Dear Mrs. Rob Ford,
I think we need to talk. I believe I can speak for most of the women in this country, and now sadly, most of the women in most of the free WORLD, when I say that seeing you marching out and standing beside your husband, Rob ‘Diarrhea Mouth’ Ford as he made his latest heartfelt apology regarding his comment about his…well…I’m sure you don’t need me to repeat it again, was one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever seen. I suspect, like me, you were thinking as he spoke, “If only he had been in one of his drunken stupors when he made that comment! Then it would be so understandable AND forgivable…once he’d thrown up and urinated all over himself.” But no. That unforgettable sentence was formed by the lips and the tongue of a stone cold sober man. And by the way, that’s a tongue none of us ever, EVER want to see again, because, well, too many disturbing images!! YUCK!! So as I watched you, standing off his right shoulder, I realized what the main problem is: You chose a DINK for a mate. Now, don’t feel too bad. There are plenty of people out there who have made the same mistake. Take me, for example. There was a time when I chose very VERY poorly. I’ve made up for it since then, but I don’t want to brag too much about my fella now, because I think it’ll probably make you rip your eyelashes out one by one. But, there was a time. I won’t go into the minor dinks, like the guy who would just sit and stare at the side of my nose, silently, and then suddenly break into some old Frank Sinatra hit that he would sing at full volume. Initially I thought this was kind of romantic, but when someone does that on public transit, or at the grocery store, traumatizing everyone within a 200 yard radius, I saw serious and expensive therapy in my future. Then there was the one with the armadillos. I’ve spoken of him before, so no need to go over old, stinky, territory. And then there was the Magician.
And when I say ‘magician’ that’s not code for ‘he was a real WIZARD in the boudoir’! No. He was a card-carrying magician, and he would routinely make that magician’s card materialize from behind some poor schmuck’s ear. Now, I’m not saying all magicians are dinks, but this one was pretty close to being what I like to call The King of Dinkistan. He would never go to a dinner party or gathering without his large suitcase full of tricks. He told me early on that even though I would see these illusions a million times, I would delight in the looks of awe and amazement on the faces of his audience. What really happens, is you just get more and more sick and tired of seeing the handkerchief shoved in the fake thumb. And I’m pretty sure that’s how David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear…he shoved it in a fake thumb. But that’s not what really made him a dink. What made him a dink, was that he was a liar, (Mrs. Ford, I think you know what I’m talkin’ about)…at times he was weird and creepy (anything resonating here, Mrs. Ford?) but what got him to being crowned The King of D-stan, was that he liked making his magic wand disappear in any female that would stay still long enough for him to say Alakazzam! And there’s a lot more, just as I’m guessing there’s a lot more that you have endured, not the least of which is just having to watch that guy eat for all these years…and when I say that, I mean eat actual FOOD.
So what I’m getting at is this; You do NOT have to stand next to this man. HE embarrassed YOU! Not the other way ‘round. You do NOT have to listen to his advisors. They’re lousy. After this fiasco is all over, the only job they’ll get is managing the run-off from the local sewage treatment plant. It’s time women who are married to dinks, especially dinks in public office, let them fix their own damn messes, by themselves.
And none of us would EVER blame you for doing that. We’d applaud you. If you must support him, then book him into rehab. Or call the doctor who’ll perform that personality by-pass surgery the mayor so desperately needs. But do it from the privacy of your house, or better yet, a condo in Maui that he doesn’t have the keys to.
So the next time he is at a microphone apologizing for his latest BM, or brain movement, I hope the only thing I see standing next to him is the official flag of Dinkistan.
Your friend in the sisterhood, Linda Cullen.