It sure looks like a lot of Canadians have been reading my book, “Mayan Horror-How to Survive the End of the World in 2012″.

http://news.nationalpost.com/2012/05/02/apocalypse-soon-9-of-canadians-say-world-will-end-in-2012/

Yes, the world will end on December 21st, but if you buy the book, available in most bookstores and online at the usual outlets, you will find tips on how to save yourself and your family once Armageddon strikes. As well, you’ll get the complete history of how the cagey Mayans created this killer calendar. The bonus, for Canadians is a list of the top ten best places to ride out the Apocalypse. Here’s a quote from the book giving you the number one safest place in Canada to hunker down and wait out the End of Days…

“#1 – The Diefenbunker. It’s the perennial winner in the category of “Best Place to Survive the End of the World” in Ottawa’s prestigious “Visitors’ and Illegal Refugees Guide to Ottawa Magazine”. The Diefenbunker, or, more correctly, the Diefenbunker Cold War Museum is easy to find. Let’s say you were heading west out of Ottawa on Highway 417 to go to an Ottawa Senators hockey game at the Corel Centre and you had this sudden thought, “Do I really want to watch the Senators play tonight?” which happens a lot these days. Well, if you keep going a few hundred metres past the Corel Centre and turn right at Exit 144, you’ll soon be in the aptly-named town of Carp and that’s where you’ll find the Diefenbunker. It’s 100,000 square feet of blast-proof protection on four floors, all underground. It was originally built during the Cold War as the place where the Canadian Prime Minister, John Diefenbaker, could hide out while Russian missiles rained down nuclear holocaust, killing every other Canadian except him, his little dog, the woman who massaged his jowls and his three Dieffenbachia plants which were named Lester, Bowles and Pearson. When the nuclear nightmare was over, John Diefenbaker would have been the only man left in Canada, meaning that to re-populate the country, women would have needed to have sex with John Diefenbaker…so maybe Canada wouldn’t get re-populated after all. Anyway, the Diefenbunker would have totally protected Mr. Diefenbaker from any jowl-rattling blast. These days, deep down in the bowels of the bunker, under picturesque Carp, you can take a tour where you’ll see the Prime Minister’s suite including the Diefenbunkbed where Diefenbaker would have Diefendropped off to sleep after a hard day of Diefenbroadcasting his message of hope to dead Canadians everywhere. There’s a gift shop filled with MemoraDiefenbelia, the War Cabinet room plus the CBC Radio studio where a lonely CBC announcer would turn on his microphone once an hour and say, “At the beginning of the long dash, marking ten seconds of silence it will be one o’clock Eastern Standard Time”. They had to include the national time signal in the Diefenbunker because this was the most popular radio broadcast in all of Canada during the 1960s. Canadians would drop what they were doing at the top of every hour and rush to the nearest radio to hear that reassuring time announcement. In the evening, families would gather round their radios to listen to the dulcet tones of the CBC announcer broadcasting the exact time, and that was one of the quirky things about Canadians back then. No approximate time would do. It had to be the exact time, “Geez, Bill, the village has been flattened by the A-bomb, you wouldn’t happen to have the exact time, eh?”

When the Mayan Calendar ticks down its final seconds on December 21st, this is the book to grip tightly in your hands.

Here are the facts: Daniel Sedin, the best player on the Vancouver Canucks suffered a concussion after he was purposely hit in the face with an elbow from Duncan Keith of the Chicago Blackhawks. Keith received a 5 game suspension. Sedin’s return is unknown and the NHL playoffs are coming soon.

Now, according to Vancouver Sun sports writer Harrison Mooney, in this morning’s paper, a well-known Christian evangelist named Louie Giglio held a rally last Friday at Rogers Arena. Amongst the 10,000 screaming Christians in attendance was Paolo Aquilini, part of the ownership group that owns the Canucks and Rogers Arena. Paolo is a born-again Christian. So, there’s the 10,000 fervent Christians cheering as Louie Giglio holds up a blue Canucks helmet, like it was the Holy Grail, and asks the audience to pray for the healing of Daniel Sedin.

So, I have some questions:

Was that Daniel Sedin’s real helmet? Did Paolo use his pull, as owner, to slip it out of the locker room downstairs and bring it up for the pastor? Does holding that helmet up in front of 10,000 evangelicals and having them pray for its owner, make that a magical helmet with…I don’t know…super powers? And if it really was Sedin’s helmet will he be wearing it for the game when he returns and will he score 25 goals in one game? Also, if it wasn’t really Daniel’s helmet, just something from the Canucks Shop, wouldn’t they want to trade it for Daniel’s real helmet now that that helmet has super powers? Lastly, does Daniel know that this event happened? Do the rest of the Canucks know? Will they all want their helmets blessed by the prayers of 10,000 Christians?

I just have to find out.

272 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar

Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”

“One more important thing about the Mayans is that they weren’t a monotheistic society, which, for you those of you who didn’t get past grade 6, means the Mayans didn’t believe there was just one god. The Mayans were a polytheistic society that worshipped all sorts of gods. There was Cizin, the god of death, Chac, the god of rain, Yum Kaax, the god of corn. The list is endless, you’ve got Discoxxatil, the god of dancing, Xtramunchiz, the god of late night snacks, Maaloxx, the god of upset stomachs, and who could forget Inebriatoxixil, the god of drunks. You get the point, for everything in ancient Mayan society there was a god you prayed to for more corn, less rain, no hangovers or plenty of chips and salsa. This just reinforces the point that this will not be the Christian God’s Armageddon because in order to make it a godly event, all 1300 of the Mayan gods would have to have gathered together and tried to get an agreement to wipe out the earth. Impossible. I know for example that Shitzaputzl, the god of profanity would never go along with it. No, we’ll have to leave it as a mystery as to why the world will end just because the Mayan Calendar runs out, but I’m very fond of the exhausted chiseler theory.”

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” is published by Anvil Press and is available at bookstores throughout Canada and at online book sellers around the world.

276 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar

Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”

“Most importantly, the Mayans invented calendars and not just the big one that we think will cause ‘all Hell to break loose’. The Mayans had a whole bunch of calendars, but the one that concerns us is the calendar the Mayans called “The Long Count Calendar”, a calendar that was designed to go for thousands of years. So the question we are all asking ourselves right now is, “Why does this calendar stop at 11:11am Universal Time on December 21st, 2012?” Nobody really knows the answer, but I have a theory; burn out. The guy who chiseled the calendar just got fed up. The chiseler, let’s call him Mictxecacihuatxl, was chiseling away on his rock when he just said, “Screw this noise! Do they have any idea how long it takes to chisel 10 thousand years worth of dates? And they’re only paying me 20 beans a month and all the chimichangas I can eat! Forget it! Maybe it’s time to open that dance studio I’ve fantasized about.” And the chiseler downed tools just after chiseling “12/21/2012” and went off to open “Mictxecacihuatxl’s School of Mexican Hat and Chicken Dancing”. You may think that sounds like an odd way to condemn the world to ruin, but nobody else seems to have any better ideas as to why the Mayan Calendar stops on December 21st.

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” is published by Anvil Press and is available at bookstores throughout Canada and at online book sellers around the world.

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