It sure looks like a lot of Canadians have been reading my book, “Mayan Horror-How to Survive the End of the World in 2012″.

http://news.nationalpost.com/2012/05/02/apocalypse-soon-9-of-canadians-say-world-will-end-in-2012/

Yes, the world will end on December 21st, but if you buy the book, available in most bookstores and online at the usual outlets, you will find tips on how to save yourself and your family once Armageddon strikes. As well, you’ll get the complete history of how the cagey Mayans created this killer calendar. The bonus, for Canadians is a list of the top ten best places to ride out the Apocalypse. Here’s a quote from the book giving you the number one safest place in Canada to hunker down and wait out the End of Days…

“#1 – The Diefenbunker. It’s the perennial winner in the category of “Best Place to Survive the End of the World” in Ottawa’s prestigious “Visitors’ and Illegal Refugees Guide to Ottawa Magazine”. The Diefenbunker, or, more correctly, the Diefenbunker Cold War Museum is easy to find. Let’s say you were heading west out of Ottawa on Highway 417 to go to an Ottawa Senators hockey game at the Corel Centre and you had this sudden thought, “Do I really want to watch the Senators play tonight?” which happens a lot these days. Well, if you keep going a few hundred metres past the Corel Centre and turn right at Exit 144, you’ll soon be in the aptly-named town of Carp and that’s where you’ll find the Diefenbunker. It’s 100,000 square feet of blast-proof protection on four floors, all underground. It was originally built during the Cold War as the place where the Canadian Prime Minister, John Diefenbaker, could hide out while Russian missiles rained down nuclear holocaust, killing every other Canadian except him, his little dog, the woman who massaged his jowls and his three Dieffenbachia plants which were named Lester, Bowles and Pearson. When the nuclear nightmare was over, John Diefenbaker would have been the only man left in Canada, meaning that to re-populate the country, women would have needed to have sex with John Diefenbaker…so maybe Canada wouldn’t get re-populated after all. Anyway, the Diefenbunker would have totally protected Mr. Diefenbaker from any jowl-rattling blast. These days, deep down in the bowels of the bunker, under picturesque Carp, you can take a tour where you’ll see the Prime Minister’s suite including the Diefenbunkbed where Diefenbaker would have Diefendropped off to sleep after a hard day of Diefenbroadcasting his message of hope to dead Canadians everywhere. There’s a gift shop filled with MemoraDiefenbelia, the War Cabinet room plus the CBC Radio studio where a lonely CBC announcer would turn on his microphone once an hour and say, “At the beginning of the long dash, marking ten seconds of silence it will be one o’clock Eastern Standard Time”. They had to include the national time signal in the Diefenbunker because this was the most popular radio broadcast in all of Canada during the 1960s. Canadians would drop what they were doing at the top of every hour and rush to the nearest radio to hear that reassuring time announcement. In the evening, families would gather round their radios to listen to the dulcet tones of the CBC announcer broadcasting the exact time, and that was one of the quirky things about Canadians back then. No approximate time would do. It had to be the exact time, “Geez, Bill, the village has been flattened by the A-bomb, you wouldn’t happen to have the exact time, eh?”

When the Mayan Calendar ticks down its final seconds on December 21st, this is the book to grip tightly in your hands.

Now, according to Vancouver Sun sports writer Harrison Mooney, in this morning’s paper, a well-known Christian evangelist named Louie Giglio held a rally last Friday at Rogers Arena. Amongst the 10,000 screaming Christians in attendance was Paolo Aquilini, part of the ownership group that owns the Canucks and Rogers Arena. Paolo is a born-again Christian. So, there’s the 10,000 fervent Christians cheering as Louie Giglio holds up a blue Canucks helmet, like it was the Holy Grail, and asks the audience to pray for the healing of Daniel Sedin.

So, I have some questions:

Was that Daniel Sedin’s real helmet? Did Paolo use his pull, as owner, to slip it out of the locker room downstairs and bring it up for the pastor? Does holding that helmet up in front of 10,000 evangelicals and having them pray for its owner, make that a magical helmet with…I don’t know…super powers? And if it really was Sedin’s helmet will he be wearing it for the game when he returns and will he score 25 goals in one game? Also, if it wasn’t really Daniel’s helmet, just something from the Canucks Shop, wouldn’t they want to trade it for Daniel’s real helmet now that that helmet has super powers? Lastly, does Daniel know that this event happened? Do the rest of the Canucks know? Will they all want their helmets blessed by the prayers of 10,000 Christians?

I just have to find out.

272 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar

Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”

“One more important thing about the Mayans is that they weren’t a monotheistic society, which, for you those of you who didn’t get past grade 6, means the Mayans didn’t believe there was just one god. The Mayans were a polytheistic society that worshipped all sorts of gods. There was Cizin, the god of death, Chac, the god of rain, Yum Kaax, the god of corn. The list is endless, you’ve got Discoxxatil, the god of dancing, Xtramunchiz, the god of late night snacks, Maaloxx, the god of upset stomachs, and who could forget Inebriatoxixil, the god of drunks. You get the point, for everything in ancient Mayan society there was a god you prayed to for more corn, less rain, no hangovers or plenty of chips and salsa. This just reinforces the point that this will not be the Christian God’s Armageddon because in order to make it a godly event, all 1300 of the Mayan gods would have to have gathered together and tried to get an agreement to wipe out the earth. Impossible. I know for example that Shitzaputzl, the god of profanity would never go along with it. No, we’ll have to leave it as a mystery as to why the world will end just because the Mayan Calendar runs out, but I’m very fond of the exhausted chiseler theory.”

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” is published by Anvil Press and is available at bookstores throughout Canada and at online book sellers around the world.

276 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar

Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”

“Most importantly, the Mayans invented calendars and not just the big one that we think will cause ‘all Hell to break loose’. The Mayans had a whole bunch of calendars, but the one that concerns us is the calendar the Mayans called “The Long Count Calendar”, a calendar that was designed to go for thousands of years. So the question we are all asking ourselves right now is, “Why does this calendar stop at 11:11am Universal Time on December 21st, 2012?” Nobody really knows the answer, but I have a theory; burn out. The guy who chiseled the calendar just got fed up. The chiseler, let’s call him Mictxecacihuatxl, was chiseling away on his rock when he just said, “Screw this noise! Do they have any idea how long it takes to chisel 10 thousand years worth of dates? And they’re only paying me 20 beans a month and all the chimichangas I can eat! Forget it! Maybe it’s time to open that dance studio I’ve fantasized about.” And the chiseler downed tools just after chiseling “12/21/2012” and went off to open “Mictxecacihuatxl’s School of Mexican Hat and Chicken Dancing”. You may think that sounds like an odd way to condemn the world to ruin, but nobody else seems to have any better ideas as to why the Mayan Calendar stops on December 21st.

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” is published by Anvil Press and is available at bookstores throughout Canada and at online book sellers around the world.

303 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar

Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”

“Long before fat people were shoving candy bars into their mouths, the Mayans invented chocolate, or, as it was called back then, cacao. The name was changed to chocolate in modern times because people found they couldn’t enjoy a snack that had the word ‘caca’ in it, and yet, it’s odd isn’t it, they still happily munch on pistachios.”

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” is published by Anvil Press and is available at bookstores throughout Canada and at online book sellers around the world.

309 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar

Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”

“The Mayans also perfected the blowgun that used poisonous darts. If you closely inspect the figures on the sides of Mayan temple walls, there is one figure that appears to be slumped on the ground with the message, “Never suck on a blowgun!” Archeologists have no idea how many blowguns the Mayans had at any one time. Unlike Canada, I’m sure the Mayans didn’t have a blowgun registry but I’ll bet every Mayan kept a blowgun under his pillow just in case there was a sneak attack by Toltecs in the middle of the night or if an Inca broke into their hut and tried to make off with their statue of Itzpzpalotl.”

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” is published by Anvil Press and is available at bookstores throughout Canada and at online book sellers around the world.

311 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar

Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”

“And another thing that von Daniken didn’t mention in his theory of slimy little ETs teaching the Mayans how to be a super race; there’s no mention of anal probing. These days the internet and all-night radio shows are buzzing with stories of alien abductions and, in every one of the statements to police, the abductees say the only thing the aliens wanted was to stick a probe in their anus. Like you, I’m a little disappointed that advanced races of beings would travel 300 light years just to inspect human bums. Perhaps, between then and now there’s been a change of focus on alien planets, away from teaching science and math to some kind of porn fetish. Who knows, maybe they eat humans and those are not anal probes at all but merely meat thermometers sticking out of the abductee’s back passage.”

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” is published by Anvil Press and is available at bookstores throughout Canada and at online book sellers around the world.

320 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar

Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”

“One theory on why the Mayans were such geniuses came from a Swiss writer named Erich von Daniken who wrote a book called “Chariots of the Gods” where he claimed that all these super races got to be that smart because aliens came down to earth in flying saucers and taught them things like math and astronomy. Remember that book? Those were the 70s, when people were easily sucked into believing all sorts of loony things, like flying saucers landing on earth, or that little rocks could actually be pets. I have a serious problem with von Daniken’s theory because if the tiny bug-eyed spacemen taught all these super races things like astronomy and mathematics, why did they stop there? Why couldn’t they have taught humans other important things like the difference between “All you can eat” and “All you should eat”?”

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” is published by Anvil Press and is available at bookstores throughout Canada and at online book sellers around the world.

324 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar

Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”

“Let’s start with who the Mayans are. Although there are plenty of ordinary Mayans still around today, the ones who designed this killer calendar were one of the world’s super races at a time when super races were all the rage. Everybody had to have a super race. You had the Egyptians, the Aztecs, the Greeks, the Atlantians, even the Lemurians who, I gather, were lemurs but they could levitate and often travelled to Uranus and back just to pick berries.”

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” is published by Anvil Press and is available at bookstores throughout Canada and at online book sellers around the world.

326 days and counting until the end of the Mayan Calendar

Today’s quote from Bob Robertson’s book, “Mayan Horror: How to Survive to Survive the End of the world in 2012”

“So, how is it possible that people believe the world will end thanks to the Mayans but they don’t even know the first thing about this ancient race? That’s because high schools have stopped teaching history and replaced it with dodge-ball lessons or Online Gaming 101. It’s time to find out who are the Mayans and why they are they bringing rack and ruin to the earth. Okay, I exaggerate. There is no mention of them bringing rack, just ruin. I was just hoping there might be some rack first and that would give us time to get ready for the ruin which always follows just after the rack, but it was simply wishful thinking on my part. So, a lack of rack but plenty of ruin coming our way.”

“Mayan Horror: How to Survive the End of the World in 2012” is published by Anvil Press and is available at bookstores throughout Canada and at online book sellers around the world.