324 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar

Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”

“Let’s start with who the Mayans are. Although there are plenty of ordinary Mayans still around today, the ones who designed this killer calendar were one of the world’s super races at a time when super races were all the rage. Everybody had to have a super race. You had the Egyptians, the Aztecs, the Greeks, the Atlantians, even the Lemurians who, I gather, were lemurs but they could levitate and often travelled to Uranus and back just to pick berries.”

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” is published by Anvil Press and is available at bookstores throughout Canada and at online book sellers around the world.

326 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar

Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”

“So, how is it possible that people believe the world will end thanks to the Mayans but they don’t even know the first thing about this ancient race? That’s because high schools have stopped teaching history and replaced it with dodge-ball lessons or Online Gaming 101. It’s time to find out who are the Mayans and why they are they bringing rack and ruin to the earth. Okay, I exaggerate. There is no mention of them bringing rack, just ruin. I was just hoping there might be some rack first and that would give us time to get ready for the ruin which always follows just after the rack, but it was simply wishful thinking on my part. So, a lack of rack but plenty of ruin coming our way.”

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” is published by Anvil Press and is available at bookstores throughout Canada and at online book sellers around the world.

Step Two: the Conservative government decides to buy 65 “Buyer Beware” F-35 fighter jets without tender at a final price of over $16 billion of taxpayer money. The Canadian wonders whether drones would be a better answer and, God knows, the Conservative caucus is filled with them, but, it’s not enough to get his blood boiling and, because the F-35s can’t communicate in the Arctic, he thinks it might be neat to see a Canadian fighter jet skywriting the word “Mayday” across the northern sky. That would definitely go viral on YouTube! But the Canadian does nothing.

Step Three: the Conservative government stops using the House of Commons for doing the country’s business and switches to committees that meet in private. The Canadian now actually starts getting angry. He even has outbursts of Trudeau-like profanity (PET and JPJT) on his office coffee breaks and starts being avoided at the water cooler where most conversations revolve around the marital status of the Kardashians or YouTube videos of talking dogs. His systolic reading is pushing 150 and he starts thinking that things are getting a little too uncomfortable. The Canadian decides to bring down his blood pressure by relaxing in front of the TV and watching hockey. As he stretches out his easy chair, “Coach’s Corner” starts up and Don Cherry begins pounding his fist into the desk bellowing at everyone to remember the “Baby Jesus’ birthday”!! The Canadian goes ballistic and is on the verge of doing something, but…he does nothing.

Step Four: The Conservative government gets rid of the long-gun registry and destroys all the records, despite the protests of police forces across Canada. The Canadian is so enraged he seeks therapy and in his first session rants about how the Conservatives are starting to copy everything the Americans do, meaning Canadians will soon protect their homes with guns instead of calling the annoying man at Alarm Force. What’s next, he thinks, a Canadian TV channel filled with Rush Limbaugh wannabes waging a holy war against ballet dancers, liberals and anyone with an education? The Canadian is now convinced he should do something, but, as a Tim Horton’s comes into view, he is swayed by the allure of a double-double and promises himself he will do something…soon.

Step Five: The Conservative government phones people in a Montreal Liberal riding telling them the Liberal MP is going to retire when, in fact, he isn’t. The Canadian gets out of his chair and starts to pace. He doesn’t like his government carrying out dirty tricks because…well, that’s not something Canadians do. So he decides to fire off an angry email to his MP but realizes with horror, that his MP is busy mounting a campaign to take away a woman’s right to choose, so, best not poke the zealot any further. “I’m going to do something very soon,” thinks the Canadian, “seriously, very soon.”

Final Step: A Conservative backbench MP begins a campaign to sell the CBC and the PMO makes no move to stop him. Another backbench MP begins a campaign to bring back the death penalty. The PMO doesn’t stop her. With his beloved CBC Radio on the verge of extinction and a civil service ad for “professional executioners, lethal injection specialists preferred” running through his head, the Canadian is finally ready to jump into action. Just as he opens the door to leave, he hears a radio bulletin. The PMO has now ordered that all official federal government documents must replace the word “Canadian” with the word “Harperian”. The Canadian has had enough. Time to do something…but it’s too late. He has been boiled and he never even knew it was happening. In his last moments, the Canadian remembers a line from a book he once read, “It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.”

328 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar

Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”

“Up ‘til about two years ago you would never have heard any mention of the Mayans, unless you took a day trip from your Cancun beach holiday to visit ‘The Ruins’ and, even then, most people would pull the old ‘Jump from the bus, stand in front of the temple, snap the photo, back on the bus ‘cause it’s almost Happy Hour at Carlos’n Charlie’s.’ Or maybe your favourite TV channel was National Geographic, especially when they ran those Mesoamerican Marathons. So you’ve gone from Mayans rarely ever being mentioned to “All Mayans All the Time”. You can’t read a newspaper or turn on your TV without Mayans being mentioned, like these recent headlines, “Mayans believed responsible for Global Warming”, “Vancouver Canucks Trade Luongo for Two Mayans”, or the National Enquirer, “Oprah balloons up to 400 pounds in preparation for Mayan Apocalypse”. Even on the front of the Weekly World News, “Bat Boy to lead first wave of Mayan attackers on December 21st.” And TV’s “Entertainment Tonight”, having milked Michael Jackson, Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen and Arnold Schwarzenegger stories dry, has turned to the Mayan Horror. Just last night the hosts were yelling, “And wait ‘til you see which of the Kardashian sisters has been dating a Mayan!”

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” is published by Anvil Press and is available at bookstores throughout Canada and at online book sellers around the world.

340 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar

Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”

“And if Christians needed another good reason why Jesus won’t be coming back on December 21st, it’s pretty obvious. It’s winter in the northern hemisphere, the shortest day of the year, there could be blizzard warnings and temperatures so cold your tongue will freeze just thinking about liking a lamp post. So, Jesus would have to go around in a parka hammering his mittens on doors saying, “Hi, we’re in your neighbourhood looking for people who believe in me. If you do, just sign here. You’ll get a free trip to heaven plus accommodation for eternity, plus we take Air Miles. If you do not sign up, you will be left behind to die a ghastly death and then probably be eaten by packs of wild dogs. Okay?” No, Jesus wouldn’t come back during the Canadian winter, especially once hockey season is in full swing. He’d have to hope he could get a mention from Don Cherry on Coach’s Corner, and that’s not likely because Don Cherry hates foreigners, especially if they have long hair.”

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” is published by Anvil Press and is available at bookstores throughout Canada and at online book sellers around the world.

342 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar

Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”

“Listen up, Christians! This end of the world cataclysm has nothing to do with you. The Mayans thought up the end of the calendar in 2012 thousands of years before there even were Christians. It’s time to let the Mayans see if they can get one right, so, stay the hell out of this, Harold Camping! Get your own damned apocalypse!”

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” is published by Anvil Press and is available at bookstores throughout Canada and at online book sellers around the world.

343 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar

Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”

“Which brings me to the year 2011 and the antics of Christianity’s “Buffoon of the Year” trophy winner, the radio evangelist Harold Camping. I would call him an idiot but that would give idiots a bad name. And he has already given camping a bad name. Harold is the president of “Family Radio” which is dedicated to getting families to sell their homes and cars and cash in their savings so that Harold could buy hundreds of giant billboards announcing the end of the world on May 21st. “Oops! Sorry folks. I meant to say October 21st. Oops! What I meant to say was, ah, we take MasterCard and VISA!”

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” is published by Anvil Press and is available at bookstores throughout Canada and at online book sellers around the world.

346 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar

Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”

“There are hundreds of examples of erroneous Christian predictions from Hilary of Poitiers who called for the world to end in the year 367 and got it wrong, but then why would you believe a man named Hilary? There was the Spanish monk who suddenly blurted out into a crowded marketplace that the world would end that night. Well, it didn’t and the guys in charge of his monastery decided it would be best if he didn’t spend so much time in the Benedictine tasting room. Then there was great distress in 999, as the year 1000 drew near with Christians figuring that was when life on earth would end, sort of a Y1K panic. I guess they thought their abacuses couldn’t handle a year with four numbers in it instead of three. Same result. The conflagration was a no show.”

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” is published by Anvil Press and is available at bookstores throughout Canada and at online book sellers around the world.

348 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar

Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”

“That’s why, over the last two thousand years, Christians have continued to predict various dates for his second coming but, with a zero percent success rate, they have done really poorly. In fact, in the “Guessing the date of the Rapture” department, Christians are the most useless of all, even worse than Nostradamus who called for the world to end in July 1999. Yes, the legendary Nostradamus! How could a man who predicted Brad and Jenn’s breakup to the exact day be so wrong about the end of the world? So, the Christians are not alone in their totally inaccurate annihilation dates, however, they are relentless in their panicky announcements of when Jesus will land and start the roundup.”

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” is published by Anvil Press and is available at bookstores throughout Canada and at online book sellers around the world.

349 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar

Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”

“They’ll probably also come to the conclusion that Asshole is the god of car drivers being cut off, based on how many times his name is screamed out during those moments. We’ll deal with Asshole shortly when we get to Pastor Harold Camping.”

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” is published by Anvil Press and is available at bookstores throughout Canada and at online book sellers around the world.