Step One: a Conservative majority government is elected in Canada. The Canadian, being one of the 60.38% who didn’t vote for the Conservatives, is concerned about what that might do to the Canada he grew up with but it’s not enough to make him jump into action, despite the fact that the Conservative leader reminds him of that creepy-looking kid in high school biology class who cackled to himself as he dissected the cow’s head. The Canadian does nothing.

Step Two: the Conservative government decides to buy 65 “Buyer Beware” F-35 fighter jets without tender at a final price of over $16 billion of taxpayer money. The Canadian wonders whether drones would be a better answer and, God knows, the Conservative caucus is filled with them, but, it’s not enough to get his blood boiling and, because the F-35s can’t communicate in the Arctic, he thinks it might be neat to see a Canadian fighter jet skywriting the word “Mayday” across the northern sky. That would definitely go viral on YouTube! But the Canadian does nothing.

Step Three: the Conservative government stops using the House of Commons for doing the country’s business and switches to committees that meet in private. The Canadian now actually starts getting angry. He even has outbursts of Trudeau-like profanity (PET and JPJT) on his office coffee breaks and starts being avoided at the water cooler where most conversations revolve around the marital status of the Kardashians or YouTube videos of talking dogs. His systolic reading is pushing 150 and he starts thinking that things are getting a little too uncomfortable. The Canadian decides to bring down his blood pressure by relaxing in front of the TV and watching hockey. As he stretches out his easy chair, “Coach’s Corner” starts up and Don Cherry begins pounding his fist into the desk bellowing at everyone to remember the “Baby Jesus’ birthday”!! The Canadian goes ballistic and is on the verge of doing something, but…he does nothing.

Step Four: The Conservative government gets rid of the long-gun registry and destroys all the records, despite the protests of police forces across Canada. The Canadian is so enraged he seeks therapy and in his first session rants about how the Conservatives are starting to copy everything the Americans do, meaning Canadians will soon protect their homes with guns instead of calling the annoying man at Alarm Force. What’s next, he thinks, a Canadian TV channel filled with Rush Limbaugh wannabes waging a holy war against ballet dancers, liberals and anyone with an education? The Canadian is now convinced he should do something, but, as a Tim Horton’s comes into view, he is swayed by the allure of a double-double and promises himself he will do something…soon.

Step Five: The Conservative government phones people in a Montreal Liberal riding telling them the Liberal MP is going to retire when, in fact, he isn’t. The Canadian gets out of his chair and starts to pace. He doesn’t like his government carrying out dirty tricks because…well, that’s not something Canadians do. So he decides to fire off an angry email to his MP but realizes with horror, that his MP is busy mounting a campaign to take away a woman’s right to choose, so, best not poke the zealot any further. “I’m going to do something very soon,” thinks the Canadian, “seriously, very soon.”

Final Step: A Conservative backbench MP begins a campaign to sell the CBC and the PMO makes no move to stop him. Another backbench MP begins a campaign to bring back the death penalty. The PMO doesn’t stop her. With his beloved CBC Radio on the verge of extinction and a civil service ad for “professional executioners, lethal injection specialists preferred” running through his head, the Canadian is finally ready to jump into action. Just as he opens the door to leave, he hears a radio bulletin. The PMO has now ordered that all official federal government documents must replace the word “Canadian” with the word “Harperian”. The Canadian has had enough. Time to do something…but it’s too late. He has been boiled and he never even knew it was happening. In his last moments, the Canadian remembers a line from a book he once read, “It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.”