On this day in 1547, well, let’s go back to yesterday’s date when Mary Stuart, aged 9 months was crowned Queen of the Scots. On today’s date in 1547, she’s 5 years old and the English are demanding that she marry their King Edward the 6^th, who is ten years old. What it makes you realize is that the Hillbillies of Tennessee were geniuses compared to the English and the Scots in the 1500s.

   On this day in 1894, a London taxi driver named George Smith became the first person to be fined for drunk driving. He went to the Old Bailey and said, “Honestly sir. I was sober as a judge!” Lucky for him, the judge wasn’t.

   On this day in 1939, Canada’s prime minister William Lyon Mackenzie King declared war on Germany. Well, he didn’t personally. He declared war on Germany on behalf of Canada. And, as usual, the advice came from his pet dog, who he always consulted on these things. He was out walking and asked the dog, “well boy, should we declare war on Germany or not?” and the dog replied by lifting his leg against the side of a Volkswagen. Not a true story, but don’t you wish it was?

   On this day in 1945, Mike the Headless Chicken was decapitated but lived for 18 months without a head. You can Google it. Mike spent 18 months running around like…I believe you know the punch line.

   On this day in 1992, Lucy, from the Peanuts comic strip, raised her psychiatric fee from 5 cents to 47 cents. She also began seeing other clients including Hagar the Horrible, Andy Capp and Mary Worth, who really needed a shrink more than anybody because she had begun having recurring nightmares where people kept running up to her and demanding that, after 53 years, she come to some sort of conclusion.

   If your birthday is September 10^th, you share it with pop singer Jose Feliciano who became famous for his big Christmas hit, “Feliz Navidad”, most of which is in Spanish, which proves to me that when Christmas time comes, we’ll all sing along with any old thing and believe it’s about a donkey, a manger and three wise men, when, in fact, it just might be a song about mining.

   On this day in 1543, Mary Stuart, at nine months old, was crowned “Queen of Scots” in the Scottish town of Stirling. She immediately flew into a rage and ordered all British prisoners killed. Historians say it was probably because she was teething. She didn’t make any speeches from the throne for a few years because she hadn’t been throne-trained.

   On this day in 1615, explorer Étienne Brulé arrived at the Seneca village on the east bank of the Humber River and became the first European to see what is now the City of Toronto. Toronto is an old Iroquois word that has two meanings, one was “smelt trap” and the other was “a good place to do business”.  Which one do you think best describes Toronto?

   On this day in 1850, California became the 31^st U.S. State. When they named the state they were working on two choices for names; one was ‘California” which means in Spanish, “Land of Amazon Women”, and that was long before anyone had ever seen Pamela Anderson. The other choice was an old Austrian word, “Cleefonia” which means, “The Terminator’s Nightmare”.

   On this day in 1895, the American Bowling Congress was formed. Why bowlers needed their own congress is beyond me, but their first resolution was to determine whether five pin bowlers were equal to ten pin bowlers. As usual, you get a bunch of men, form a congress and they start arguing over who has the biggest balls.

   On this day in 1954, 16-year-old Marilyn Bell became the first person to swim across Lake Ontario, from Youngstown, New York to Toronto. This was the fastest human crossing of Lake Ontario until 1968, when Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau walked across the lake in only ten hours.

      On this day in 1956, Elvis Presley appeared on TV for the first time on the Ed Sullivan Show. Ed ordered the cameras to shoot Elvis from the waist up so we couldn’t see his swaying hips. Too perverted I guess, but then at the end of the show, Ed fondled a soft foam mouse and then kissed it. Swaying hips; sick. Fondling and kissing a foam mouse; priceless.

   If your birthday is on September 9^th, you share it with Harlan Sanders who was born on this day in 1890. He is best remembered as KFC’s Colonel Sanders even though he was never a Colonel. Harlan Sanders is also remembered as one of the men who made North America fat. It’s easy to figure out; if the calories in a bucket of fried chicken out-number the brain cells of the person eating it, then he will gain 50 pounds before he has licked the grease off the inside of the bucket.

   On this day in 1713, for you Papal watchers, Pope Clemens the Eleventh published a decree called the “Unigentis”, which is Italian for same-sex washrooms. His decree was against “Jansenism”, which was the continual habit of fat men wearing Speedos to the beach and disgusting all the other swimmers. Unfortunately, Pope Clemens thought Speedos were made by Jantzen. He later apologized to Jantzen in his decree called “Meaculpa”.

   On this day in 1858, it was reported that President Abraham Lincoln made the famous speech in which he said, “You can fool some of the people all of the time, etc etc. Most experts say this was false, that he never actually uttered those words, but everyone thinks he said it, proving that, thanks to the internet, you can fool pretty well everyone all the time, if you tell them you read it in Wikipedia.

   On this day in 1926, the League of Nations voted unanimously to admit Germany. Maybe that’s where that “you can fool some of the people..” speech came from.

   On this day in 1930, and this is a big one, Scotch Tape was invented. Some facts; it was not invented in Scotland, nor by a Scotsman, and the mascot, Scotty McTape, was not a real character, despite rumours about the Scottish army at Culloden being led by a cartoon man in a kilt, carrying adhesive tape. Didn’t happen. That’s Billy Connelly you’re thinking of.

   On this day in 1966, Star Trek was first broadcast on NBC, starring Canada’s own William Shatner. The three seasons of Star Trek would launch Shatner’s sensational career as the pitchman for Commodore Computers, Priceline, Loblaws, and Kelloggs All-Bran. Who knew that playing Captain Kirk could lead to such greatness?

   On this day in 1977, Interpol began issuing their warning about video piracy which viewers saw before their movie began. This is now the second most-ignored warning in the world next to “Do not turn on cell phones until the aircraft has come to a complete stop in front of the terminal”

   If your birthday is September 8^th, you share it with King Richard the Lion Hearted, who was born on this day in 1157. King Richard was aptly named; he truly did have the heart of a lion. Unfortunately, he also had the butt of a hippo but no one ever mentions that.

   On this day in 1882, the battle of the Hadfields and the McCoys took place on the border of West Virginia and Kentucky. Over a hundred people were wounded or killed including serious injuries to 35 whisky stills, eleven banjos and 6 pairs of suspenders. The good news is that, despite the numerous head wounds, no brain cells were harmed during the conflict.

   On this day in 1930, R.B. Bennett became the prime minister of Canada. Lucky guy! Getting to be PM of Canada during the Great Depression is about as useful as being Mel Gibson’s publicist.

   On this day in 1961, USSR Premier Nikita Khrushchev predicted that the Soviet economy would surpass the United States economy. Turns out that was just the Smirnoff talking. Not long after that, he went to the United Nations where he was charged with trying to kill his shoe by beating it on a desk. He said he did it because he was getting phone calls from Maxwell Smart.

   If your birthday is September 7^th, you share it with rock singer Buddy Holly who was born on this day in 1936. Besides being a talented singer, Buddy also taught us a great lesson; never fly in a small plane with a rock ‘n roll band. If Buddy had only taken the 9:15 Greyhound from Mason City he’d still be singing “Peggy Sue” today.

For more fun go to Linda’s website www.doublexposureradio.com

   On this day in 1776, the first submarine attack on a ship occurred. The American submarine “Turtle” attacked a British ship. The attack failed because the captain of the submarine became exhausted from all the pedaling.

   On this day in 1889, King Kabaka Mwanga of Buganda resigned. It’s not a particularly important date but if you enjoy shouting out things like “King Kabaka Mwanga of Buganda”, then it’s a special day for you.

   On this day in 1909, word was received that, five months earlier, Admiral Peary had discovered the North Pole. His brief message read; “Have discovered the North Pole. The factory takes up many acres and toys seem to be everywhere, but no sign of elves. Killed a reindeer because the men were starving. It had a very red nose. That’s all to report at this point. Peary, over and out.”

   On this day in 1910, the Saskatchewan Roughrider football Club was formed. There was a lack of practice equipment in those days, so the players got in shape by jumping over stubble.

   On this day in 1954, a disc jockey named Allan Freed began playing rock and roll records on a radio station in New York City, WINS. He began the Golden Decade of rock radio and here’s some of the titles Freed played on his program, and these are all real; “My Baby Rocks me with a Steady Roll”, “The Naughty Lady of Shady Lane”. “Crazy Little Mama at my Front Door” and, of course, “Tutti Fruity” which included the charming second line “Oh, Rudy”, whoever Rudy was.

   If your birthday is September 6^th, you share it with the famous American painter Grandma Moses who was born on this day in 1860. She didn’t even start painting until she was in her seventies, proving my old, okay, kind of new, adage; “Before your life finally ends, take up painting instead of Depends”

   On this day in 1755, John Winslow, the military commander at Annapolis in Nova Scotia, began sending away 5,000 Acadians. Was it another Ford recall? Maybe a stuck accelerator?

   On this day in 1800, the country of Malta was captured by the British. They took over the Maltese government, commandeered the Maltese garrison and snared the Maltese Falcon, whose name, by the way, was Humphrey. The people of Malta, the Malteesers, who were a round, chocolate-coloured people, easily rolled over.

   On this day in 1836, Sam Houston was elected president of the Republic of Texas. Yes, in those days, Texas was a separate country. These days, Texans only act like it is.

   On this day in 1885, the first gasoline pump was delivered to a gas station in Indiana. Not long afterwards, a second gas pump was delivered to a different gas station, but, amazingly, people noticed that the price of gas on both pumps was identical. Thus began the secret society, unknown to most North Americans, called  “The Fuelers” which had begun at the same time as that other secret society of “The Masons”. The Fuelers had their own secret handshake, their temples had no windows, they all wore strange hats with a tiger’s tail hanging out the back and they secretly phoned each other at night to agree on the price of gas the next day. They still exist today, as you may have noticed.

   On this day in 1961, American President John Kennedy signed a new law making hijacking a plane a crime. So, what was it before that? A ticketing offense?

   On this day in 1975, Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme attempted to assassinate President Gerald Ford in Sacramento. President Ford was saved because Lynette made a lot of noise as she was sneaking up on him. A little shot of WD40 and we could have lost another president.

   On this day in 1992, comedian Andrew Dice Clay wed his long-time lover, Trinie. The wedding ceremony ended with the priest saying to Andrew, “Will you have this woman as your lawful wedded wife?” and Andrew responded, “You’re #&%*ing right I will!”

   If your birthday is September 5^th, you share it with Dweezil Zappa, who was born on this day in 1969. Dweezil is the son of rock and roller Frank Zappa. Dweezil’s sister is named “Moon Unit”. And there, my friends, is the only exception to the murder verdict for killing someone; if either of those two people killed their father, they should get off, Scott free.

On this day in 1835, the city of Melbourne, Australia was established. This has caused great confusion recently regarding the out-of-control actor Mel Gibson. Many people think he is Australian, so they ask, “Where was Mel born?” And people say “Well, it’s on the shorelines of Port Phillip.” That’s what’s confusing. The truth is Mel was born in New York State and then moved to Australia.  So, I hope that clears up, “where was Mel born?”

   On this day in 1885, 13,000 meteors were seen in one hour near the Andromeda Galaxy. The guy with the calculator passed out from exhaustion just after they got to 9,357.

   On this day in 1888, Lord Walsingham of Norfolk County, England, shot 1,070 grouse in a single day. Thanks to the “Psychic Network”, we can now report that after his death, Lord Walsingham was reincarnated as a free range chicken that became Colonel Sander’s first bucket of crispy fried chicken, after being chased around a yard for ten minutes before being beheaded. This is called Karma.

   On this day in 1901, a man named Hubert Cecil Booth patented something he called the “vacuum cleaner”. Naturally, as in all inventions, he wasn’t the first or only. There have been many people who have made claim to a machine that sucked; the Ford Pinto, the Florida voting machine and the Commodore VIC 20 computer. Wait a minute, the Commodore VIC 20 computer sucked? How could that be? Well, how about a hard drive that offered you 3.5 “KILOBYTES” of memory!!

   On this day in 1957, U.S. Senator Strom Thurmond spoke in the Senate for 24 hours and 27 minutes straight on why America shouldn’t have civil rights. I think he deserves an award, because anyone who could keep talking for one day and 27 minutes about “Why I’m a stupid racist redneck” needs a trophy of some kind. Senator Thurmond is dead now, and that same “Psychic Network” I referred to earlier reports that after he died, he was reincarnated as an explorer who was captured by a Borneo head-hunting tribe. All that’s left of him, hanging from a pole is a shrunken head that keeps saying, “Glen Beck is my hero!”

   If your birthday is August 30^th, you share it with the actress Cameron Diaz who was born on this day in 1972. Cameron Diaz has become “The most dangerous internet celebrity”. That’s because Googling her name leads to more malicious software than any other name and could destroy your computer, but, as some computers say, “What a way to go!”

   On this day in 1781, Los Angeles was founded. It was a different kind of settlement. Instead of an annual dinner with turkey and corn, they held a Homesteaders’ Awards ceremony, better known as the “Steadies”, saluting the best and brightest in the world of hunting, fishing, tilling the soil, fighting off Indians, scrabbling out an existence and generally living in fear of tomorrow. The Best Scream Writer Award that year went to Pablo del Mundo who screamed for three days straight when a band of renegade Mojave Indians fired arrows at his hut then set fire to his chickens. He was accompanied on the Red Carpet by his wife Louisa de Mundo who wore an ankle-revealing sack-back gown over a cotton shift with a pair of backless mules. And that’s how Los Angeles got started.

   On this day in 1984, Brian Mulroney’s Conservatives won the Canadian federal election in a landslide, including taking 58 of 75 seats in Quebec. They took 211 seats in a 282 seat legislature. Nine years later, they won two seats in the legislature, or as we like to say, they were reduced to a single breeding pair. What happened? Well, I believe it was Murphy’s Law which states that a hero is only one letter away from a zero.

   On this day in 1997, 69 year old hockey superstar Gordie Howe, agreed to suit up for the IHL’s Detroit Vipers in the team’s season opener against the Kansas City Blades and became the only professional hockey player to play in six consecutive decades. Now, that’s a statistic! What they didn’t tell you about that game was that Gordie missed many shifts because he was continually going to the dressing room for a pee.

   On this day in 1988, boxer Mike Tyson crashed his silver BMW into a tree in New York. Similar to the Tiger Woods incident, except that Mike Tyson wasn’t being chased by a woman with a nine-iron.

   If your birthday is September 4^th, you share it with the actor Dick York who was born on this day in 1928. Dick was famous for playing Darrin on the sitcom “Bewitched”, you know the guy who’s married to a witch. Remember, as teenagers, we always wondered what would happen if they were having sex and, suddenly, Samantha wiggled her nose? Would Darrin be left holding the bag?