamed The Hoover Dam, in honour of one of the greatest vacuum cleaners in history.”

Today in Hystery July 6th

“On this day in 1958, Alaska became the 49th U.S. state. The state held a contest to come up with a slogan. The winners were Sarah Palin’s parents whose winning entry was, “Alaska. You can see Russia from here!”

Today in Hystery July 5th

 
   On this day in 1687, Isaac Newton’s “Principia” was published. Newton, as you’ll remember, was the man who discovered the theory of gravity after an apple fell from a tree and hit him on the head. In Principia, Newton proposed that when humans, like, for example, people like Keith Richards, fell from trees, they [...]

Today in Hystery July 4th

“On this day in 1886, the first scheduled transcontinental train reached the west coast of Canada in Port Moody, B.C. It was late, setting a precedent that has carried on to this day. The engineer apologized for the lateness of the train by saying they were attacked by Indians, hit by a landslide, crashed into a herd of Elk and had to make a few bathroom stops across the prairies, otherwise, they would have been there on time. Same, lame excuses they give you today.”

Today in Hystery July 3rd

   On this day in 1608, the city of Quebec was founded by the explorer Samuel de Champlain, after whom all sorts of things were named; the Champlain Mall, Champlain College, the Champlain Golf Course. It’s even mentioned in the pop song “I Get a Kick out of You” when Sinatra sings “I get no [...]

Today in Hystery July 2nd

“On this day in 1976, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the death penalty; hanging, or the gas chamber, or lethal injections, were not inherently cruel or unusual punishment. Compared to what? Being eaten alive by sharks, or pouring sulphuric acid into your eyes? Now, that would be cruel. Those others? Don’t be a baby!”

Today in Hystery July 1st

“On this day in 1898, during the Spanish-American War, Teddy Roosevelt and his Roughriders charged up San Juan Hill. After the war, his Roughriders settled in Regina, Saskatchewan where they took up football.”

Today in Hystery June 30th

“On this day in 1859, Charles Blondin became the first person to cross Niagara Falls on a tightrope. This event couldn’t happen today, mostly because Homeland Security would never let you go across the border with a twenty foot pole in your hands.”

Today in Hystery June 29th

“On this day in 1613, Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre in London burned down. Police suspected a “play most fowle”.”

Today in Hystery June 28th

“On this day in 1820, the tomato was proven to be non-poisonous. It immediately became legal to eat tomatoes as well as throw them at bad singers, a practice that has, sadly, disappeared.”

Today in Hystery June 27th

“On this day in 1949, Louis St. Laurent led the Liberals to victory in the Canadian Federal election. St. Laurent was affectionately known as “Uncle Louie”, mostly by his nephews, Hewey and Dewey.”

Today in Hystery June 26th

“On this day in 1974, actress Elizabeth Taylor divorced her 5th husband, Richard Burton. When she was asked if there was something that Burton had done to deserve this, Taylor replied, “No, it was just that, like the previous four, he’d reached his ‘Best Before’ date”.”

Today in Hystery June 25th

“On this day in 1672, in Massachusetts, the first Quaker meeting was held. The first item on the agenda was how to make oats that cooked quickly.”

Today in Hystery June 24th

On this day in 1314, the Battle of Bannockburn took place. The Scots beat the English and regained their independence from England. This battle was mostly between the English King Edward the 2nd, or, as he was known back then, “Edward the Cross dresser” because of his secret closet of low scoop-neck [...]

WHAT TO DO WITH MY LOTTERY WINNINGS?

Now, just so you know that I will not selfishly cling to my windfall, I thought I would outline what I’ll be doing with my lucre. First, I’m going to buy Greece, because I like sheep, and I’ll need a vacation home in the sun. Plus, I feel this is a charitable act because they really need the money, and buying all the Greek Islands will still leave me with, I figure roughly 45 mil. Hey, I can probably pick up Hungary in a BOGO sale.

Today in Hystery June 23rd

“On this day in 1969, Warren Burger was sworn in as the U.S. Supreme Court’s Chief Justice. He was such a great Chief Justice that we can safely say, he was the only burger that did Americans any good.”

Today in Hystery June 22nd

“As everyone knows, June 22nd is Yemen’s greatest holiday “Corrective Move Day” where the citizens of Yemen march en masse to orthotics stores and snap up every arch support in the store.”

Today in Hystery June 21st

“June 21st is the first full day of summer in the northern hemisphere and, for all northern hemispherians, the beginning of that easily recognizable Farmer’s Tan.”

Today in Hystery June 20th

“On this day in 1837, Queen Victoria ascended the throne of Britain. She is best remembered by most people as the monarch who said, “We are not amused”. This line was spoken just after she had watched a stand-up comic ask, for the 22nd time, “Anybody here from out of town?”

Today in Hystery June 19th

“On this day in 1983, B.C. Place stadium opened in Vancouver. It was the only stadium in Canada where the roof was held up with hot air, meaning the building had to be continually filled with politicians.”

Today in Hystery June 18th

“On this day in 1812, the aptly named “War of 1812” began as the United States declared war against Britain. Canada was also involved. Great Britain and Canada actually won this war. The Department of Homeland Security, however, will make sure this never happens again, starting with confiscating our tiny shampoo bottles.”

FATHER’S DAY IS JUST THE BEGINNING

The 14th to 20th is Meet a Mate Week, sometimes tragically confused with Mate with Meat Week which takes place in late January in the Scottish Highlands.

Today in Hystery June 17th

“On this day in 1925, Canada signed the League of Nations protocol prohibiting the use of poisonous gas and bacteria in warfare, making war much more humane than ever before.”

Today in Hystery June 16th

“The other thing is that the Battle of Kellogg’s Grove was part of the Black Hawk War, which was eventually won by the Blackhawks by making Dusten Byfulglien stand in front of the enemy’s goalie while they shot at him.”

Today in Hystery June 15th

“On this day in 1215, King John of England signed the Magna Carta on Runnymede Island. Nowhere in English history did one man give so much of what he owned, except, of course, for Paul McCartney’s divorce from Heather Mills.”

Today in Hystery June 14th

“On this day in 1984, Pierre Trudeau said farewell to the Liberal Party in a gala tribute. Liberals felt very honoured when Trudeau waved goodbye to them and, for a change, used all five fingers.”

Today in Hystery June 13th

“On this day in 1900, the Boxer Rebellion began in China. The Boxers rebelled against foreigners. Soon after, the Wrestlers joined the rebellion, led by the fierce Hulk Ho Gan.”

Today in Hystery June 12th

 On this day in 1792, Naval Captain George Vancouver discovered the site of what is now Vancouver, British Columbia. It was the custom in those days that when you discovered a place, it was named after the captain of the ship. Fortunately for Vancouverites, their city wasn’t discovered by Naval Captain Ramsbottom.
      On this day [...]

Today in Hystery June 11th

“On this day in 1947, sugar rationing ended in the United States. Dentists took the day off to celebrate.”

Today in Hystery June 10th

“During the Cold War he built the Diefenbunker, complete with Diefenbathrooms and a Diefenbarfridge.”

TAKE MY CATS…PLEASE!

We’ve had our cat Nelson since he was a baby, and believe me, the breastfeeding was torture.

Today in Hystery June 9th

“In 1915, the Vancouver Millionaires was an NHL team. Today, the Vancouver Millionaires is a place called West Vancouver.”

Today in Hystery June 8th

On this day in 1685, there was a coin shortage in Quebec and soldiers begin being paid with playing cards. Fortunately, these days, you don’t have such ridiculous pieces of paper being used as money, well, except for the euro.
On this day in 1965, the USSR launched Luna 6 which missed the moon completely. [...]

Today in Hystery June 7th

“On this day in 1962, the Queen Mother arrived for a tour of Canada. Hotels were warned to lock down their mini bars.”

Today in Hystery June 6th

On this day in 1844, the YMCA was founded in London. After the ribbon cutting by the local member of parliament, the opening day crowds were entertained by The Village People.
On this day in 1925, Walter Chrysler founded his motor car company the Chrysler Corporation. Just like Henry Ford, who named vehicles after family members [...]

Today in Hystery June 5th

“Security was tight boarding the balloon as authorities were on the lookout for any swarthy people with bows and arrows.”

Today in Hystery June 4th

On this day in 1070, Roquefort Cheese was first made in a cave near Roquefort, France. Since that day, Roquefort (true) can only be made in caves. We must assume, therefore, that Osama bin Laden enjoys a lot of cheese. Too much cheese, of course, can plug you up. I believe CIA strategy is to [...]

Today in Hystery June 3rd

On this day in 1781, Jack Jouett rode to warn Thomas Jefferson of a British attack. Jouett’s ride is not as famous as Paul Revere’s ride where Revere screamed at everybody “The British are coming!” Jouett was yelling “Inform Jefferson, or at least get a missive to him that there’s a combined occupying force [...]

Today in Hystery June 2nd

“The real Visigoths, by the way, were generally a much cheerier people than their modern day counterparts.”

TROUBLE IN DUCHESSLAND

It’s not easy being a ‘royal’.  First, you have to learn how to do that wave. You know the one, where you can’t flap too much or too little, so you must land somewhere in between ‘I’ve slipped into a coma’ and ‘I’m being attacked by killer BEES!’  It’s tricky.  Then you also have to [...]

Today in Hystery June 1st

On this day in 1495, the first written record of ‘Scotch Whiskey’ appears, apparently distilled by Friar John Cor. At his Scottish abbey, he was the lucky one. When they gave each of the monks jobs to do, Friar John was hoping he wouldn’t get ‘writing out in calligraphy everything that had happened in [...]

Today in Hystery May 31st

On this day in 1678, the beautiful Lady Godiva rode bare naked through the streets of Coventry to protest taxes. It didn’t work. Taxes went up, along with a lot of other things.
On this day in 1790, U.S. copyright law was enacted. The first [...]

Today in Hystery May 30th

“He later claimed he didn’t intend to go that fast but when he applied the brakes on his Toyota nothing happened”

This Day in Hystery May 29th

This saying remained true until George W. Bush became president.

Today in Hystery May 28th

On this day in 1533 Henry the 8th’s marriage to Anne Boleyn was declared null and void. She had originally fallen head over heels for Henry who got so excited about marrying her, he started his own church. At the end her head fell over her heels after Henry had her executed by chopping her [...]

Today in Hystery May 27th

On this day in 1968 Pierre Trudeau promised to make French an official language in canada. It was miraculous! Almost immediately, everyone in Quebec began speaking French.

Today in Hystery May 26th

There has never been a more ridiculous war unless you count Jay Leno versus Conan O’Brien

The Queen Ignores Sarah in the Throne Speech

Who do they hire to write these programs? 12 year olds who would rather be playing Warcraft?

Today in Hystery-May 25th

Had the Irish won we would be a very different country today with Bob Geldof as president, Bono as vice president and, quite possible, Conan O’Brien as the Minister of Moping

Today in Hystery May 24th

The Victoria Day weekend in Canada is celebrated with fireworks displays, family barbeques and, on TV, watching two American NHL teams fight it out for the Stanley Cup.

COCKTAIL TALES

I will no longer drink any alcolholic beverage that is the same colour as a Muppet.

Take a Pill

We get so many emails sent to Double Exposure Radio with confused people looking for answers to all of life’s questions. Why they write to us and not to experts is unknown, perhaps it is because we once took the Pink Jeep tour in Sedona and had a vision while standing in the Boynton Canyon [...]

GREAT GARDENING EXPECTATIONS

Last Saturday was my favourite day of the year.  Every year.  Not because it’s a particularly special date, or because it was a Saturday.  For me, I look forward to pretty much every Saturday, because I go to the mall for coffee and muffins with my husband and my Mother, and we spend a good hour, [...]

Things I Don’t Want to Hear Again

I don’t want to hear, ever again, that somebody’s fat finger on a keyboard caused the Dow Jones to plummet a thousand points in ten minutes

THESE IDEAS HAVE GOT TO GO

It’s a Brain Blow Out Column!  Yes, due to a mistake in ordering, my brain is overstocked with a bunch of ideas that we need to clear out TODAY, before the spring shipment arrives! 
BLOWOUT ITEM #1- There was news last week that Tiger Woods admitted to having had sex with 120 women while he was [...]

The Worst Places to Live in Canada?

So, I was scrolling down the list of the ten worst places to live in Canada, and noticed that six of them are right here in Beautiful B.C. This list is published by Money Sense Magazine which most of us never read. Magazines for me, personally, are not interesting. I used to read them years [...]

Whale of a Day in Vancouver

A grey whale was spotted today in downtown Vancouver, casually swimming through False Creek, and within minutes, all sorts of things happened; crowds stood on the shore of Granville Island straining for a view of the whale. The mayor of Vancouver, sensing another environmental moment, immediately ordered the installation of Whale-Only lanes on the Burrard [...]

Terrorists on Broadway

So, they seem to have caught the terrorist who tried to blow up his van in Manhattan. Some said this was a protest against South Park’s infamous episode which featured the prophet Mohammed wearing a bear suit. There are various theories as to why he parked his van exactly there, near Viacom and “The Lion [...]

Who Cares About Politics

           

I was chatting with a very nice fellow the other day and he was congratulating me on my website which features political satire and parody, and was amazed at how I have always been a writer and performer of political satire (which isn’t true, of course. For example I once prepared tasty meals for passengers [...]

TOUCHING MOMENTS AT THE AGO

I’m a touchy feely kind of gal.  And by that I mean, I have always liked to touch and feel things, since, well, really before I can remember. I suspect the kicks my Mother felt in the womb were actually me going “Ohhh, nice texture on this placenta.  Say, this umbilical cord is an excellent [...]

RECYCLING OLD BAGS-PLASTIC AND OTHERWISE

Two topics to cover this week, both concerning things that are old and worn out. The first one has to do with shopping bags. I saw a story on the news the other night, where experts said how terrible these re-usable shopping bags are for the environment when they become old and worn out and [...]

GALS, GIRDLES, AND GIGGLES

So, I was talking to my new BFF Caroline Rhea, you know, ‘Hilda’ on Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and I was saying…oh wait, let me back up just a bit. I was in Toronto last week to take part in The Heart & Stroke Foundation’s The Heart Truth Fashion Show. When I was [...]

Here’s a Job You Might Like

FROM THE CAREEERS PAGE
We have an immediate requirement for a vice regal representative to the head of state for a medium-sized western industrial country in the northern part of North America. This is an exciting and challenging [...]

TAKE MY ADVICE – THE CAT KNOWS

I was about 3 hours into the weekly 8-9 hours of intense research that I do for this column, when Nelson, my introspective cat, plunked himself down on my keyboard, stared at me for a good 5 minutes, and then said;
“I have concerns.”
“Well, I have deadlines, and your back passage on my keyboard does not [...]

Who’s Your Gramma? Not Me!

My step-daughter is delivering a child next month. Of course, we’re all very excited as this is her first. But I am now going through the “What am I going to call myself?” dilemma again.

COOLNESS? IT’S BRED IN THE BONE

It’s not easy being cool…well, for those who aren’t born into it. For those who are, ‘coolness’ is something that happens naturally, without much effort.  People who’ve got it seem to wear it with ease, a confidence in that Popeye the Sailor Man mould, “I am what I am and that’s all that I am,” except, without [...]

I Recalibrate, Therefore, I Are

The federal Conservatives took two months off to ‘recalibrate’. A lot of us don’t actually know what that means. Does it mean they hit a large tuning fork and suddenly Stephen Harper started to vibrate?

The Olympics Are Over! Now What?

This malady was first discovered by doctors at the Ralph Klein University, shortly after the ‘88 Calgary Olympics. It’s called POVBD, or Post Olympic Vacant Brain Syndrome.

American Healthcare 2.0

U.S. President Barack Obama hosted a summit at the Whitehouse last week, trying to get Congress to pass his new, latest healthcare package, now with added lemon, and fortified with Vitamin D and aloe vera.

Vancouver Olympics: Let the Sun Shine!

Oh sure, we could have had more snow up on Cypress, but look at this place. Have you seen the shots on CTV from the broadcast centre? It’s like tourism porn.