On this day in 1840, the Union Act was passed by the British Parliament which created the Province of Canada. On maps at the time, nothing existed west of Ontario, but instead of writing in the usual warning “Here Be Monsters!’ the area west of Ontario was marked with the even scarier, “Here Be Reformers!”
On this day 1904, the ice cream cone was invented in St. Louis by Charles E. Menches. Menches was spurred into action when the customers at his ice cream shop complained that the scoops of ice cream melted too fast in their hands.
On this day in 1950, the Gene Autry show premiered on CBS-TV. There were a lot of cowboys on TV in the 1950s and each had their own unique gift. Gene Autry was “The Singing Cowboy”, the Lone Ranger handed out silver bullets and Hopalong Cassidy chased bandits by hopping after them.
On this day in 1965, the Beatles’ song “Help” was first released. This was a monster world-wide hit, and like all Beatles records was embedded with secret messages. For example, if you played the record in reverse, you could hear Ringo Starr saying “Number One. Number One”, which referred to the fact that Ringo had been playing drums for three hours and was asking for a bathroom break.
On this day in 1983, an Air Canada 767 ran out of fuel and made an emergency landing on an old airstrip in Gimli, Manitoba. Besides great piloting, there was a lot of luck involved in this landing; in his spare time, the captain happened to be a glider pilot, in his past, the first officer had flown out of the old airstrip, and finally, that very day was the annual “Gimli Welcomes Newcomers Day”, meaning that each of the passengers, stepping off the plane, were welcomed by the mayor and presented with plastic Viking helmets and T-shirts that said, “I Yust Go Nuts for Gimli”.
If your birthday is July 23rd, you share it with Haile Selassie, the former Emperor of Ethiopia, who was born on this day in 1892. Selassie believed that he was the reincarnation of Jesus and decided to invade Italy, so besides being Haile Selassie, he was Highly Unstable, and his chances of becoming a Saint in the Roman Catholic Church were Highly Unlikely.
Past Articles
Today in Hystery September 7th
“On this day in 1930, R.B. Bennett became the prime minister of Canada. Lucky guy! Getting to be PM of Canada during the Great Depression is about as useful as being Mel Gibson’s publicist.”
AN OLD TECHNOLOGY HISTORY LESSON
This is a shock to the system, not unlike seeing Stephen Harper trying to dance with the Inuit, it leaves you feeling unhinged, disconnected from humanity, not to mention a tad queasy.
Today in Hystery September 6th
“On this day in 1909, word was received that, five months earlier, Admiral Peary had discovered the North Pole. His brief message read; “Have discovered the North Pole. The factory takes up many acres and toys seem to be everywhere, but no sign of elves. Killed a reindeer because the men were starving. It had a very red nose. That’s all to report at this point. Peary, over and out.”
Today in Hystery September 5th
“On this day in 1975, Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme attempted to assassinate President Gerald Ford in Sacramento. President Ford was saved because Lynette made a lot of noise as she was sneaking up on him. A little shot of WD40 and we could have lost another president.”
Today in Hystery August 30th
“On this day in 1888, Lord Walsingham of Norfolk County, England, shot 1,070 grouse in a single day. Thanks to the “Psychic Network”, we can now report that after his death, Lord Walsingham was reincarnated as a free range chicken that became Colonel Sander’s first bucket of crispy fried chicken, after being chased around a yard for ten minutes before being beheaded. This is called Karma.”
Today in Hystery September 4th
“On this day in 1988, boxer Mike Tyson crashed his silver BMW into a tree in New York. Similar to the Tiger Woods incident, except that Mike Tyson wasn’t being chased by a woman with a nine-iron.”
Today in Hystery September 3rd
“On this day in 1891, cotton pickers in the U.S. south organized their own union, or, as Republicans today like to say. “The whole mess started started with that cotton’ pickin’ union.”
Today in Hystery September 2nd
“On this day in 1864, in Charlottetown PEI, Canada, John A. Macdonald and George-Étienne Cartier pronounced themselves in favour of a ‘great confederation of all the colonies”. After which Macdonald immediately announced, “Dos cervezas, por favor!”
Today in Hystery September 1st
“On this day in 1858, the first Transatlantic Cable failed after only one month in service. The owners immediately tried the Transatlantic Cable Help Line. They explained that the cable had gone dead. The Transatlantic Cable technician asked them to locate the On/Off button and make sure the cable was turned on. The owners said yes. The technician then told them to re-boot the Transatlantic Cable and, if that failed, to bring it in for service at their local Transatlantic Cable Dealer. The owners hung up. Decided to switch to a Mac.”
Today in Hystery August 31st
“On this day in 1988, the first day of a 5 day blackout began in Seattle. The worst hit during the power outage was all the Starbucks stores which were forced to sell $4 glasses of No Fat, Decaf, Extra Cold Water.”
Today in Hystery August 29th
“On this day in 1261, Jacques Pantaleon was elected as Pope Urban. The reason he was called Urban was that he was an urban, city kind of guy, a metrosexual if you like, who felt confident enough with his male sexuality to spend the rest of his life in a dress.”
Today in Hystery August 28th
“On this day in 1997, at a Belgian amusement park, people on one of the rides were stuck upside down for 90 minutes, which inspired the big hit song that year, “It’s Raining Franks”
Today in Hystery August 27th
“If your birthday is August 27th, you share it with Paul Reubens, AKA Pee-Wee Herman who was born on this day in 1952. If you’re looking for gift ideas for Pee-Wee, I’d stay away from movie passes.”
Today in Hystery August 26th
“On this day in 1545, Pope Paul the Third named his son, Pierluigi Farnese, the Duke of Parma, and I know what your first question is; a Pope had a son? What about celibacy? What about being married to the church? Well, as it turns out, over the centuries, the Pope’s ring wasn’t the only thing that has been kissed.”
Today in Hystery August 25th
“On this day in 1785, the first issue of the Montreal Gazette was published. The Gazette is now the oldest newspaper still in existence in Canada. People at the time were upset with the arrival of this new media. The Town Crier’s Union declared that unless something was done, this would mean the end of town criers. There was also a popular folk song at the time called “Newspaper Killed the Town Crier Star”. It was a very catchy tune.”
Today in Hystery August 24th
“On this day in 1940, the Luftwaffe began bombing London, England. The English were not afraid, believing they were being attacked by “Love Waffles”. As a result, they never surrendered.”
LONG FORM CENSUS SENSE
My Mother is one of those outraged octogenarians. The other day she said, “I am just outraged about this long form census. It’s none of their GD business how many bedrooms I have…by the way, what’s a long form census?”
Today in Hystery August 23rd
“On this day in 1950, West Germany and Japan were re-admitted to the International World Athletic Federation, proving that, even after you’ve attempted world domination by obliterating millions of people, it only takes 5 years to be forgiven and allowed to get back into the fun of track meets. Hello, Taliban! Are you listening?
Today in Hystery August 22nd
“On this day in 1989, astronomers discovered the first complete ring around the planet Neptune. This raises the question; are their rings around Uranus? Only if you don’t shower regularly.”
Today in Hystery August 21st
“On this day in 1959, Hawaii became the 50th U.S. state. The Americans discussed making Canada the next state, but decided against it when they realized they already had enough places where the temperature hit -30.”
Today in Hystery August 20th
“On this day in 1896, the dial telephone was patented. I’m guessing the royalty money has slowed down to a trickle.”
Today in Hystery August 19th
“On this day in 1919, and this one’ll get you, Afghanistan gained its independence from Britain. So, I guess the question we should be asking is; “So, how’s that working for you so far?”
Today in Hystery August 18th
“On this day in 1962, Peter, Paul and Mary released their first big hit, “If I had a Hammer”. The music business has changed a lot since then. If that song was released by a rap group today, they’d call it, “If I had a Hummer”
Today in Hystery August 17th
“On this day in 1891, the electric self-starter for cars was patented. You all know what they had to do before that, stand in front and crank the engine. It required two people; at the front, the cranker, inside, the crankee, and if the cranker didn’t get it started, the crankee became crankier.”
Today in Hystery August 16th
“On this day in 1898, a man named Edwin Prescott patented the roller coaster. Shortly afterwards, modern science began using the new term “projectile vomit”.
Today in Hystery August 15th
“On this day in 1848, Waldo Hanchett of Syracuse, New York, patented the dental chair, one of the most fearsome weapons of torture every devised. He worked day and night to perfect his dentist’s chair. Every night at dinner, the family would sit down to eat and Mrs. Hanchett would always ask, “Where’s Waldo?”
Today in Hystery August 14th
“On this day in 1893, France issued its first drivers’ license. The man didn’t do well on the written test but passed the driving test with flying colours, making all Frenchmen proud, by giving the finger to every wagon he got stuck behind. He was awarded the Legion of Honour.”
Today in Hystery August 13th
“On this day in 1977, Randy Bachman quit the band ‘Bachman Turner Overdrive’, or BTO. That left the band with only two members; Fred Turner and Dick Overdrive, so they packed it in.”
A BIEBER BIO? OMG!
As I trudge through these dark days of impending global self-destruction, these torturous times of frustrating financial belt tightening, in my lowest most fearful moments, when I’m struggling to cobble together enough money to purchase a desperately needed cream depilatory that is also bio-degradable, I have wondered if the day would ever come when someone would deliver tidings [...]
Today in Hystery August 12th
“On this day in 1492, Christopher Columbus discovered some islands off Africa and they were filled with lovely yellow birds which he enjoyed looking at and running his hands over their smooth little bodies, and so he called the islands “The Canary Islands”. Shortly after that he discovered the “Virgin Islands”.
Today in Hystery August 11th
“On this day in 1979, the temperature in Embarrass, Minnesota reached 28 degrees Fahrenheit. Yes, August 11th!! The temperature got down to -2 degrees Celsius. And you wonder how they named it Embarrass, Minnesota!”
Today in Hystery August 10th
“On this day in 1497, John Cabot returned to England from Newfoundland, and told the king about his trip to ‘Asia. Yes, he lied. He was caught out when the king asked him if he’d brought back any silk. He sheepishly replied, “No your highness, but I’ve got a few boxes of moose jerky you might like.” I don’t believe he was beheaded but he definitely lost his season’s tickets to the Serving Wenches Meat Toss.”
Today in Hystery August 9th
“On this day in 1854, Henry David Thoreau published his book, “Walden Pond” telling of the two years he spent on his own in a tiny cabin in the woods beside Walden Pond. He could never have done it these days. What? Me? Spend an hour without being able to text somebody? I’d go nuts.”
Today in Hystery August 8th
“On this day in 1974, U.S. President Richard Nixon announced that he would resign from office. He also announced that he was not a crook. This appeared to be a lie, but, in fact, it was a typo. The script writer had meant to have him say, “I am not a cook”, which would have made him seem like just a nice man who was being kicked out of office because he couldn’t make an omelet.”
Today in Hystery August 7th
“On this day in 1409, the Council of Pisa closed after trying to get rid of one Pope and select another. The results were unclear because no one knew which way the Council of Pisa was leaning.”
Today in Hystery August 6th
“On this day in 1661, Holland sold Brazil to Portugal for 8 million guilders. This was the biggest off season deal Holland made that year. Brazil was a superstar, but Holland needed to off-load them because, being in the Colonial League, there was a salary cap and the Dutch were already three countries over their Colonial Masters limit, so they sold Brazil. In return, they got a couple of future prospects in the Virgin Islands and Taiwan.”
Today in Hystery August 5th
“On this day in 1763, in western Pennsylvania, the British won the Battle of Bushy Run by beating the Indian chief Pontiac. It was the first time that anyone had seen a Pontiac in reverse.”
WHY DON’T WE LIKE CONRAD BLACK?
People don’t like Lord and Lady Black because they talk exactly like Mr. & Mrs. Howell from Gilligan’s Island. You know, that strange nasal fake toffee-nosed English accent that a person puts on to sound like they went to Harvard, when they really went to Mr. Ed’s Beautician College .
Today in Hystery August 4th
“On this day in 1954, the government of Pakistan approved a new national anthem that summed up everything the government in Pakistan stood for and they called it “Death to the American Imperialists, May Missiles reign down on India and Welcome home all Terrorists!” sung to the tune of “Woolly Bully”.
Today in Hystery August 3rd
“On this day 1985 mail service returned to a nudist colony in Paradise Lake, Florida. Residents promised that they’d wear clothes or stay out of sight when the mailperson came to deliver. I guess the mailmen got upset looking at those big flabby breasts, and some of the women didn’t look great either.”
Today in Hystery August 2nd
“On this day in 1819, the first parachute jump took place in the United States. There is no official record of where it took place, maybe off a cliff. The parachute didn’t catch on for quite a while after that. I mean, it was 1819! They seemed to be missing an important ingredient.”
Today in Hystery August 1st
“On this day in 1969, the largest hailstones ever recorded, 2 ¾ inches in diameter, fell on Ottawa. The Conservative opposition in Parliament urged Pierre Trudeau to take a walk in the hail.”
Today in Hystery July 31st
“On this day in 1741, the explorer Vitus Bering, who was working for the Russians, landed in what is now Alaska. I don’t know if he stuck his flag anywhere, but he looked through his telescope and yelled,”Sarah Palin! I can see her house from here!”
Today in Hystery July 30th
“On this day in 1974, the Quebec National Assembly passed Bill 22, making French the official language of Quebec. Thank goodness they did, too, otherwise, today, you’d have people in Montreal leaving work on Fridays saying, “Okay, bon weekend!”
Today in Hystery July 29th
“On this day in 1928, Walt Disney’s first cartoon called “Steamboat Willy” was released. Now, you young folks out there wouldn’t be too familiar with this one. I imagine most people under 40 probably think Steamboat Willy is some kind of sailor’s disease.”
Today in Hystery July 28th
“On this day in 1896, the City of Miami was incorporated. Miami, by the way, is an old Seminole Indian word meaning, “Old men with brown lizard faces”.
THE NEW KILLER CANADIAN SYMBOL
I had a dozen crucial topics I wanted to cover this week, not the least of which was the mayor of Vancouver caught on tape swearing! I was so shocked, stunned, dismayed, gob smacked, traumatized, I almost dropped my !*#%& thesaurus!!
Today in Hystery July 26th
“On this day in 1664, the Sovereign Council in Quebec fixed commodity and shipping prices and also required price tags on all goods. They also allowed trading posts to say, “Giant Beaver Pelt Blowout. Do not pay ‘til 1665!”
Today in Hystery July 25th
“On this day in 1943, Benito Mussolini, the “Duce of Fascism” was deposed as leader of Italy and thrown in jail. Two years later he tried to escape from Italy but was captured by his countrymen, killed, then hung upside down outside a gas station. And we think we get ticked off with high gas prices.”
Today in Hystery July 24th
“On this day in 1846, the first demonstration in Canada of the telegraph took place at Toronto’s city hall. The message read, “Hey! Wassup?”
Today in Hystery July 23rd
“On this day in 1983, an Air Canada 767 ran out of fuel and made an emergency landing on an old airstrip in Gimli, Manitoba. Besides great piloting, there was a lot of luck involved in this landing; in his spare time, the captain happened to be a glider pilot, in his past, the first officer had flown out of the old airstrip, and finally, that very day was the annual “Gimli Welcomes Newcomers Day”, meaning that each of the passengers, stepping off the plane, were welcomed by the mayor and presented with plastic Viking helmets and T-shirts that said, “I Yust Go Nuts for Gimli”.
Today in Hystery July 22nd
“On this day in 1948, the people of Newfoundland voted to join Canada. This was a win-win situation for both sides. For Newfoundland, it meant they could share the riches of this vast country. For Canada it meant they finally got a sense of humour.”
Today in Hystery July 21st
“On this day in 1940, the Soviet Union, which was desperate to take over countries that ended in ‘ia’, took over Latvia, Estonia and Lithuania. They had wanted to get Macadamia and take control of the World Nut Cartel, but the Hawaiians beat them to it.”
IT’S QUESTION & ANSWER TIME
Summer is finally upon us, so it seems like a good time to answer a tiny fraction of the thousands of letters I get, asking for advice on how to have a good summer:
Dear Linda,
I have a 2008, 95 foot, 78 cylinder quad slider Fume Spewer Platinum motor home. Comes complete with 2 car garage [...]
Today in Hystery July 20th
“On this day in 1878, the first telephone was introduced in Hawaii. The difficulty on that first day was that, having only one telephone, there was nobody else to phone, so, really, although this is a great anniversary, the biggest day in Hawaiian telecommunications history was the day the SECOND telephone was introduced in Hawaii.”
Today in Hystery July 19th
“On this day in 1941, during the Battle of Britain, Prime Minister Winston Churchill began his famous “V for Victory” campaign. Churchill had hoped, initially, that the campaign would be called “Kill the Nazis”, but he struggled trying to make the letter ‘K’ with his fingers. People thought he was doing a shadow puppet of a rabbit, so he went with “V for Victory”
Today in Hystery July 18th
“On this day in 1905, the Canadian provinces of Alberta and Saskatchewan came into being. So, happy birthday to Alberta and Saskatchewan! You might want to know where the names of these two provinces came from. The word ‘Alberta’ comes from one of the names of Queen Victoria’s daughter. The word ‘Saskatchewan’ is an old Indian word meaning “Land where no man can leap to his death.”
Today in Hystery July 17th
“On this day in 1976, the 21st Olympics began in Montreal, giving Canadians, among other things the Olympic Stadium, the gift that just kept on giving; tower fires, collapsing roofs, falling slabs of concrete and a final cost of $1.6 billion! It just shows you what the Montreal Mafia can do when they put their minds to it.”
Today in Hystery July 16th
“On this day in 1988, hockey superstar Wayne Gretzky married actress Janet Jones, which became the greatest role she ever played because prior to that she would introduce herself this way, “Hi. I’m Janet Jones. You probably remember me from Police Academy 5?”
Today in Hystery July 15th
“On this day in 1870, the British government transferred to Canada complete control over Hudson’s Bay and all the Northwest Territories. The Canadians replied, “Well, thanks, but we’d been hoping for Bermuda.”
Today in Hystery July 14th
“On this day in 1832, The U.S. government decided to make opium exempt from federal taxes. It’s very similar to Canada where a six pack of donuts is exempt from the HST. The big difference is that a six pack of opium can provide a lot more enjoyment than the donuts.”
AN INCONVENIENT SINGING MOOSE
I am very PRO saving the planet. So of course, I try to do everything we’re supposed to:I throw containers in the blue box, I re-use shopping bags,and as the ultimate example of recycling, I married a man who’s been married before. So I do feel I’m doing my part.
Today in Hystery July 13th
“On this day in 1898, Guglielmo Marconi patented the radio. For many years afterwards, though, other scientists claimed that Marconi had stolen the idea. Can you imagine that? Radio people stealing ideas from each other? What has the world come to?”
Today in Hystery July 12th
“On this day in 1962, the Rolling Stones played their first ‘live’ performance at the Marquis Club in London, and, thanks to walkers, wheelchairs, seeing-eye dogs, hearing aids, portable oxygen tanks and Depends, they are still performing today.”
Al Gore’s Massage Therapy
I see Al Gore has managed to get himself into a bit of a red hot sex scandal. Apparently, a couple of years ago, a masseuse he had booked to come to his hotel room for some ‘registered massage therapy’ was shocked and terrified as she was working on his stomach muscles, because he started [...]
Today in Hystery July 11th
“On this day in 1946, Canada’s first drive-in movie theatre opened in Hamilton, Ontario. Nine months later, hundreds of babies were born in Hamilton and every baby came out reciting all the lines from “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Coincidence or what?”
Podcast for July 9 2010
It’s the much awaited Double Exposure Radio Summer Quiz! Test your knowledge, and win our eternal admiration.
Today in Hystery July 10th
“On this day in1925, the USSR established its official news agency TASS. TASS stood for “Truth Ain’t So Special”.
Today in Hystery July 9th
“On this day in 1982, Margaret Thatcher began her second term as Britain’s prime minister. To celebrate the occasion, Mrs. Thatcher went to her favourite hair salon, Poofy’s of London, and had her hair inflated to just under 500 pounds of pressure. This caused the Soviet Union to re-think world domination.”
Today in Hystery July 8th
“On this day in 1709, the Battle of Poltava took place with the Russians beating the Swedes. The Swedes lost, apparently, because they just wouldn’t go into the corners (old hockey joke).”
Today in Hystery July 7th
“On this day in 1930, The United States began construction on the Boulder Dam, which was later renamed The Hoover Dam, in honour of one of the greatest vacuum cleaners in history.”
Today in Hystery July 6th
“On this day in 1958, Alaska became the 49th U.S. state. The state held a contest to come up with a slogan. The winners were Sarah Palin’s parents whose winning entry was, “Alaska. You can see Russia from here!”
Today in Hystery July 5th
On this day in 1687, Isaac Newton’s “Principia” was published. Newton, as you’ll remember, was the man who discovered the theory of gravity after an apple fell from a tree and hit him on the head. In Principia, Newton proposed that when humans, like, for example, people like Keith Richards, fell from trees, they [...]
Today in Hystery July 4th
“On this day in 1886, the first scheduled transcontinental train reached the west coast of Canada in Port Moody, B.C. It was late, setting a precedent that has carried on to this day. The engineer apologized for the lateness of the train by saying they were attacked by Indians, hit by a landslide, crashed into a herd of Elk and had to make a few bathroom stops across the prairies, otherwise, they would have been there on time. Same, lame excuses they give you today.”
Today in Hystery July 3rd
On this day in 1608, the city of Quebec was founded by the explorer Samuel de Champlain, after whom all sorts of things were named; the Champlain Mall, Champlain College, the Champlain Golf Course. It’s even mentioned in the pop song “I Get a Kick out of You” when Sinatra sings “I get no [...]
Today in Hystery July 2nd
“On this day in 1976, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the death penalty; hanging, or the gas chamber, or lethal injections, were not inherently cruel or unusual punishment. Compared to what? Being eaten alive by sharks, or pouring sulphuric acid into your eyes? Now, that would be cruel. Those others? Don’t be a baby!”
Today in Hystery July 1st
“On this day in 1898, during the Spanish-American War, Teddy Roosevelt and his Roughriders charged up San Juan Hill. After the war, his Roughriders settled in Regina, Saskatchewan where they took up football.”
Today in Hystery June 30th
“On this day in 1859, Charles Blondin became the first person to cross Niagara Falls on a tightrope. This event couldn’t happen today, mostly because Homeland Security would never let you go across the border with a twenty foot pole in your hands.”
Today in Hystery June 29th
“On this day in 1613, Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre in London burned down. Police suspected a “play most fowle”.”
Today in Hystery June 28th
“On this day in 1820, the tomato was proven to be non-poisonous. It immediately became legal to eat tomatoes as well as throw them at bad singers, a practice that has, sadly, disappeared.”
Today in Hystery June 27th
“On this day in 1949, Louis St. Laurent led the Liberals to victory in the Canadian Federal election. St. Laurent was affectionately known as “Uncle Louie”, mostly by his nephews, Hewey and Dewey.”
Today in Hystery June 26th
“On this day in 1974, actress Elizabeth Taylor divorced her 5th husband, Richard Burton. When she was asked if there was something that Burton had done to deserve this, Taylor replied, “No, it was just that, like the previous four, he’d reached his ‘Best Before’ date”.”
Today in Hystery June 25th
“On this day in 1672, in Massachusetts, the first Quaker meeting was held. The first item on the agenda was how to make oats that cooked quickly.”
Today in Hystery June 24th
On this day in 1314, the Battle of Bannockburn took place. The Scots beat the English and regained their independence from England. This battle was mostly between the English King Edward the 2nd, or, as he was known back then, “Edward the Cross dresser” because of his secret closet of low scoop-neck [...]
WHAT TO DO WITH MY LOTTERY WINNINGS?
Now, just so you know that I will not selfishly cling to my windfall, I thought I would outline what I’ll be doing with my lucre. First, I’m going to buy Greece, because I like sheep, and I’ll need a vacation home in the sun. Plus, I feel this is a charitable act because they really need the money, and buying all the Greek Islands will still leave me with, I figure roughly 45 mil. Hey, I can probably pick up Hungary in a BOGO sale.
Today in Hystery June 23rd
“On this day in 1969, Warren Burger was sworn in as the U.S. Supreme Court’s Chief Justice. He was such a great Chief Justice that we can safely say, he was the only burger that did Americans any good.”
Today in Hystery June 22nd
“As everyone knows, June 22nd is Yemen’s greatest holiday “Corrective Move Day” where the citizens of Yemen march en masse to orthotics stores and snap up every arch support in the store.”
Today in Hystery June 21st
“June 21st is the first full day of summer in the northern hemisphere and, for all northern hemispherians, the beginning of that easily recognizable Farmer’s Tan.”
Today in Hystery June 20th
“On this day in 1837, Queen Victoria ascended the throne of Britain. She is best remembered by most people as the monarch who said, “We are not amused”. This line was spoken just after she had watched a stand-up comic ask, for the 22nd time, “Anybody here from out of town?”
Today in Hystery June 19th
“On this day in 1983, B.C. Place stadium opened in Vancouver. It was the only stadium in Canada where the roof was held up with hot air, meaning the building had to be continually filled with politicians.”
Today in Hystery June 18th
“On this day in 1812, the aptly named “War of 1812” began as the United States declared war against Britain. Canada was also involved. Great Britain and Canada actually won this war. The Department of Homeland Security, however, will make sure this never happens again, starting with confiscating our tiny shampoo bottles.”
FATHER’S DAY IS JUST THE BEGINNING
The 14th to 20th is Meet a Mate Week, sometimes tragically confused with Mate with Meat Week which takes place in late January in the Scottish Highlands.
Today in Hystery June 17th
“On this day in 1925, Canada signed the League of Nations protocol prohibiting the use of poisonous gas and bacteria in warfare, making war much more humane than ever before.”
Today in Hystery June 16th
“The other thing is that the Battle of Kellogg’s Grove was part of the Black Hawk War, which was eventually won by the Blackhawks by making Dusten Byfulglien stand in front of the enemy’s goalie while they shot at him.”
Today in Hystery June 15th
“On this day in 1215, King John of England signed the Magna Carta on Runnymede Island. Nowhere in English history did one man give so much of what he owned, except, of course, for Paul McCartney’s divorce from Heather Mills.”
Today in Hystery June 14th
“On this day in 1984, Pierre Trudeau said farewell to the Liberal Party in a gala tribute. Liberals felt very honoured when Trudeau waved goodbye to them and, for a change, used all five fingers.”
Today in Hystery June 13th
“On this day in 1900, the Boxer Rebellion began in China. The Boxers rebelled against foreigners. Soon after, the Wrestlers joined the rebellion, led by the fierce Hulk Ho Gan.”
Today in Hystery June 12th
On this day in 1792, Naval Captain George Vancouver discovered the site of what is now Vancouver, British Columbia. It was the custom in those days that when you discovered a place, it was named after the captain of the ship. Fortunately for Vancouverites, their city wasn’t discovered by Naval Captain Ramsbottom.
On this day [...]
Today in Hystery June 11th
“On this day in 1947, sugar rationing ended in the United States. Dentists took the day off to celebrate.”
Today in Hystery June 10th
“During the Cold War he built the Diefenbunker, complete with Diefenbathrooms and a Diefenbarfridge.”
TAKE MY CATS…PLEASE!
We’ve had our cat Nelson since he was a baby, and believe me, the breastfeeding was torture.
Today in Hystery June 9th
“In 1915, the Vancouver Millionaires was an NHL team. Today, the Vancouver Millionaires is a place called West Vancouver.”
Today in Hystery June 8th
On this day in 1685, there was a coin shortage in Quebec and soldiers begin being paid with playing cards. Fortunately, these days, you don’t have such ridiculous pieces of paper being used as money, well, except for the euro.
On this day in 1965, the USSR launched Luna 6 which missed the moon completely. [...]
Today in Hystery June 7th
“On this day in 1962, the Queen Mother arrived for a tour of Canada. Hotels were warned to lock down their mini bars.”
Today in Hystery June 6th
On this day in 1844, the YMCA was founded in London. After the ribbon cutting by the local member of parliament, the opening day crowds were entertained by The Village People.
On this day in 1925, Walter Chrysler founded his motor car company the Chrysler Corporation. Just like Henry Ford, who named vehicles after family members [...]
Today in Hystery June 5th
“Security was tight boarding the balloon as authorities were on the lookout for any swarthy people with bows and arrows.”
Today in Hystery June 4th
On this day in 1070, Roquefort Cheese was first made in a cave near Roquefort, France. Since that day, Roquefort (true) can only be made in caves. We must assume, therefore, that Osama bin Laden enjoys a lot of cheese. Too much cheese, of course, can plug you up. I believe CIA strategy is to [...]
Today in Hystery June 3rd
On this day in 1781, Jack Jouett rode to warn Thomas Jefferson of a British attack. Jouett’s ride is not as famous as Paul Revere’s ride where Revere screamed at everybody “The British are coming!” Jouett was yelling “Inform Jefferson, or at least get a missive to him that there’s a combined occupying force [...]
Today in Hystery June 2nd
“The real Visigoths, by the way, were generally a much cheerier people than their modern day counterparts.”
TROUBLE IN DUCHESSLAND
It’s not easy being a ‘royal’. First, you have to learn how to do that wave. You know the one, where you can’t flap too much or too little, so you must land somewhere in between ‘I’ve slipped into a coma’ and ‘I’m being attacked by killer BEES!’ It’s tricky. Then you also have to [...]
Today in Hystery June 1st
On this day in 1495, the first written record of ‘Scotch Whiskey’ appears, apparently distilled by Friar John Cor. At his Scottish abbey, he was the lucky one. When they gave each of the monks jobs to do, Friar John was hoping he wouldn’t get ‘writing out in calligraphy everything that had happened in [...]
Today in Hystery May 31st
On this day in 1678, the beautiful Lady Godiva rode bare naked through the streets of Coventry to protest taxes. It didn’t work. Taxes went up, along with a lot of other things.
On this day in 1790, U.S. copyright law was enacted. The first [...]
Today in Hystery May 30th
“He later claimed he didn’t intend to go that fast but when he applied the brakes on his Toyota nothing happened”
This Day in Hystery May 29th
This saying remained true until George W. Bush became president.
Today in Hystery May 28th
On this day in 1533 Henry the 8th’s marriage to Anne Boleyn was declared null and void. She had originally fallen head over heels for Henry who got so excited about marrying her, he started his own church. At the end her head fell over her heels after Henry had her executed by chopping her [...]
Today in Hystery May 27th
On this day in 1968 Pierre Trudeau promised to make French an official language in canada. It was miraculous! Almost immediately, everyone in Quebec began speaking French.
Today in Hystery May 26th
There has never been a more ridiculous war unless you count Jay Leno versus Conan O’Brien
The Queen Ignores Sarah in the Throne Speech
Who do they hire to write these programs? 12 year olds who would rather be playing Warcraft?
Today in Hystery-May 25th
Had the Irish won we would be a very different country today with Bob Geldof as president, Bono as vice president and, quite possible, Conan O’Brien as the Minister of Moping
Today in Hystery May 24th
The Victoria Day weekend in Canada is celebrated with fireworks displays, family barbeques and, on TV, watching two American NHL teams fight it out for the Stanley Cup.
COCKTAIL TALES
I will no longer drink any alcolholic beverage that is the same colour as a Muppet.
Take a Pill
We get so many emails sent to Double Exposure Radio with confused people looking for answers to all of life’s questions. Why they write to us and not to experts is unknown, perhaps it is because we once took the Pink Jeep tour in Sedona and had a vision while standing in the Boynton Canyon [...]
GREAT GARDENING EXPECTATIONS
Last Saturday was my favourite day of the year. Every year. Not because it’s a particularly special date, or because it was a Saturday. For me, I look forward to pretty much every Saturday, because I go to the mall for coffee and muffins with my husband and my Mother, and we spend a good hour, [...]
Things I Don’t Want to Hear Again
I don’t want to hear, ever again, that somebody’s fat finger on a keyboard caused the Dow Jones to plummet a thousand points in ten minutes
THESE IDEAS HAVE GOT TO GO
It’s a Brain Blow Out Column! Yes, due to a mistake in ordering, my brain is overstocked with a bunch of ideas that we need to clear out TODAY, before the spring shipment arrives!
BLOWOUT ITEM #1- There was news last week that Tiger Woods admitted to having had sex with 120 women while he was [...]
The Worst Places to Live in Canada?
So, I was scrolling down the list of the ten worst places to live in Canada, and noticed that six of them are right here in Beautiful B.C. This list is published by Money Sense Magazine which most of us never read. Magazines for me, personally, are not interesting. I used to read them years [...]
Whale of a Day in Vancouver
A grey whale was spotted today in downtown Vancouver, casually swimming through False Creek, and within minutes, all sorts of things happened; crowds stood on the shore of Granville Island straining for a view of the whale. The mayor of Vancouver, sensing another environmental moment, immediately ordered the installation of Whale-Only lanes on the Burrard [...]
Terrorists on Broadway
So, they seem to have caught the terrorist who tried to blow up his van in Manhattan. Some said this was a protest against South Park’s infamous episode which featured the prophet Mohammed wearing a bear suit. There are various theories as to why he parked his van exactly there, near Viacom and “The Lion [...]
Who Cares About Politics
I was chatting with a very nice fellow the other day and he was congratulating me on my website which features political satire and parody, and was amazed at how I have always been a writer and performer of political satire (which isn’t true, of course. For example I once prepared tasty meals for passengers [...]
TOUCHING MOMENTS AT THE AGO
I’m a touchy feely kind of gal. And by that I mean, I have always liked to touch and feel things, since, well, really before I can remember. I suspect the kicks my Mother felt in the womb were actually me going “Ohhh, nice texture on this placenta. Say, this umbilical cord is an excellent [...]
RECYCLING OLD BAGS-PLASTIC AND OTHERWISE
Two topics to cover this week, both concerning things that are old and worn out. The first one has to do with shopping bags. I saw a story on the news the other night, where experts said how terrible these re-usable shopping bags are for the environment when they become old and worn out and [...]
GALS, GIRDLES, AND GIGGLES
So, I was talking to my new BFF Caroline Rhea, you know, ‘Hilda’ on Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and I was saying…oh wait, let me back up just a bit. I was in Toronto last week to take part in The Heart & Stroke Foundation’s The Heart Truth Fashion Show. When I was [...]
Here’s a Job You Might Like
FROM THE CAREEERS PAGE
We have an immediate requirement for a vice regal representative to the head of state for a medium-sized western industrial country in the northern part of North America. This is an exciting and challenging [...]
TAKE MY ADVICE – THE CAT KNOWS
I was about 3 hours into the weekly 8-9 hours of intense research that I do for this column, when Nelson, my introspective cat, plunked himself down on my keyboard, stared at me for a good 5 minutes, and then said;
“I have concerns.”
“Well, I have deadlines, and your back passage on my keyboard does not [...]
Who’s Your Gramma? Not Me!
My step-daughter is delivering a child next month. Of course, we’re all very excited as this is her first. But I am now going through the “What am I going to call myself?” dilemma again.
COOLNESS? IT’S BRED IN THE BONE
It’s not easy being cool…well, for those who aren’t born into it. For those who are, ‘coolness’ is something that happens naturally, without much effort. People who’ve got it seem to wear it with ease, a confidence in that Popeye the Sailor Man mould, “I am what I am and that’s all that I am,” except, without [...]
I Recalibrate, Therefore, I Are
The federal Conservatives took two months off to ‘recalibrate’. A lot of us don’t actually know what that means. Does it mean they hit a large tuning fork and suddenly Stephen Harper started to vibrate?
The Olympics Are Over! Now What?
This malady was first discovered by doctors at the Ralph Klein University, shortly after the ‘88 Calgary Olympics. It’s called POVBD, or Post Olympic Vacant Brain Syndrome.
American Healthcare 2.0
U.S. President Barack Obama hosted a summit at the Whitehouse last week, trying to get Congress to pass his new, latest healthcare package, now with added lemon, and fortified with Vitamin D and aloe vera.
Vancouver Olympics: Let the Sun Shine!
Oh sure, we could have had more snow up on Cypress, but look at this place. Have you seen the shots on CTV from the broadcast centre? It’s like tourism porn.