On this day in 1419, the Duke of Burgundy, also known as John the Fearless, was assassinated by supporters of King Charles the 7th of France. This was actually not the day that he became known as John the Fearless. That was years before. If he’d been named on this day, he would have been known as John the Wet Pants.

   On this day in 1547, well, let’s go back to yesterday’s date when Mary Stuart, aged 9 months was crowned Queen of the Scots. On today’s date in 1547, she’s 5 years old and the English are demanding that she marry their King Edward the 6th, who is ten years old. What it makes you realize is that the Hillbillies of Tennessee were geniuses compared to the English and the Scots in the 1500s.

   On this day in 1894, a London taxi driver named George Smith became the first person to be fined for drunk driving. He went to the Old Bailey and said, “Honestly sir. I was sober as a judge!” Lucky for him, the judge wasn’t.

   On this day in 1939, Canada’s prime minister William Lyon Mackenzie King declared war on Germany. Well, he didn’t personally. He declared war on Germany on behalf of Canada. And, as usual, the advice came from his pet dog, who he always consulted on these things. He was out walking and asked the dog, “well boy, should we declare war on Germany or not?” and the dog replied by lifting his leg against the side of a Volkswagen. Not a true story, but don’t you wish it was?

   On this day in 1945, Mike the Headless Chicken was decapitated but lived for 18 months without a head. You can Google it. Mike spent 18 months running around like…I believe you know the punch line.

   On this day in 1992, Lucy, from the Peanuts comic strip, raised her psychiatric fee from 5 cents to 47 cents. She also began seeing other clients including Hagar the Horrible, Andy Capp and Mary Worth, who really needed a shrink more than anybody because she had begun having recurring nightmares where people kept running up to her and demanding that, after 53 years, she come to some sort of conclusion.

   If your birthday is September 10th, you share it with pop singer Jose Feliciano who became famous for his big Christmas hit, “Feliz Navidad”, most of which is in Spanish, which proves to me that when Christmas time comes, we’ll all sing along with any old thing and believe it’s about a donkey, a manger and three wise men, when, in fact, it just might be a song about mining.

 

   On this day in 1543, Mary Stuart, at nine months old, was crowned “Queen of Scots” in the Scottish town of Stirling. She immediately flew into a rage and ordered all British prisoners killed. Historians say it was probably because she was teething. She didn’t make any speeches from the throne for a few years because she hadn’t been throne-trained.

   On this day in 1615, explorer Étienne Brulé arrived at the Seneca village on the east bank of the Humber River and became the first European to see what is now the City of Toronto. Toronto is an old Iroquois word that has two meanings, one was “smelt trap” and the other was “a good place to do business”.  Which one do you think best describes Toronto?

   On this day in 1850, California became the 31st U.S. State. When they named the state they were working on two choices for names; one was ‘California” which means in Spanish, “Land of Amazon Women”, and that was long before anyone had ever seen Pamela Anderson. The other choice was an old Austrian word, “Cleefonia” which means, “The Terminator’s Nightmare”.

   On this day in 1895, the American Bowling Congress was formed. Why bowlers needed their own congress is beyond me, but their first resolution was to determine whether five pin bowlers were equal to ten pin bowlers. As usual, you get a bunch of men, form a congress and they start arguing over who has the biggest balls.

   On this day in 1954, 16-year-old Marilyn Bell became the first person to swim across Lake Ontario, from Youngstown, New York to Toronto. This was the fastest human crossing of Lake Ontario until 1968, when Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau walked across the lake in only ten hours.

      On this day in 1956, Elvis Presley appeared on TV for the first time on the Ed Sullivan Show. Ed ordered the cameras to shoot Elvis from the waist up so we couldn’t see his swaying hips. Too perverted I guess, but then at the end of the show, Ed fondled a soft foam mouse and then kissed it. Swaying hips; sick. Fondling and kissing a foam mouse; priceless.

   If your birthday is on September 9th, you share it with Harlan Sanders who was born on this day in 1890. He is best remembered as KFC’s Colonel Sanders even though he was never a Colonel. Harlan Sanders is also remembered as one of the men who made North America fat. It’s easy to figure out; if the calories in a bucket of fried chicken out-number the brain cells of the person eating it, then he will gain 50 pounds before he has licked the grease off the inside of the bucket.

   On this day in 1504, Michelangelo’s statue “David’ was unveiled in Florence. Women were horrified. One woman shouted, “He’s got no pants on! I will not put up with this outrage. I intend to stand here watching him, for days if necessary, to make sure this statue gets some pants!”

   On this day in 1713, for you Papal watchers, Pope Clemens the Eleventh published a decree called the “Unigentis”, which is Italian for same-sex washrooms. His decree was against “Jansenism”, which was the continual habit of fat men wearing Speedos to the beach and disgusting all the other swimmers. Unfortunately, Pope Clemens thought Speedos were made by Jantzen. He later apologized to Jantzen in his decree called “Meaculpa”.

   On this day in 1858, it was reported that President Abraham Lincoln made the famous speech in which he said, “You can fool some of the people all of the time, etc etc. Most experts say this was false, that he never actually uttered those words, but everyone thinks he said it, proving that, thanks to the internet, you can fool pretty well everyone all the time, if you tell them you read it in Wikipedia.

   On this day in 1926, the League of Nations voted unanimously to admit Germany. Maybe that’s where that “you can fool some of the people..” speech came from.

   On this day in 1930, and this is a big one, Scotch Tape was invented. Some facts; it was not invented in Scotland, nor by a Scotsman, and the mascot, Scotty McTape, was not a real character, despite rumours about the Scottish army at Culloden being led by a cartoon man in a kilt, carrying adhesive tape. Didn’t happen. That’s Billy Connelly you’re thinking of.

   On this day in 1966, Star Trek was first broadcast on NBC, starring Canada’s own William Shatner. The three seasons of Star Trek would launch Shatner’s sensational career as the pitchman for Commodore Computers, Priceline, Loblaws, and Kelloggs All-Bran. Who knew that playing Captain Kirk could lead to such greatness?

   On this day in 1977, Interpol began issuing their warning about video piracy which viewers saw before their movie began. This is now the second most-ignored warning in the world next to “Do not turn on cell phones until the aircraft has come to a complete stop in front of the terminal”

   If your birthday is September 8th, you share it with King Richard the Lion Hearted, who was born on this day in 1157. King Richard was aptly named; he truly did have the heart of a lion. Unfortunately, he also had the butt of a hippo but no one ever mentions that.

   On this day in 1572, Canada’s first business deal was recorded in Chateau Bay, Labrador. An anonymous Basque fisherman bought four scallops. Although few details are available from the usual historical sources, our own Hystery specialists have discovered all the facts under the Access to Useless Information Act. First of all, the reason the Basque fisherman wanted to remain anonymous was that he was cheating on his wife. He had gone out one night in Bilbao after telling his wife he was just going to the pub to enjoy a pint with his friends. After worrying about him for six years she found out he had lied about going to the pub and had actually gone fishing off the Grand Banks where he had hooked up with a serving wench from Labrador who believed that scallops were an aphrodisiac. This is what had sent our anonymous Basque fisherman out to his local fish shop to quickly secure four scallops, for which he paid six sticks and 25 leaves (it was the currency in Labrador in the 1500s). The fish dealer was deliriously happy because he had been giving the scallops away and now, suddenly, he was a ‘bidness’ man. Life in Canada has never been the same.

   On this day in 1882, the battle of the Hadfields and the McCoys took place on the border of West Virginia and Kentucky. Over a hundred people were wounded or killed including serious injuries to 35 whisky stills, eleven banjos and 6 pairs of suspenders. The good news is that, despite the numerous head wounds, no brain cells were harmed during the conflict.

   On this day in 1930, R.B. Bennett became the prime minister of Canada. Lucky guy! Getting to be PM of Canada during the Great Depression is about as useful as being Mel Gibson’s publicist.

   On this day in 1961, USSR Premier Nikita Khrushchev predicted that the Soviet economy would surpass the United States economy. Turns out that was just the Smirnoff talking. Not long after that, he went to the United Nations where he was charged with trying to kill his shoe by beating it on a desk. He said he did it because he was getting phone calls from Maxwell Smart.

   If your birthday is September 7th, you share it with rock singer Buddy Holly who was born on this day in 1936. Besides being a talented singer, Buddy also taught us a great lesson; never fly in a small plane with a rock ‘n roll band. If Buddy had only taken the 9:15 Greyhound from Mason City he’d still be singing “Peggy Sue” today.

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